This year I will go on a diet.
Wow, hold your horse there Nelly (and don't eat it, just hold it). Look, you were a fat bastard when you were born. You were a fat bastard when you were a little kid growing up (and your parent told you you would grown out of the 'puppy fat' stage, pffffft, little did they know). When you were a late teenager, you were a fat bastard. During your twenties, you ate nothing but hamburgers, drank milkshakes and occasionally subsumed a puppy or kitten when you accidentally sat on it. You are now in your thirties or forties and you are still a fat bastard. The only diet that you will ever succeed at is the death diet. That's right, when you die, you will eventually get thinner. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen, so forget the diet, be old, be happy, be fat.
I'm not going to drink any more.
That's right you soused, old (fat) fart. Nor are you going to drink any less. Quit kidding yourself.
I'm resolve to give up smoking.
Wow. You've never made this one before have you? Well, call me sarcastic if you must, but if you are at the point where you are making a New Year's Resolution to quit smoking, then you've been smoking for too many years to quit. Really. Think about it. After the first year, you decided you could quit any time you wanted. Then the second and third years and you convinced yourself that you really enjoyed smoking and when you noticed your health decline you had the willpower to stop if you chose to. At the fourth, fifth and sixth years, you were up to a pack a day and really only smoked when you drank (see above resolution), but as you are an alcoholic, it really wasn't quite the whole truth now was it. At ten years and beyond, you don't think you are truly convinced that you are addicted to nicotine and that because quitting smoking is willpower, all you have to do is proclaim that on New Year's Eve, you will stay stop, and something will magically enable you to put that nicotine addiction away. Well, I suppose that's what resolutions are there for. To be broken. Go have a drink and a smoke, it'll make you feel better.
Resolve to spend more time with you spouse, significant other, pet, or whatever.
Oh, please. You drink to forget them, why the fuck would you want to spend more time with that wretched hag who is just draining the life out of you. And as far as getting more active with the kids, you smoke too, so your activity is driving them to the playground and spending the next 30 minutes heaving your fat arse out of the car and over to the slide where you wait to catch your emphysemic breath before deciding it's too fucking hot and God, you need a drink. Forget this one too.
Resolve to not be single
There's an old saying that if you ask every woman in the bar if they want to have sex with you, the likelihood is that at least one of them will say yes. You won't grown old with the salacious slag (especially when you look over at her in the morning and start to gnaw off your own arm rather than wake her (it?) up), but at least if you start on New Years Eve, you might get laid for the first time this year and hey, that's close enough.
Resolve to do your little part for the environment
Yup, instead of pitching the empty beer cans, cigarette butts and fast food wrappers out the window, you'll stuff them all into the back seat until you car becomes so overloaded with festering rotting crap, you just take the whole mess down the dump and leave it there, car and all.
Resolve to know that you know not a damn one of these is going to happen anytime this year
Finally, one you can achieve and one out of seven isn't bad. You might try the rest again next year. After all, you can't have all of your successes come at once.