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Lightbulbs

Q How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle.

Q How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? O.K. Now, exactly how dark is it? O.K., there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?

Q How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.

Q How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.

Q How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .

Q How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.

Q How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Q How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A It depends on how many burnt-out light bulbs he brought with him.

Q How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q How many Newton's does it take to change a light bulb?
A Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

Q How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.

Q How many gas fitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A Three. One to turn up the day before when you're out; One to change the switch; One to bring along the wrong sort of light bulb.

Q How many gay-rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?
A None. 'The light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.'

Q How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

Q How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

Q How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A None 'o yo' business!
A 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

Q How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A None. That's a hardware problem.
A One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Q How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A None. That's a software problem.
A None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

Q What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A They replace your fuse box.

Q How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

Q How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
A Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

Q How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.

Q How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A None. ('That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...')

Q How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Q How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

Q How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

Q How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A Three, but they're really only one.

Q How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

Q How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A That's not funny!!!

Q How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A It's 'Radcliffe Women' and that's not funny!

Q How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.

Q How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Both of them.

Q How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A A tree in a golden forest.
A Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A None. Zen masters carry their own light.

Q How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Billions and billions.

Q How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!

Q How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only 'This page intentionally left blank', and 20% of the definitions are of the form 'A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks'.
A Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.

Q How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Q How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A None. It turned itself in.

Q How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A How many can you afford?

Q How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A None. There never *was* any light bulb.

Q How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

Q How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A ---- You should have hit 'n'!

Q How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.

Q How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
A Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

Q How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

Q How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A About one third less than for a regular bulb.

Q How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.

Q How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

Q How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

Q 'How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?'
A '151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.'

Q How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A Many hands make light work.

Q How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A 'Approximately 1.00000000000000000000001'

Q How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

Q How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Q How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Q How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A All of them.

Q Do you know how many jazz musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.

Q How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

Q How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!

Q How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

Q How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A one.

Q How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

Q How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

Q How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A To get to the other side.

Q How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
A One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
A In an earlier article, zeus! bobr writes:

'Q How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?'
'A One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Q How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

Q How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb.

Q How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

Q How many aides does it take to change President Clinton's light bulb?
A None, they like to keep him in the dark.

Q How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A Depends on what you want to change it into.

Q How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.

Q How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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