1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People band?
4. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me. Good job.
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop, no donut.
8. You're not going to check the trunk are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand.
12. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonalds?
13. I pay your salary.
14. So uh, you on the take or what?
15. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far ahead they are.
18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" YOU'RE the trained specialist.
19. Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 Magnum.
21. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
22. No, YOU assume the position.
23. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts is having a 3-for-1 special!
24. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
25. No, offi, offic, lucifer...I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to Dog.
26. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
27. Back off Barney Fife, I've got a piece.
28. But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick ONE!
29. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
30. On the way to the station, let's get a six pack...oh, and don't forget the cigs.
31. Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
32. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
33. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
34. So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean.
35. What do you use those rubber gloves for anyway?