Number 1. Awarded - Gold. Numereo Uno. The Big Cheese. What Plancks Constant can never be more than. The number of Universes. The number of times you should try everything. The simplest number to draw. The first number to learn. It doesn't get any better or easier than this.

**A**Number 2. Due. Zwei. Awarded - Silver. Imagine coming that close to being first, only not to be.

Who remembers 2nd?

No-one that's who.

Who remembers 2nd?

No-one that's who.

**D**Tre. Drei. Three. Awarded - Bronze. I would rather come third than second. Three is better than two, but looks like half of eight, so maybe it should have been four.

Multiples of 3 are a bitch as well.

Multiples of 3 are a bitch as well.

**C**Four. Quattro. Fiere. 4th. Awarded - Plastic. You get no prize for coming fourth. It's as bad as being 2nd, but you don't get your name immortalised. You need three strokes to draw it. Why not four? No-one uses multiples of four. It sounds like for and fore, but isn't. Not even a prime number. Baaaaad.

**D**Five. Cinque. Halfway to ten. Multiples of 5 are cool and easy. How can you get them wrong! The perfect number for a quintet. And in the real world, it's rare, how many quintuplets do you know? Only 4 letters in 5, huh? On the other hand a prime number, and most prime numbers are cool.

**B**Six. Sixth. Sei. It's an upside down 9, that's all. Who got paid to design 6? Obviously a consultant. They took something familiar, turned it upside down, presented it as something new and we all bought it. If you're from NZ, it sounds like you're asking for a bit on the side, so I like it.

**B**Seven. Zeben. Sette. It's a rip off of 1 with a bigger head. And some people draw it with a dash across its middle. That's just plain wrong people. You get no prize for coming seventh. You don't even get an achievers certificate. Yeah, you made up the numbers, but you were an also-ran. Loser.

**C**Eight. Otto. Acht. One fat lady. Two rings. Two circles joined at the middle. Unless you draw it properly, it looks lopsided. On its side you can see infinity. Sounds like ate so why the spelling? The only sound that appears in eight that you can hear is the T. What's with the EIGH?

**D**Nine. Nove. See six.

On the up side, when combined with 6, you get the best position ever invented.

Equality for all in this position.

On the up side, when combined with 6, you get the best position ever invented.

Equality for all in this position.

**B**Ten. Dieci. Can also be any other number you like. Base 5 this would be 5. Base 8 this would be 8. While it looks like ten, that's only because you're trapped in the decimal world. Think outside the box people. Go beyond the matrix.

**A**