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Toasters

If Andersen Consulting (or whatever the fuck they're called now) made toasters:

It would be the first fully integrated holistic re-engineered simple yet radical interpersonal communicational wheat product leveraging visionary offering toaster on the market coming without the risk of carbonation degradation via an architecting process involving a conceptual design of worldwide breadth helping to deliver domestic food services for enterprise-wide value frameworks across the continuum of reorientation in an impactful environment which is strategically based, industry focused and aligned with your family's mission, vision and core values.

If IBM made toasters:

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. The catchy ad campaign would be entitled 'Toasters for a small Planet' - a discussion with you an your dentist about IBM's incredible success in integrating toasters for the worldwide Olympic Games.

If Microsoft made toasters:

Every time you bought a loaf of bread you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'll still have to pay for it anyway.

Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters:

It would do everything a Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Xerox made toasters:

You could toast one-sided or two-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters:

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters:

They would claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters:

The toast would burn often, but you'd get a really good cuppa Java.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters:

They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If TRW Corporation made toasters:

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted telephone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified Government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If Sony made toasters:

The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single slice of bread it is meant to toast and can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Fisher Price made toasters:

'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters:

Every month you would receive another lovely hand crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
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