Scientists have reported the discovery of the heaviest known element, tentatively called 'administratium'.
'Administratium' has no protons or electrons, but it has one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. This particular element is held together by subatomic particles called morons, and can be detected chemically because it slows down every reaction it is involved with.
The scientists report that 'administratium' does not decay like other heavy elements such as plutonium or uranium, instead it undergoes a reorganisation in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies show that atomic weight actually increases after each reorganisation.
They also report that 'administratium' is toxic at any level of concentration.