Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
(They were screaming stop reading that insanely long bumper sticker and watch the road!!!)

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Your kid may be an honour student but you're still an IDIOT!

Its as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Wink, Ill do the rest!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who cant.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Diplomacy is the art of saying Nice doggie!. till you can find a rock.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Few women admit their age, few men act it.

Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I souport publik edekasion

I've been missing my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.

If you lived here, you'd be home now.

Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?