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Waste some time
Have a donut and some coffee
While you are supposed to be working

Laws

MURPHY'S LAW
If anything can go wrong, it will

O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY
Murphy was an optimist

MURPHY'S FIRST COROLLARY
Nothing is as easy as it looks

MURPHY'S SECOND COROLLARY
Everything takes longer than you think

MURPHY'S THIRD COROLLARY
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong

MURPHY'S FOURTH COROLLARY
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first

MURPHY'S FIFTH COROLLARY
Every solution breeds new problems

MURPHY'S SIXTH COROLLARY
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious

MURPHY'S SEVENTH COROLLARY
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw

MURPHY'S EIGHTH COROLLARY
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse

MURPHY'S CONSTANT
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

HILL'S COMMENTARIES ON MURPHY'S LAW
1. If we have much to lose by having things go wrong, take all possible care
2. If we have nothing to lose, relax
3. If we have everything to gain, relax
4. If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter

BOLING'S POSTULATE
If you're feeling good, don't worry. you'll get over it

MURPHY'S LAW OF MULTIPLES
If you percieve that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop

THE ORDERING PRINCIPLE
The supplies necessary for yesterday's work must be ordered no later then noon tomorrow

CHISHOLM'S LAW
When things just can't get any worse, they will

CHISHOLM'S COMMENTARY
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something

SCOTT'S FIRST LAW
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right

SCOTT'S SECOND LAW
When an error has been detected and corrected it will be found to have been correct in the first place

FINAGLE'S FIRST LAW
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong

FINAGLE'S SECOND LAW
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened to his own pet theory

FINAGLE'S THIRD LAW
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

COROLLARIES
1. No one whom you ask for help will see it
2. Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately

FINAGLE'S FOURTH LAW
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse

WINGO'S AXIOM
All Finagle's Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking

SIMON'S LAW
Everything put togeather falls apart sooner or later

GUMPERSON'S LAW
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability

ISSAWI'S LAWS OF PROGRESS
The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points

MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS
Things get worse under pressure

THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW
As soon as you mention something, if it's good, it goes away, if it's bad, it happens

STURGEON'S LAW
90% of everything is crud

STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM
If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's impossible

COMMONER'S SECOND LAW OF ECOLOGY
Nothing ever goes away

HOWE'S LAW
Everyone has a scheme that will not work

GINSBERG'S THEOREM
1. You can't win
2. You can't break even
3. You can't even quit the game

RUDIN'S LAW
In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible

ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING
(System Dynamics:) Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can

NON-RECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS
Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results

HARPER'S MAGAZINE LAW
You never find an article until you replace it

RICHARD'S COMPLIMENTARY RULES OF OWNERSHIP
1. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away
2. If you throw it away, you will need it the next day

LEWIS' LAW
No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper

PERLSWEIG'S LAW
People who can least afford to pay rent, pay rent. People who can most afford to pay rent, build up equity

McCLAUGHRY'S LAW OF ZONING
Where zoning is not needed,it will work perfectly. Where it is desperately needed, it will always break down

FIRST LAW OF BICYCLING
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind

THE AIRPLANE LAW
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time

GLYME'S FORMULA
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made

FIRST LAW OF BRIDGE
It's always the partner's fault

HARTLEY'S LAW FOR LOVERS
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself

RULE OF FELINE FRUSTRATION
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom

LIEBERMAN'S LAW
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens

BOOB'S LAW
You always find something the last place you look

WADES EXPLAINATION
Once you've found it, you quit looking!

OSBORN'S LAW
Variables won't; constants aren't

PUDDER'S LAW
Anything that begins well, ends badly, Anything that begins badly, ends worse

ILES'S LAW
There is always an easier way to do it

COROLLARY
When looking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods, you will not see it

LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY
An object will fall so as to do the most damage

JENNING'S COROLLARY
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet

SATTINGER'S LAW
It works better if you plug it in

FIRST LAW OF REVISION
Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after- and only after - the plans are complete. (Often called the 'Now they tell us!' Law)

LAW OF APPLIED CONFUSTION
The piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment

COROLLARY
Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they haven't even made it

SECOND LAW OF APPLIED CONFUSTION
Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck

JOHNSON'S FIRST LAW
When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvienient possible time

LAW OF THE LOST INCH
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:40p.m. Friday

COROLLARY
The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01 a.m. on Monday

LOWERY'S LAW
If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway

EHRMAN'S COMMENTARY
1. Things get worse before they get better
2. Who said things would get better?

SHAW'S PRINCIPAL
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it

LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY
There is always one more bug

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
Any tool, when dropped,will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop

LAW OF ANNOYANCE
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly

SCHMIDT'S LAW
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break

HORNER'S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE
Experience varies directly with the equipment ruined

CAHN'S AXIOM
When all else fails, read the instructions

ANTHONY'S LAW OF FORCE
Don't force it; get a larger hammer

MURPHY'Y LAW OF RESEARCH
Enough research will tend to support your theory

MAIER's LAW
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of

WILLIAMS AND HOLLAND'S LAW
If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods

YOUNG'S LAW
All great discoveries are made by mistake

COROLLARY
The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake

RULE OF ACCURACY
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer

HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROBLEMS
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out

MR. COOPER'S LAW
If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it

STEELE'S PHILOSOPHY
Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink

STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission

HARRIS' LAMENT
All the good ones are taken

LAWS OF GARDENING
1. Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens
2. Fancy gizmos don't work
3. If nobody uses it, there's a reason

JONES' LAW
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on

TRUMAN'S LAW
If you cannot convince them, confuse them

FIRST LAW OF DEBATE
Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference

WORKER'S DILEMMA
1. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough
2. What you don't do is always more important than what you do

SECOND LAW OF COMMITTO-DYNAMICS
The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likely you are to be pressed to do so

SHANNAHAN'S LAW
The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present

OLD AND KAHN'S LAW
The efficiency of a committee meeting is inversely proportional to the number of participants and the time spent on deliberations

RULE OF THE GREAT
When somebody you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch

MILLER'S LAW
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it

WELLINGTON'S LAW OF COMMAND
The cream rises to the top. So does the scum

BOREN'S LAWS
1. When in doubt, mumble
2. When in trouble, delegate
3. When in charge, ponder

COLE'S LAW
Thinly sliced cabbage

PATTON'S LAW
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow

WEINBERG'S FIRST LAW
Progress is made on alternate Fridays

PAULG'S LAW
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save

THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
Whoever has the gold makes the rules

WESTHEIMER'S RULE
To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task

PARKINSON'S SECOND LAW
Expenditures rise to meet income

WIKER'S LAW
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some

PARKINSON'S LAW OF DELAY
Delay is the deadliest form of denial

CHEOP'S LAW
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget

NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent

LEVY'S NINTH LAW
Only God can make a random selection

GRESHAM'S LAW
Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never solved

THE MURPHY PHILOSOPHY
Smile ... tomorrow will be worse

MARKS' LAW
A fool and your money are soon partners

LAW OF INSTITUTIONS
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm

JUHANI'S LAW
The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it is compromising

JOHN'S COLLATERAL COLLARY
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it

REVEREND CHICHESTER'S LAWS
1. If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down
2. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down
3. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, church attendance will exceed all expectations

MALEK'S LAW
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way

O'BRIEN'S PRINCIPAL (THE $357.73 THEORY)
Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10

WEILER'S LAW
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself

WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization

THEORY OF SELECTIVE SUPERVISION
The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the Boss walks through the office

BARTH'S DISTINCTION
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't

FIRST LAW OF SOCIO-GENETICS
Celibacy is not hereditary

MR. COLE'S AXIOM
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing

CANADA BILL JONES' MOTTO
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money

JONES' MOTTO
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate

McCLAUGHRY'S CODICIL ^TO JONES' MOTTO
To make an enemy, do someone a favor

NEWTON'S LITTLE-KNOWN SEVENTH LAW
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead

O'REILLY'S LAW
OF THE KITCHEN Cleanliness is next to impossible

JENKINSON'S LAW
It won't work

HAMILTON'S RULE FOR CLEANING GLASSWARE
The spot you are scrubbing is always on the other side

WALKER'S LAW OF THE HOUSEHOLD
There is always more dirty laundry than clean laundry

CLIVE'S REBUTTAL TO WALKER'S LAW
If it's clean, it isn't laundry

SKOFF'S LAW
A child will not spill on a dirty floor

FIRST LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION
In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, the most vital measurement will be illegible

SECOND LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION
Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it only makes it worse

THIRD LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION
You are always complimented on the item which took the least effort to prepare

EXAMPLE If you make 'duck a l'orange' you will be complimented on the baked potato

FOURTH LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION
The one ingredient you make a special trip to the store to get will be the one your guest is allergic to

CAPTAIN PENNY'S LAW
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool MOM

BEIFELD'S PRINCIPLE
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend

LYNCH'S LAW
When the going gets tough, everybody leaves

EVANS AND BJORN'S LAW
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would

HELLRUNG'S LAW
If you wait, it will go away

SHAVELSON'S EXTENSION ... having done its damage

GRELB'S ADDITION If it was bad, it'll be back

DUCHARME'S PRECEPT
Opportunity always knocks at the least oppertune moment

FLUGG'S LAW
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world's composed of aluminum and vinyl

LAW OF THE SEARCH
The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it

MARYANN'S LAW
You can always find what you're not looking for

RUNE'S RULE
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost

FURGUSON'S PRECEPT
A crisis is when you can't say let's forget the whole thing

NAESER'S LAW
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damn-foolproof

IMBESI'S LAW
OF THE CONSERVATION OF FILTH In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty

FREEMAN'S EXTENSION ... but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean

GROSSMAN'S MISQUOTE OF H.L.MENCKEN
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers

EDELSTEIN'S ADVICE
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them

FIRST LAW OF TRAVEL
It always takes longer to get there than to get back

CAFETERIA LAW
The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in will be taken by the person in front of you

ETORRE'S OBSERVATION
The other line is always faster

O'BRIEN'S VARIATION ON ETORRE'S OBSERVATION
If you change lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the one you are now in

KENTON'S COROLLARY
Switching back screws up both lines and makes everybody angry

THE QUEUE PRINCIPLE
The longer you wait in line, the greater likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line

FLUGG'S RULE
The slowest checker is always at the quick- check-out lane

WITTEN'S LAW
Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a need for them an hour later

THOM'S LAW OF MARITAL BLISS
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding

MURRAY'S FIRST RULE OF THE ARENA
Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by firing the coach

MURRAY'S SECOND RULE OF THE ARENA
A free agent is anything but

MURRAY'S THIRD RULE OF THE ARENA
Whatever can go to New York will.

KNOX'S PRINCIPAL OF STAR QUALITY
Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless no-name, he immediately rises to stardom

LAVIA'S LAW OF TENNIS
A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or her oposition

THE RULE OF THE RALLY
The only way to make up for being lost is to make record time while you are lost

HUTCHINSON'S LAW
If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction

JONES' LAW
OF ZOOS AND MUSEUMS The most interesting specimen will not be labeled

HARRISON'S POSTULATE
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

PERKINS' POSTULATE
The bigger they are, the harder they hit

LOFTUS' FIFTH LAW
OF MANAGEMENT Some people manage by the book even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book

HECHT'S FOURTH LAW
There's no time like the present for postponing what you don't want to do

PARKINSON'S FIFTH LAW
If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it

ROGER'S RULE
Authorization for a project will be granted only when none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit if it succeeds

MOLLISOMN'S BUREAUCRACY HYPOTHESIS
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented, it wasn't worth doing

GOURD'S AXIOM
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost

WHISTLER'S LAW
You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge

LOFTUS' THEORY ON PERSONNEL RECRUITMENT
Far away talent always seems better then home-developed talent

FIRST RULE OF NEGATIVE ANTICIPATION
You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until you come to them

PORKINGHAM'S FIRST LAW OF SPORTFISHING
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you

PORKINGHAM'S SECOND LAW OF SPORTFISHING
The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing season draws nearer

PORKINGHAM'S THIRD LAW OF SPORTFISHING
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish

COROLLARY
The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater chance of having to stop at the fish market on the way home

SPENCER'S LAWS OF DATA
1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts
2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts
3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance

DREW'S LAW OF PROFESSIONAL PRACTICE
The client who pays the least complains the most

THAL'S LAW
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision

DINGLE'S LAW
When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it around instead of picking it up

LAW OF PROBABLE DISPERSAL
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed

JOE'S LAW
The inside contact that you have developed at great expense is the first person to be let go in any reorganization

PFEIFER'S PRINCIPLE
Never make a decision you can get someone else to make

LAW OF RERUNS
If you havw watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode

KITMAN'S LAW
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen

SWIPPLE RULE OF ORDER
He who shouts loudest has the floor

MATILDA'S LAW OF SUB-COMMITTEE FORMATION
If you leave the room, you're elected

HARDIN'S LAW
You can never do just one thing

KNAGG'S DERIVATIVE OF MURPHY'S LAW
The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the greater the chance of failure

GROSSMAN'S LEMMA
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday

WETHERN'S LAW OF SUSPENDED JUDGEMENT
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups

FIRST WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE
The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one missing from the tool chest

SECOND WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE
Most projects require three hands

THIRD WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE
Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts

FOURTH WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE
The more carefully you plan a project, the more confusion there is when something goes wrong

JARUK'S SECOND LAW
If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company will insist upon repairing the old one

COROLLARY If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the company will insist on the latest model

ROBERT'S AXIOM
Only errors exist

BERMAN'S COROLLARY TO ROBERT'S AXIOM
One man's error is another man's data

FIFTH LAW OF UNRELIABILITY
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer

FIRST LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
Important letters which contain no errors will develope errors in the mail

COROLLARY
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the boss is reading it

SECOND LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
Office machines which function perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you return to the office at night to use them for personal business

THIRD LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives

FOURTH LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick them will stick to other things when you don't want them to

FIFTH LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them

SIXTH LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
The last person who quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired

DEVRIES' DILEMMA
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper

DEAL'S FIRST LAW OF SAILING
The ammount of wind will vary inversely with the number and experience of the people you take on board

DEAL'S SECOND LAW OF SAILING
No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock, once you have reached the furthest point from port the wind will die

SHEDENHELM'S LAW OF BACKPACKING
All trails have more uphill sections than they have level or downhill sections

YEAGER'S LAW
Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle

COROLLARY
All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off

FINAGLE'S EIGHTH RULE
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else

MURPHY'S GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE
1. If it's green or wriggles, it's biology
2. If it stinks, it's chemistry
3. If it doesn't work, it's physics

LERMAN'S LAW OF TECHNOLOGY
Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money

LERMAN'S COROLLARY
You are never given enough time or money

THE RULER RULE
There is no such thing as a straight line

GRELB'S LAW OF ERRORING
In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur at the opposite end from the end at which you begin checking for errors

BREDA'S RULE
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last

MICHEHL'S RULE FOR PROSPECTIVE MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS
The mountain gets steeper as you get closer

FROTHINGHAM'S COROLLARY
The mountain look closer than it is

TODD'S FIRST LAW
All things being equal, you lose

COROLLARY
All things being in your favor, you still lose

LAW OF LIFE'S HIGHWAY
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

ATHENA'S RULE OF DRIVING COURTESY
If you allow someone to get in front of you, you both will have the same destination, and the other car will get the last parking space

McKEE'S LAW
When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop

DREW'S LAW OF HIGHWAY BIOLOGY
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes

CAMPBELL'S FIRST LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR
If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the tool to get it off

CAMPBELL'S SECOND LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR
If you can get the part off, the parts house will have it back-ordered

CAMPBELL'S THIRD LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR
If it's in stock, it didn't need replacing in the first place

LEMAR'S PARKING POSTULATE
If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two new parking spaces right in front of the building

BROMBERG'S FIRST LAW OF AUTO REPAIR
When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you becomes a hammer

BROMBERG'S SECOND LAW OF AUTO REPAIR
No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil

FEMO'S LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE ENGINE REPAIRING
If you drop something, it will never reach the ground

JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW
If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue which contained the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read

COROLLARY
All of your friends either missed it, lost it, or threw it out

ATWOOD'S FOURTEENTH COROLLARY
No books are lost by lending except those you particulary wanted to keep

BESS' UNIVERSAL PRINCIPALS
1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys

2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal

SHIRLEY'S LAW
Most people deserve each other

AURTHER'S FIRST LAW OF LOVE
People to whome you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else

ARTHUR'S SECOND LAW OF LOVE
The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person

BEDFELLOW'S RULE
The one who snores will fall asleep first

GILLENSON'S (de-sexed) LAW OF EXPECTATION
Never get excited about a blind date because of how it sounds over the phone

CHEIT'S LAMENT
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you - the next time he's in need

DENNISTON'S LAW
Virtue is its own punnishment

DENNISTON'S COROLLARY
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again

RUBY'S PRINCIPAL OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

JACOB'S LAW
To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more human

ISKE'S TEENAGE COROLLARY TO PARKINSON'S LAW
The stomach expands to accomodate the amount of junk food available

BANANA PRINCIPLE
If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten

BRITT'S GREEN THUMB POSTULATE
The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness

BALLANCE'S LAW OF RELIABILITY
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on

JONES' FIRST LAW OF TV PROGRAMMING
The only new show worth watching will be canceled

JONES' SECOND LAW OF TV PROGRAMMING
If there are only two shows worth watching, they will be on at the same time

JONES' THIRD LAW OF TV PROGRAMMING
The show you've been looking forward to all week will be preempted

RUAN'S APPLICATION OF PARKINSON'S LAW
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage

CORNUELLE'S LAW
Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them

ZYMURGY'S LAW OF VOLUNTEER LABOR
People are always available for work in the past tense

CONWAY'S LAW
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired

SEIT'S LAW OF HIGHER EDUCATION
The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered during your last semester

FIRST LAW OF CLASS SCHEDULING
Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste the maximum time between classes

SECOND LAW OF CLASS SCHEDULING
A pre-requisite for a desired course will only be offered during the semester following the desired course

FIRST LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible

SECOND LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want

THIRD LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read

FOURTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course

FIFTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget the book

COROLLARY
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live

SIXTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
At the end of the semester you will recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester and never attending

DUGGAN'S LAW OF SCHOLARLY RESEARCH
The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you cannot determine the source

ROMINGER'S RULES FOR STUDENTS
1. The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it

2. The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it later

WALLACE'S OBSERVATION
Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment

JOHNSON'S SECOND LAW
If in the course of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening

TERMAN'S LAW OF INNOVATION
If you want a track team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot

CHURCHILL'S COMMENTARY ON MAN
Man will ocassionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on

FARMER'S CREDO
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on Sunday pray for crop failure

MATZ'S MAXIM
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking

FAGIN'S RULE ON PAST PREDICTIONS
Hindsite is an exact science

MERKIN'S MAXIM
When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue

MEYER'S LAW
It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make them simple

HLADE'S LAW
If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he will find an easier way to do it

MATZ'S RULE REGARDING MEDICATIONS
A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report

COCHRAN'S APHORISM
Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is 1) positive, or 2) negative. If both answers are the same, don't do the test

MOSER'S LAW OF SPECTATOR SPORTS
Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the scoreboard or out buying a hot dog

MURRAY'S RULE OF FOOTBALL
The wrong quaterback is the one that's in there

MURRAY'S LAW OF HOCKEY
Hockey is a game played by six good players and a home team

GROUND RULE FOR LABORATORY WORKERS
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly

LEE'S LAW
In any dealings with a collective body of people, the people will always be more tacky than originally expected

SPENCER'S LAWS OF ACCOUNTABILITY
1. Trial balences don't
2. Working capitol doesn't
3. Liquidity tends to run out
4. Return on investments won't

O'BRIEN'S LAW
Nothing is ever done for the right reasons

WEBWE'S DEFINITION
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing

WARREN'S RULE
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most

MARS' RULE
An expert is anyone from out of town

GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about

YOUNG'S LAW
All great discoveries are made by mistake

LAW OF REVELATION
The hidden flaw never remains hidden

SODD'S SECOND LAW
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur

FIRST PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTYS
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is

SECOND PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for your scheduled appointment

THIRD PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottler

FOURTH PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
You never have the right number of pills left on the last day od a prescription

FIFTH PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
If your condition seems to be getting better, it's probably your doctor getting sick

TELESCO'S FIRST LAW OF NURSING
All the IVs are at the other end of the hall

TELESCO'S SECOND LAW OF NURSING
There are two kinds of adhesive tape the one that won't stay on and the one that won't come off

WORKING COOK'S LAWS
1. If you're wondering if you took the meat out to thaw, you didn't
2. If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot plugged in, you did

WITZLING'S LAW OF PROGENY PERFORMANCE
Any child who chatters non-stop at home will refuse to utter a sound when asked to demonstrate for a visitor

VAN ROY'S LAW
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

FISH'S FIRST LAW OF ANIMAL BEHAVIOR
The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it

FISH'S SECOND LAW OF ANIMAL BEHAVIOR
The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss is directly proportional to the number and importance of your guests

RON'S OBSERVATION ON TEENAGERS
The pimples don't appear until the hour before the date

JAFFE'S PRECEPT
There are some things which are impossible to know - but it is impossible to know which things these are

GRAY'S BUS LAW
A bus will arrive only when the would-be rider has walked to a point so close to the destination that it is no longer worthwhile to board the bus

LAW OF THE INDIVIDUAL
Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing

PARKER'S LAW
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone

THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made

THE WATERGATE PRINCIPLE
government corruption is always reported in the past tense

TODD'S FIRST TWO PRINCIPLES
1. No matter what they're telling you, they're not telling you the whole truth
2. No matter what they're talking about, they're taking about money

MILES' LAW
Where you stand depends on where you sit

THE KENNEDY CONSTANT
Don't get mad - get even

BERNSTEIN'S PRECEPT
The radiologists' national flower is the hedge

FIRST LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY
The best shots happen immediately after the last frame is exposed

SECOND LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY
The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap

THIRD LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY
The best shots will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door

THE DIALECTICS OF PROGRESS
Direct action produces direct reaction

THE ARMY AXIOM
Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood

IMHOFF'S LAW
The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank - the really big chunks always rise to the top

SPARK'S FIRST RULE FOR THE PROJECT MANAGER
Strive to look tremendously important

SPARK'S SECOND RULE FOR MANAGERS
Attempt to be seen with important people

SPARK'S THIRD RULE FOR MANAGERS
Speak with authority; however, only expound on the obvious and proven facts

SPARK'S FOURTH RULE FOR MANAGERS
Don't engage in arguments, but if cornered, ask an irrelevent question and lean back with a satisfied grin while your opponent tries to figure out what's going on - then quickly change the subject

SPARK'S FIFTH RULE FOR MANAGERS
Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on the defensive and also makes it look as if you are always in an important conference

JAY'S FIRST LAW OF LEADERSHIP
Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else is creativeness

JACQUIN'S POSTULATE ON DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while legislature is in session

TRISCHMANN'S PARADOX
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth

BUCY'S LAW
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man

DEDERA'S LAW
In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor you are not

THE SNAFU EQUATION
The object or bit of information most needed will be the one least available

TROUTMANN'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATE
#1 job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be

TROUTMANN'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATE
#2 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best

PROFESSOR BLOCK'S MOTTO
Forgive and remember

GLIB'S LAW OF UNRELIABILITY
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable

LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE
You cannot sucessfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter

HELLER'S LAW
The first myth of management is that it exists

JOHNSON'S COROLLARY
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization

FREEMAN'S RULE
Circumstances can force a generalized incompetent to become competent, at least in a specialized field

Mc GOWAN'S CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AXIOM
If an item is advertised as 'under $50.00', you can bet it's not $19.95

LUPOSCHAINSKY'S HURRY-UP-AND-WAIT PRINCIPLE
If you're early, it'll be cancelled. If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will have to wait. If you're late, you will be too late

DEHAY'S AXIOM
Simple jobs always get put off because there will be time to do them later

THUMB'S SECOND POSTULATE
An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth

EVAN'S LAW
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you just don't understand the problem

MATZ'S WARNING
Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble

WISE FAN'S LAMENT
Fools rush in - and get the best seats

THOMAS' LAW
The one who least wants to play is the one who will win
BROOK'S LAWS OF RETAILING
Security isn't. Management can't. Sale promotions don't. Consumer assistance doesn't. Workers won't

FINMAN'S BARGAIN BASEMENT PRINCIPLE
The one you want is never the one on sale

HERSHISER'S FIRST RULE
Anything labeled 'NEW' and/or 'IMPROVED' isn't

HERSHISER'S SECOND RULE
The label 'NEW' and/or 'IMPROVED' means the price went up

HERSHISER'S THIRD RULE
The label 'ALL NEW','COMPLETELY NEW' or 'GREAT NEW' means the price went way up

HADLEY'S FIRST LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING
If you like it, they don't have it in your size

HADLEY'S SECOND LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING
If you like it and its in your size, it doesn't fit anyway

HADLEY'S THIRD LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING
If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it

HADLEY'S FOURTH LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING
If you like it, it fits, and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wash it

HERBLOCK'S LAW
If it's good, they discontinue it

GOLD'S LAW
If the shoe fits, it's ugly

BERYL'S LAW
The 'Consumer Report' on the item will come out a week after you've made your purchase

COROLLARIES
1. The one you bought will be rated 'unacceptable'
2. The one you almost bought will be rated 'best buy'

MURPHY'S TENTH COROLLARY
Mother nature is a bitch

SINETETO'S FIRST LAW OF CONSUMERISM
A 60-day warranty gurantees that the product will self-destruct on the 61st day

FIRST RULE OF INTELLIGENT TINKERING
Save all the parts

LEWIS' LAW
People will buy anything that's one to a customer

LAW OF GIFTS
You get the most of what you need the least

CHISHOLM'S FIRST COROLLARY
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everybody's approval, somebody won't like it

CHICHOLM'S SECOND COROLLARY
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will

QUANTUM REVISION OF MURPHY'S LAW
Everything goes wrong all at once

COOPER'S METALAW
A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes

DIGIOVANNI'S LAW
The number of laws will expand to fill the publishing space available

THE LAST LAW
If several things that could have gone wrong have not gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong

WADE'S ADVICE
Never put off until tomorrow that which you could have forgotten about entirely.
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