1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain that may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your boyfriend or husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids (chocolate hostages), but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about 5 or 6 applications per roll).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the bowl. Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least 30 times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend or husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least 3 times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half a can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend or husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.