Wondering What To Get For Her?
Don't bother. Whatever you get, it will be almost but not exactly what she doesn't want. Why go to the trouble of getting in the car, driving down to the shop, carefully hunting around for that item that will mean something special. We can do all of the work for you. We offer a money back guarantee it will be the wrong size, color, and style. We have a wide range of inappropriate items you can choose from, some of the more (or less) popular items being frying pans, irons, deluxe depilatory kits, and knee socks. For a small additional fee we'll wrap in that hurried 5-minutes-to-go-before-I-shove-it-under-the-tree manner, so she'll know you did it yourself.
Something for Him.
Buy that special man in your life a special fragrance. You can choose from our wide range on manly scents like:
Hardware Store with the fresh pine smell.
Mechanics Workshop which is not a spray on but a huge blob of 10-year-old grease that burns with the fury of a thousand suns.
Meatloaf & Mashed Potatoes with that special added something that just may be Tomato Sauce.
Peanuts 'N' Beer or Barbecue Grill where the fragrance speaks for itself.
The Perfect Toddler Gift.
Do you find it hard to find a toy that will hold the attention span of a young 2-5 year old? What with TV blasting at them all day, their attention span is less than the mating time of the March Fly. Imagine their delight when they unwrap their gift and find a playground in a box. Mainly because that's exactly what it is - a box. Make him or her the envy of her playgroup friends where they will all want turn at 'the box'. Save yourself time and money by buying our box. Comes in brown, light brown or dark brown. Hours of fun!
Get This Gift! Get that teen a perfect gift that encourages creativity. The Very Large Book of Angst is the most comprehensive collection of dark, brooding poetry put together since the retirement of the 'Comfy Chair' and the Spanish Inquisition. Perfect for the wannabe activist, young militant feminist (aren't they all), environmental extremist, or any adolescent who is convinced their generation is destined to fix all the problems of the world while wearing Goth makeup.
Specify boy or girl it doesn't matter, at this age they could be considered androgynous.
Stuck for an office gift?
You see these people every day. You are forced to share cubicles with them, have lunch with them, listen to them whine about their foot problems and watch their flabby arms flail in the air whenever something doesn't go their way. You hate them, but you are still obliged to buy something for them. We offer an extensive array of useless crap perfect for cluttering up their office workspace. They're cheap, and they look it, and it tells them exactly what you think of them.
What did they give you last year. A freakin' bath towel. Not a set, remember, ONE. UNO. Cheap sons-a-bitches. Still, it's better to get them something to maintain the ceasefire rather than risk Armageddon. So send Attila the Hun and the Wicked Witch of the West a pipe cleaner. It's better than nothing.
What Will "Santa Claws" Bring Your Dog?
Who cares? It's a freakin' animal. It doesn't know one day from the next. Give it a pair of socks or some worn out runners to chew on if it makes you feel better, it won't care, why should you?