Heard at Caulfield:
The train at platform three is not going to Frankston but to Cranbourne.
The train approaching platform two is also not going to Frankston but to Pakenham. These trains are not going to Frankston despite what the signal men think.
On the Belgrave line:
Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.
On the Hurstbridge line:
To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of stand clear of the doors don't you understand?
At Spencer St station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):
Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in the City Loop getting hot and sweaty.
On the Werribee line:
Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train.
At St Albans:
This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere.
On the Broadmeadows line:
This is Upfield, err, no, its Broadmeadows! This is like that TV ad, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good deodorant! Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!
At Camberwell station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.
At Williamstown (after a 20-minute delay):
I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Newport and Footscray has the Monday Morning Blues.
Hello this is the captain of your train speaking, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time at Flinders St is 3:15pm. The temperature at Flinders St is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Flinders St is in the same time zone as Sandringham, so there's no need to adjust your watches.
On a delayed train at Lilydale (when the driver had a chat with a colleague unaware that he'd left the microphone on):
Stuff em, I don't care if they don't make it to work.