If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Deal with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you want to talk about baseball, entertainment center components, or this month's Maxim.
Get rid of the cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
Dogs are better than cats. It's been proven.
Shopping is not sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have too many clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Your brother's an idiot, your ex-boyfriend's an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. You should know that by now, anyway.
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing at point-blank range. We're bound to miss once in a while.
We own, at most, three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'll be able to distinguish among your thirty pairs, much less figure out which one 'goes with' a particular outfit?
'Yes' and 'no' are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.
Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
Check your oil.
Don't give us 50 rules when 6 will do.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be motivated to improve than be deceived. You would rather we be motivated to improve than be deceived, too.
It is neither your nor our best interest to take the quiz together.
Anything we said seven months ago is inadmissible in arguments. All comments are rendered null and void after one week (or less, depending how much we've been drinking).
If you don't dress like Victoria's Secret models, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Choose one: Ask us to do something; Tell us how to do it.
Christopher Columbus, Lewis and Clark, and Magellan didn't need directions. Neither do we.
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses waive their right to complain when a man glances at her cleavage.
Don't ask us why we like lesbians so much. We just do.
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.