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Weird Science

A teacher compiled this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, ‘It's truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressure of time and grades.’

Tabby by name ‘trouble’ by nature!

‘Say what you feel ...feel what you say’

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts: first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places, so they look like umbrellas.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends toward the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Liter: a nest of young puppies.

Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Momentum: what you give a person when they are going away.

Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For a dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill him.

For a head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.
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