Tell the telemarketer the story of how the rest of your family recently died in a horrible train wreck where they were all burned horribly and the only way you could identify them was by the remains of their teeth and now you don't have anyone to call. Feel free at this point to start whimpering and crying. See if you can get a rise out of the telemarketer or whether they simply hang up.
Telemarketer: Hi, this is Donna with XYZ credit card company, my I speak to Mr. Weber?
You: I'm sorry, he is not available. But if you can answer 3 questions, you can win lots of terrific prizes!
Telemarketer: Excuse me?
You: Johnny, tell this young lady what she can win!
You: (using different voice) Thank you Pete, they can win a vacation to Hawaii, airfare not included, a $5 shopping spree at Wal-Mart, or a pack of Juicy Fruit gum.
Telemarketer: I really can't do this, my supervisor could be listening.
You: For the pack of Juicy Fruit gum, what is 7 plus 8?
When the telemarketer asks for someone, respond with a just a minute type of comment. Don't set the phone down and don't hang it up. Just keep listening. If the telemarketer asks any more questions, don't answer, just sit there listening. Time how long it takes for them to hang-up. See if you beat this record next time. You can vary this game by occasionally calling to someone in the distance, hey, have you picked up the phone yet. You can get the telemarketer to hang on for 5-6 minutes using this bait.
Normally when the telemarketer calls you, they don't give you the chance to say no for a few minutes while they go through their carefully crafted spiel, constructed so there are no breaks and no questions. All the time, you should be going "uh huh", "yeah", etc then when the telemarketer gets to the crunch and pops the question about whether you would like to switch phone companies, tell them you weren't paying attention and ask them to repeat. The smart ones hang up, the stupid ones start again, and to tell if you have a desperate one on the line, play the game again and see if you can get them to go round the spiel 3 times or more.
Mr. Peter? He's been dead for years. I've had this number for five and a half years, ever since he jumped off the building. Maybe you should rethink this whole scam business you're in if the only phone list you can afford includes the names of people who died in the 20th century.
Are you interested in ...
Begin the nonstop prattling, No, you know, times are tough and money's tight right now, the dishwasher's on the blink, and the last time I had a vacation was about 5 years ago, the kinds need new shoes and my partner has just lost his job through the company failing, so we didn't even get any holiday pay that they owed, and I don't know how I'm going to pay the electricity bill this month and the water is just about to be cut off because I am so far being with the payments, not to mention that the car is having problems, I think it might be the starter motor and that is going to cost a fortune to get fixed and I've got my period and can't afford any pain medication, oh by the way did you know that I still haven't paid back my taxes for last year and Social Security are threatening to reduce our payment to cover off the tax we owe ...
How long did the telemarketer last? All the way through to the end? Then keep going.
With the new Telemarketer Game, you can turn their annoying calls into a fun game that the whole family can play! Note: This assumes you have no life, or are just plan evil. I prefer evil.
Scoring is a basic point system:
For each minute spent on the phone 10 pts.
Getting transferred to someone who makes more than minimum wage 15 pts.
For each minute spent on the phone with person making more than minimum wage 25 pts.
Get them to repeat part of their script 5 pts/each repeat.
Getting answers to stupid questions 15 pts/each answer.
Changing the subject 50 pts/each.
Making the 'sales person' angry 175 pts.
Making the 'sales person' use profanity 750 pts
Getting their boss on the phone and telling them the salesman used profanity 1500 pts.
Getting their 1-800 number 10 pts.
Posting their 1-800 number to alt.sex as a free 'Phone Sex' line 50 pts.
Checking the number a week later and it is busy or disconnected 5000 pts.