You've Got Mail
I will never see this movie, ever. The lead guy, what's his name, ahhh, never mind, it's not like he's got any talent, he's that forgettable. And the woman. I forgot her name, but she's done something probably as bad that I have seen, that I later regretted, or more correctly, regretted while I was still watching it. This is probably one of those 'feel good' movies that come out when everyone gets excited about new technology. You know. Email. Like that hadn't been around for 50 years before they made this piece of crappola. I wonder if people actually feel good about themselves when they emerge from the theatre after seeing dreck like this, or whether they just say their feeling good, not wanting to go into the fact that they truly feel bad after parting with $12.50 see this piece of shit.
No way am I going to see this, ever. It's the story of a ship, that sinks (oops, have I just spoilt the ending for you?) Tied up somewhere is a man and a woman, and guess what ... they have sex. Oh, and they're from different classes, so it's not nice sex, it's clandestine, naughty, forbidden sex. Damn, who thought that little gem up. Never been done before that. One of them (hopefully) dies and the ship sinks (did I say that already) and all of this takes around 3 hours of your life away, and it has that Celine Dion piece of crap song in it. Geez, if I ever actually was forced to see this movie (and it would have to be with my eyes held open with surgical tape) I would die.
Sleepless in Seattle
This has got the same people as You've Got Mail. Or if it hasn't, it's just that they are so remarkably similar that I forgot I didn't want to see either movie. This is probably one of the 'feel good' movies that came out when people discovered radio and talk back shows. (You know at this point, you may actually be thinking, I've seen these movies, and you would be dead, dead wrong. I'm making this all up from being forced to watch the fricken' trailers when I went to see good movies, so anything I say here that actually resembles the final product is simply the imaginings of a deranged person.) Oh, and this movie probably sucked like a Hoover.
Six Days, Seven Nights
Starring Harrison Ford (Star Wars) and that lesbian, what ever her name was, only famous because she was doing Ellen DeGeneres at the time. Since then, they've broken up and, hey, who knows her now? No-one, and that's what she deserves. So the movie. Looks like these two (who despise each other by the way) are on a plane, and the plane crashes (oooh, raise your hand if you didn't see that coming) and they're stranded on a desert island (probably for six days, and let me think, seven nights) and then they get along with with each other and get to have sex. Pfft. A Lesbian, and Harrison Ford, having sex. Please. Let's make something believable here. He must be in his 60's and she's, let's face fact, a lesbian. I don't think either of them die (unfortunately). This movie (if I had seen it) blows chunks.
An Officer and a Gentlemen
Probably should have been more aptly titled, A Pervert and his Felching Buddy. You know that story don't you. You don't? Well, it appears that a certain star of this movie (and others) was caught with his pants down (and I'm not talking figuratively here) with a gerbil stuck up his arse. Well, that's the story, anyway, and it would make a better movie than this piece of shit was or will ever be. In preference to seeing this movie I would rather drink a bucket of vomit. Someone else's vomit if it came to that. A bucket of someone else's vomit, every hour, on the hour for the rest of my life than watch this movie.
Staring Julia Roberts (whom I'm sure only gets parts because of that laugh of hers, and her legs, because it's sure not her acting ability) and Hugh Grant (the very same Hugh Grant who was sprung inviting that prostitute Devine Marie Brown (actually Estella Marie Thompson) into his BMW in LA). There, now that I've dunked these two back where they belong, what about the movie. I've seen the shorts. I've seen a gray door. I trust that they (at some point, and maybe many points) actually have sex, after all what's in a movie like this if you don't get the occasional shot of Huge Grant in his boxers and maybe a tight shot of JR in bed with the sheets pulled up above her boobs. Nothing. That's what's in a move like this. Nothing Hill.