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Waste some time
Have a donut and some coffee
While you are supposed to be working


Cafe au Lait
French for 'coffee with milk.' It consists of equal portions of scalded milk and coffee.
Having never had one, no comment (well, that hasn't started out well at all now has it).

Cafe Latte
Espresso combined with a liberal amount of foamy steamed milk, served in a tall glass mug.
OK, these I've had, and I've had hundreds, nay, thousands.
The first thing to note about ordering Cafe Latte is do not get pseudo-pretentious and order a Latte. If you do, I hope that the waitron brings you a glass of foamy steamy milk. Cafe people! Cafe is what makes the Latte a Cafe Latte.
The worst thing that can be brought to you, even when you order correctly, is a glass of (almost) instant coffee with the temperature of the foamy steamed milk anywhere near boiling. With the milk that hot, you will get 'milk maid scum' in seconds and the best thing to do with this is to present it to the barista as a gift (in lieu of payment) as you walk out the door with your nose held high and your wallet firmly in your back pocket.
A good Cafe Latte however ... ahhhhhhh ... there is little better.
Campus Maximus and Miss Fiona know what I'm talking about and so should you.

Cafe Macchiato
An espresso with a dollop of steamed-milk foam, served in an espresso cup.
Also known as "puke in a cup"
Why bother with the milk, boys and girls. If you want milk then have a Cafe Latte or Cappuccino. If you want no milk, then have an espresso. But for goodness sake, don't sully the purity of the coffee for a dollop of milk. And it's not even milk, it's milk foam. Like the stuff you find floating down the river near the sewerage farm. It's just not right.

Long Macchiato
An espresso with a dollop of steamed-milk foam, served in an tall glass.
For those who have an affinity for a long glass of puke.

A single shot (approximately 1 to 1-1/2 oz of espresso).
The Italian tradition is to ceremoniously drink the espresso "solo" in a single gulp to enjoy the fullest espresso flavor while the beverage is at its peak of freshness. As a sub-aficionado of coffee I can tell you that true test of a superb espresso is that the sugar must be able to sit on the surface of the crema for 30 seconds before sinking.
When prepared well, using arabica beans, one of the most magnificent versions of coffee anywhere. Unfortunately using robusta beans you get a bitter, bitter imitation. The best espresso I ever had was in Argentina, where I got used to the flavor and since then, have never found an equal.

Doppio (Italian for double)
A double espresso.
Hmmmm, I can feel the enamel dissolving from my teeth as I drink.

Although ratios may vary to taste, traditional cappuccino is 1/3 espresso, 1/3 steamed milk, and 1/3 frothed milk. To layer the milk and espresso, you need to allow the freshly frothed milk a moment to rest and thus separate (foam on top and milk on the bottom). Brew the espresso into a 3 oz. stainless pitcher (ceramic or glass will absorb too much heat of the espresso). Pour steamed milk into the bottom third of the cup. Pour the espresso slowly into the steamed milk. Spoon frothed milk on top to fill cup. Done in this order, the espresso should settle between the milk and the foam. Properly frothed milk should be approximately 65ºC to 75ºF (150ºF to 170ºF).
Most of the time you will simply get an espresso with the milk and froth unceremoniously poured on top and then adulterated by an addition of cocoa.
This is not what we are paying for Signor Barista and you should not serve it to us either.
On the other hand a well made cappuccino is worth it's weight in gold.

Cafe Americano (aka Long Black)
To one shot of espresso add hot water to make a full cup. Unlike traditional espresso, this beverage is often consumed with sugar.
Gag, spit, choke, puke.
Why, why, why taint the purity of the espresso with water?
Too hot, let it cool down.
Too strong, then drink water.
But please, don't drink this.
It's an abomination.
Yes, I'm talking to you Mr. S.

Cappuccino with low fat milk, or worse, decaffeinated coffee with nonfat milk.
See Cafe Americano.
Not on your life buster!

Flat White
To one shot of espresso add steamed milk.
You are average. Joe Average. Joe Q. Average.
The reprehensible cretin who came up with this should be shot.
Mr. Hambone, you know who this is about now don't you!
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