llo? [crackle]re you there? [snap]nt hear you. [zzzzzt]r me?'
Listen here knucklehead (or if you're breaking up that much, just try and listen). Before you get out your phone and call me, check out the little pictures on your handset. See the one on the left, the one with the picture of the antenna on it. Does it have at least one bar? No? Does even fucking try and call me until you can find a spot that has a decent reception. If that means driving away from me for 30 minutes, all the better for me really.
Mr. Calling from a pub
[sounds of drunken people screaming] 'Can you hear me?'
Jesus Christ on a fucking pogo stick. You can barely hear yourself, what the fuck leads you to conclude that I can hear you. Take a small brain cell and a minute of your time to step outside or something. I can sort of pick out the guy standing near you who is screaming 'BEER!' at the top of his lungs, but I can't hear you ... fuckwit!
Mr. Distracted by Something Else
'Hi. Umm.... Is this... uh... caughtatwork?'
Take your eyes off that chicks tits, pull the car over, finishing ordering your lunch, put that fucking money in the fucking parking meter. Just do whatever the fuck it is you're thinking of doing while you are wasting my life not thinking about talking to me. Jesus Crow. Free up some mental bandwidth and talk to me intelligently, OK? It really pisses me off when I have to wait for you to think about the next syllable that's supposed to come out of your mouth. Wanker.
Mr. Milking His Last 15 Seconds of Battery Power
'Hi. Look, I'm running low on battery power. I could drop out at any second. I'm not being rude so don't be offended if we get cut off. I'm not hanging up on you OK. I wouldn't even try to call if it wasn't important, 'mkay. The 1 o'clock meeting has been moved to ...
Mr. Talking While In The Drive-through
Look, dude. You pulled up to the speaker. I greeted you. I even told you about the special. Now it's been established that we are having a conversation, you and I. In order to play the conversation game, we take it in turns and now it's your go, the part where you tell me what you want. I'm standing here all eager beaver to serve you just right so you'll keep on coming back and I'm mortally wounded when I find that the conversation between you and I that I was eagerly waiting for, has been usurped by a conversation you are having with someone else. I feel like I just found out that my new lover is a lesbian. Kinda let down if you know what I mean. C'mon, make enough of a commitment to me to say 'A number 3 with Coke.'
The Geriatric: I may need this for emergencies user
A.K.A. Are you there mum?
In this period of our evolution, it seems that everyone from the baby to the grandmother is destined to have a phone. That's OK. I'm cool with the oldies getting in on the act. I applaud their attitude to keep up with the real world. But ... learn how to use the fucking thing. Maybe not all the fucking widgets and gadgets and the latest ring tones. Maybe just two things. ANSWER and HANG-UP. Yes, that's right. The phone tells you which button to push when it rings and you still get it wrong. And when you want to end the call, press the same damn button. Jeez Louise. The last time you called I was left hanging on the line because you thought you'd hung up and put the phone in your handbag and I was left listening to the purse and the car keys having a quite handbag conversations. This is my money you know. Stop jerking me around and learn how the freaking thing works, you stilly old moo.