You know when you're walking down the street and just where you want to cross there's no set of traffic lights, but 50 feet down the street there is a set of traffic lights, but you can't be bothered walking that far, so you cross where you want to cross and you just miss getting hit by a car?
I feel like that some days.
You know when you get on an airplane and the stewardess is going through the safety check with you and she points out that the life jacket is under your seat and you call out I know how to swim, what I don't know how to do is fly, where's the damn parachute, and the nice men with the bulges under their suit coats punch you to the ground?
I feel like that most of the time.
You know when you were ten and you were looking forward to your birthday because this was the first time that you would be in double digits and your father comes home with 10 pairs of socks for you because, hey, it matches your age?
I hated my tenth birthday.
You know when you wake up in the morning and you notice it's 30 minutes past the time you should have woken up and you freak out, getting out of bed, forgoing the shower and coffee, only to get 20 kilometers down the road towards work and remember it's Sunday?
I feel like that every Sunday.
You know when you are sitting there at lunch time thinking about whether you should go and get lunch and you have a hard time making up your mind what you would like to have for lunch and by the time you've made up your mind about what you are finally going to have for lunch, it's past lunch time?
This is me, most of the time.
You know when you're having breakfast and the whole family is sitting around the breakfast table and when you ask your wife for the sugar, instead of saying pass the sugar please, you say you bitch, you've ruined my life?
I wish I could say that, just once.
You know how you're getting all sexulicious with the wife and you're having the best time of your life, thinking you are the best stud muffin this side of Mars and you look down to see whether the missus is enjoying it right along with you and you hear her snore?
My two kids have made life like this for me all the time.
You know how you're sitting on the bus on the way to work and there's a fat woman standing in front of you with the back of her dress stuck between her arse cheeks and so you lean forward pull it out and she turns around and hits you, so trying to be polite you tuck it back in and she punches you even harder?
I am never helping anyone ever again.