Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's a small world. So you've got to use your elbows a lot.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
Who gossips to you will gossip of you.
When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative one.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
The trouble with work is - it's so daily.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our sails.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?
If the shoe fits......buy it in every colour.
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a bickie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.