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The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy
'Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!'
Also known as
Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages
Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages
May wise up someday

Old Yeller
'You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??'
Also known as
She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages
Pays attention to you
Disadvantages
Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly
'Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.'
Also known as
Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages
Predictable
Disadvantages
Contagious

The Bosser
'Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look.'
Also known as
Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages
Often right
Disadvantages
Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
'I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?'
Also known as
The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages
Easily soothed
Disadvantages
Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control
'I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun.'
Also known as
Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages
More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages
Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy
'I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.'
Also known as
No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages
Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages
You will have no friends

Woman from Mars
'I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship.'
Also known as
The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages
Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages
Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl
'I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!'
Also known as
Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages
Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages
Will have nothing to do with you
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