Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hands before eating.
Outside a second-hand shop: We exchange anything-bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened.
Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.