Boss: 'We want to be proactive here and keep this from happening again.'
Me: 'Reactive. Something happened, and we're reacting to it. We're not being proactive. Proactive means to do something to prevent an occurrence before it happens.'
Boss: 'Well we're preventing it from happening again.'
Me: 'I have to go pretend to care about something else now.'
Memo From HR: New policies dictate that employees 'must not be fired', they may be however 'externally relocated', 'counseled out', 'right sized', 'involuntarily separated' or 'outplaced'.
From Your Manager: Calling something an 'issue' is now frowned upon. It's seen as negative. From today we don't have 'problems' or 'issues' - we have challenges or opportunities.
When the word empowerment is heard from the bird, you are permitted to utter the following phrase: 'I feel empowered ... to do what I'm told, if I don't want to be externally relocated.'
Memo From HR: We no longer persecute the innocent, we engage in lessons learned - it's a concise way of asking what was learned in an iteration of a process or a project. We consider it a much more friendly than 'OK, who fucked up and how bad?'
When uttered by you to your Manager: 'You may be right!' and 'I never thought of that!'
Translation: 'I think you're full of shit, but I have to kiss your ass, so I will say something that kind of sounds like I'm agreeing with you, but, upon closer examination, is really a totally meaningless phrase, because obviously I did fucking think of that, and you'll be right when Satan goes to work on a sled.
From no-one in particular: Value-add - rather ironic in that if you're reading this at work, you're probably not adding value.