Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Melbourne driver never uses them.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow".

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Melbourne.

Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Melbourne is the home of High-Speed Slalom Driving thanks to VicRoads, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

It is traditional in Melbourne to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

Remember that the goal of every Melbourne driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

Real Melbourne women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75k/ph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Real Melbourne men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75k/ph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

There is a common held belief in Melbourne that high speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.

It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have brakes.

Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one-way street.

It's OK when driving in Melbourne's Western suburbs to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming out "ar#ehole". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo charged 5 litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap.