Hello, you've reached the Smith residence.
To leave a message for Peter, press 1 now.
To leave a message for Kris, press 2 now.
To leave a message for any of the children, Jessica or Gabrielle, press 3 now.
To hear this recording again, hang up and call back.
Hi, this is Peter. Who's this? (long pause)
You have reached the number you dialed
Hi, Geoff. We knew it was you so we didn't answer the phone. You can leave a message, but don't expect a call back! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Sorry, but we can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message after the beep, but please keep it short. I'm blonde you know.
Hi, we're probably in, but we're trying to duck a call from someone. Leave your name, and if we don't get back to you, it was you!
Rejoice! For you have not reached an incorrect number! This number is always correct. It is probably YOU who are incorrect. However, if you think that you are correct, leave a message.
The number you have called has been changed. The new number of the beast is six ... six ... seven.
Ha-lo. We vill get to your call az zoon as ve finish our zigerettes und jagermeister break. Until zhen, zit up ztraight, ach du liebe, mein Gott!
Hi, its election day, just remember that if you hurry, you can vote in at least three states!
(Igor/hunchback assistant voice):
Ahhh, the master is busy in the torture chamber right now, but if you'll leave your message at the scream, he'll get back to you as soon as is inhumanly possible!
(Master's voice, from distance):
Igor! Are you playing with that answering machine again?!!
(crack of whip sounds, followed by bloodcurdling scream...)
I am not currently available right now. However, if you would like to be transferred to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality:
-If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
-If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
-If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, and 5.
-If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
-If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.
Beep Beep BEEP... We're sorry your called did not go through please check the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.