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Superhero FAQ's

Q: How do I use my X-Ray Vision?
A: When you first discover that you have X-Ray Vision, you will inevitable try and use it to see women's underwear. You have, haven't you. Don't even bother trying to respond no, the correct answer is yes, you little pervert. Anyways, when using your X-Ray Vision to see under what people are wearing, you should be very careful to ensure that your Heat Ray ability is left in peripheral mode. If you don't, you end up trying to perve on someone while smoke pours out of their pants.

Q: Where do superpowers come from?
A: Sometimes you're born with them and sometimes you can acquire them. Now by acquire, I don't mean going down to the local hardware store, looking in aisle 3 and buying the first superpower you come across. No! I mean something horrible, hideous and possibly deforming will occur to you and then, whamo, out of the blue, you get a power. Something like being dropped into a vat of radioactive acid, which is horrible and deforming, will always add to your superpower arsenal. Having a radioactive spider bite you when your sitting on the toilet seat can also provide superpowers. Being at ground zero when a nuke goes off, if it doesn't vaporise your instantly, will also increase your superpowers. The radioactivity given off by the luminescent dial of your watch will not give you superpowers, so all that time you spent rubbing your watch against your dick was wasted. Especially if you were ever caught 'increasing your superpowers'.

Q: Why does every superhero have an arch nemesis?
A: Everyone needs a friend. Hey, being a superhero isn't all it's cracked up to be y'know. No-one knows your true identify. You can't get a date, whenever you walk down the street and someone screams for help, off you have to go and then at the end of each disaster, they walk away, no follow-up phone call, no flowers, no chocolates, nothing. So in order to make a friend, we find a normal villain, do something horrible, hideous and deforming to him and, blamo, instant arch enemy. That way, when the time comes for another 30 minute episode somewhere, you have an instant friend you can always count on.

Q: What's with the undies on the outside?
A: What? Where do you wear yours?

Q: No seriously, what's with the undies on the outside?
A: Look, dude, in order to look super-muscular and super-dumb (so we can pull the chicks) we wear capes and tights with our undies on the outside. I mean, you've seen guys at the beach with the speedos on, yeah, and the chicks that flock around them, we'll we just want the same. It's all about sex you know. That's why we wear tights too, so we don't have to shave our legs and the capes conceal the back hair. I mean, you strip most of us down and you'll find behind the glamour and glitz that we're paunchy, hairy, wrinkled blokes with fake armadillo's down our undies. Except Spiderman. His underwear isn't suitable for display on the outside. After all, he's just a gangly teenager and probably wears those baggy boxers.

Q: Why do all superheroes have one fatal weakness, that within 1 episode, the whole freaken' world will know about?
A: I blame the script editors. There were problems from the start.

Q: You superheroes all seems to have stacks of money for building lairs, lasers, cool cars, etc, where do you get it all?
A: Most of it come from Jockey but we also make some off Calvin Klein nowadays, although Calvin tends to stick more with Spiderman even though you can't see them. The Hulk also makes a shitload of money from the internet. You've seen his ads. They're all over the place. Those Banner ads (insert groan here). But seriously, when we acquire superpowers, there's generally radioactivity involved, so after we've been exposed to all that hideously deforming radioactivity, we sue the crap out of the governments that own the reactor and live a comfortable life after that. Oh, and we also make porn movies on the side.

Q: Do you guys ever get to have sex?
A: You mean with women? Apart from the porn movies, no. Come on (no pun intended), we're superheroes. We can jump buildings in a single bound, we can stop trains in the tracks with our pinkies, we're faster than a speeding bullet, their isn't a woman on the planet who could take the might of a superhero and live to tell the tale. In fact, once we pull off the undies and tights, most of the women we meet scream and run away. I mean, we pack a powerful punch down there. The only superhero I know of in the casa de superhero that ever gets off is Captain Orgasmo, and that's only because his superpower is the ability to orgasm at the most inappro ... oh ... OH ... OHHHHHH, yeah baby!
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