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Supervillain FAQ's

Q: Is the ability to watch Barney the Dinosaur a true Supervillain power?
A: Shit yes, but only if you can do it for more than 5 hours straight, or you are a two year old. Two year olds automatically count as Supervillains. I mean have you ever smelt what comes out of their rear end? If that's not a Supervillain power, then I don't know what is.

Q: Why do Supervillains have this compulsive need to label all of their self destruct triggering devices? Wouldn't it be more evil to have a doomsday device that can't be turned off?
A: Something you probably don't understand about us Supervillains is that we normally don't go around making and labeling doomsday devices at all. I mean, we are pretty much interested in taking over the world, so if we create a doomsday device, and it didn't have a convenient label to tell you what it's for and how to turn it off, then if, say you were busy watching Barney, you couldn't rely on the Superheroes to come on in and save the day by hitting the red stop button. After all, if I was interested in taking over the world, I certainly wouldn't be blowing it up. Unless I was an evil alien Supervillain, which is simply nonsense, they don't exist. Furthermore, if it wasn't a full destruction doomsday device, sort of a dooms-mid-sunday-afternoon-when-you're-really-bored device, then I guarantee your some prick fricken' Superhero is just going to come right in and aim it straight at you. The last thing you want it to try and find the instruction manual and sort through 15 fricken' menus to turn the fucker off. Nope. We want one red button that says disarm. Oh, and we got a Brother P-Touch Super Label Maker for Christmas and all the condiment jars area already labeled.

Q: What is the deal with telling your arch-enemy, the Superhero, what your plan is just when you're about to kill him?
A: We have no self-esteem. We may be diabolically clever, but what we really want is love and validation of our evilness so quite often (well every single episode really) we feel a need to justify our actions to our arch-enemy, in a vain attempt to earn their approval.

Q: So why do you concoct these weird and wonderful methods of dealing death to your arch-enemy, only to be thwarted? Why don't you just shoot the fucker, there and then?
A: It's all inter-related in the great thread of life. Normally you can't just shoot the Superhero. Most of the time they are impervious to bullets, or they'll be wearing the fucking Bullet-Reflecting Bat-Shirt or some other fucking lame-o device that just really pisses us off. You must come up with a plan to do away with the Superhero with enough cunning and talent, such they you are left wondering if you are truly going to die while your Superhero rescuer is hanging, by his testicles, upside down, over a vat of molten lead while an army of fire ants marches down his legs towards his sensitive areas. Then at the last minute, they'll swing from side-to-side, shaking off the ants until their bodies form a platform over the molten lead and the Superhero is able to use the het coming from the lead to melt their own steel bindings. Fuckers! Trust me, with all the expense that goes into trying to kill these guys, if I could shoot the prick I would, but you can't so we don't.

Q: So where do you find a construction team for your Supervillain headquarters?
A: Hollow volcanoes have been in existence for millions of years. Why pay good money to a construction team to build one when you can either find your own, or better yet, take one over that's at end-of-lease. You can't find these end-of-lease adverts at your local Real Estate Agent you know. There is a special group that controls the leases, the same ones who control the secrets of the aliens, cars that run on water and who keep the Americans under the belief that the Imperial system of measurement is better than Metric. In fact, I picked up a second hand hollowed out volcano just the other week, with a laser that can draw porn pictures on the the moon and comes with a nicely labeled button that says "Erupt'.

Q: What is the difference between a villain, and evil villain and a Supervillain?
A: Well, one starts with V, one starts with E and one starts with S. Sheesh! Didn't you go to school?

Q: Do you want / need a Supervillain side-kick?
A: We aren't hiring at the moment (have you heard that a lot lately?) But, if you do want to gain skills in evilness, apply for a job at Telstra.

Q: When you are not being a Supervillain, what do you do?
A: I am a public / civil servant. There's a good lot of on-the-job training for evil do-er wannabes in the public service.
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