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Pool Toys

Mattresses aka Pool Beds
These are not actually a feasible method of relaxation. You shift from side to side, up and down until you finally reach that precarious balance that means you can't move (for any reason) lest you receive that sudden cold water dunk you have been trying to avoid. Furthermore in the country that has the worst rate of skin cancer in the world, using one of these things really means it's time to invite Mr. Melanoma around and let him feast upon your pale, white, winter skin until he has sunk his talons into your hide. Then of course, you bang your head on the edge of the pool and slowly bounce away ready for another bang and bounce a few minutes later. These things suck.

Pool Noodles aka Water Log
Water Log!?! Not the name of an item that I want to see floating around the pool thank you very much, so from now on these are only referred to as Pool Noodles. These things are like gigantic bendy straws. Made from high density polyethylene, just one of these will support my 100kg bulk, albeit mainly under the water. You can hit people in the head with them. You can float on one and use a second as a light saber and play Star Wars. You can dive over them, under them. They have a million uses. OK, they have a couple of uses, but at only a couple of bucks each, they are the cheapest and best toy around.

Floaties aka Water Wings
I don't think I've ever owned floaties. I know my oldest daughter has because I bought them for her (does that mean I do own some?) By the time we got a pool, she was 10 and could swim, so they're in the garage, still wrapped in the original plastic. I image though, that if she were to wear them, they would not support her weight and she would slowly sink while her arms were forced above her head in that "I'm Drowning Daddy Come And Save Me Dammit" wave. Fortunately she learned to swim before the uncles starting coming around, because there is nothing they like more than throwing her right in the deep end to see if she can swim. I can swim so I have no need for Floaties, but if I was whale watching and some Southern Right Whale humped our boat, I might think twice.

Diving Sticks
We have a set of diving sticks. You fill them with water to an inch from the top and chuck them in the pool. The little bit of air at the top is supposed to keep them upright. More like, yeah right. They either float to the top of the pool or sink to the bottom and fall on their side. OK, so we got over this and started playing diving. Two minutes later the numbers have worn off the side (brilliant idea, let's print the numbers on paper and glue them to the stick, they won't wash off!), so the game of odds and evens is out. Day two and the caps have reacted with the chlorine and they've split, rendering the things not suitable for purpose, but they do make nice colorful snail homes. 10 bucks, for 8 hours, these thing suck too. So, now we use coins. More incentive for the little one to stay under as long as possible.

Horses, Whales, Dolphins
OK, we don't actually have a floating horse (you know the kind that has a head and this weird round body that you can fit right into). We only have dolphins. Note the plural. We have three ride on dolphins. Now when we first got them we (meaning I) blew them up as hard as we could (little aside here, being a smoker, this took around 5 hours, so when I was able to hump my emphysematic body down to Bunnings, I went and bought a pump). Jumped on them in the pool and promptly went arse over tit. Read the instructions and find out they should only be inflated to around 25%. So out of 300% of air, I only needed 75%. My lung surgeon laughed and laughed and laughed.

Pool Chair
Unlike the mattress which is designed for lying down upon, well, designed is not the right word given what I've said about, but you get the idea, the pool chair is designed so you can sit in it. Pigs bum. Over inflate and you'd need the talent of a seal balancing a ball on it's nose to use it. They are deadly. Under inflate and your arse ends up sitting in the water. What is it with these things?
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