Things you think you can do when you're drunk

Ask for extra hot chilli sauce on your kebab
Try and get off with your best mate s girlfriend
Piss in your girlfriend s cupboard/out the window/anywhere except in the bathroom
Give a running commentary, out loud, on everything you do, even though you re alone (e.g. ah m gonna go into the kitschen, ah m gonna get myself a beer an' ah m gonna drink it..)
Get a tattoo/try to tattoo yourself
Use classy chat up lines like: you've got phemoninal ... phemonim ... great tits. Can I......?
Fall down open manholes
Throw up in the back of taxis.
Climb up onto the roof of bus shelters...
Moon someone
Think it s really funny to put all your female flatmates underwear in the freezer compartment
Make punch out of half a bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine and some Strongbow
Drink it
Get thrown out of a nightclub for taking all your clothes off
Sing
Dance as if you were John Travolta, and bump into things, and break them, and not care...
Make yourself a delicious sandwich of mustard on stale white bread.
Decide the waste bin would look better on your head.
Fall asleep on the stairs, with your trousers around your ankles.
Decide to walk home, even though it's seven miles away.
Fall asleep in a bus shelter
Fall asleep on the last bus and wake up at dawn, in the middle of nowhere, with your shoes gone.
Steal bottles of milk from doorsteps
Order the hottest curry on the menu.
Attempt to shag any woman who shows the slightest interest in you.
Get into a fight with a taxi driver
Say, you're my best mate you are, to people you've just met
Decide that you and your ex girlfriend really should be together.
Get really emotional, put on the most miserable record in your collection, and weep about nothing in particular.
Watch old Hammer House of Horror films starring Patrick Mower, and enjoy them

Things you definitely can't do

Pull any woman in the room
Beat any man in the room in a fight
Have a coherent, in depth discussion about football, politics, the trouble with women...etc
Stop dual carriageway traffic just by holding your hand up.
Persuade 24 hour shop owners to sell you alcohol after 11pm
Do the Lambada
Evade apprehension by the officers of the law.
Fall down stairs without hurting yourself
Do an impression of the Riverdance on a narrow ledge, five stories above the street.
Find your house.