A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.'
A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again. Skirt's still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more.
She still can't get on and lowers the zipper a third time. Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus.
She spins around and says very indignantly, 'Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to do that!!'
The man responds, 'Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!'
While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage.
The housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington.
After nearly two days of looking no-stop, she came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute.
The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and she took the bird back to the White House.
The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, 'Too young.'
A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, 'Too old.'
Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, 'HI, BILL!'
A man and a woman were seated next to each other on the New York to Los Angelos flight. When they were over Chicago the man let out a sneeze, then reached under his belt and into his pants with a handkerchief. The woman pretended not to notice, being polite, thinking that he perhaps had an incontinence problem.
A few minutes later, this was followed by a second sneeze. The man once again reached down into his pants with a handkerchief. The woman began to squirm uncomfortably in her seat.
Then, this was followed by an even more powerful third sneeze. This time, the man unfastened his belt so he could more effectively clean off the areas below.
The woman was aghast, couldn't take it anymore, and finally blurted, 'Just what is going on with you !!!!'.
The man responded, 'I have a very rare condition causing me to experience an orgasm each and every time I sneeze.'
'Oh', she replied. 'But could you please trying being a little more discreet.'
She then asked, 'What can you take for this type of rare condition?'.
He responded, 'Pepper'.
A husband and wife were getting all snugly in bed. The passion was heating up. But all of the sudden, the wife stopped, go up and said 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
The husband said 'WHAT??'
The wife explained that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs. The husband realized that nothing was going to happen so he and he decided that he might as well just deal with it.
The next day the husband said 'Let's go Christmas Shopping together.' So they went to the most expensive department store in town The husband watched as his wife tried on three very expensive outfits. And then he told his wife. Lets take all three of them.
Then they went over and picked out matching shoes costing $200 a pair. Afterwards, they went to the jewelry department and picked out a set of diamond earrings.
The wife became very excited (she thought her husband has flipped out, but she wasn't stopping him). She then went for the tennis bracelet. The husband commented 'but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife was jumping up and down so excited that she could not believe what even was going on. Her previously miserly husband was suddenly transformed into a spendthrift.
She said 'I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.'
The husband says, ' no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.'
The wife's face went blank: she was utterly confused.
'No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.' Her face became really red and she was about to explode when her husband said, 'You must not be in tune with my financial needs.'
On this, like all other holiday seasons, we see the salvation army outside on street corners doing wonderful things by collecting both funds and used clothing and furniture to help those less fortunate. Here is one version of how it all began.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: 'Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn-out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
'Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'
'So, here we are!'
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. 'I've got some good news and some bad news', The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said,
'Well, give me the good news first.'
Smiling, The Lord explained, 'I've got two new organs for you, One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.'
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, 'These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?'
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, 'The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.'
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished: naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!'
One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear 'Do you have a dentist appointment, too?'
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, 'I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain.'
Gingrich responds, 'I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart.'
Clinton speaks up, 'Where's Dorothy?'
An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.
'So they're trying to replace me, ' thinks the old rooster, 'I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you are the new stud in town?, I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don't you ? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house. We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
'You're on, ' said the young rooster, 'and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap, I'll still win easy.'
So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. after the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the young roosters chasing after the old rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself...'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. 'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
'Merlin, you are a genius!' said the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.' After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis.
'Sir Galahadhis, ' exclaimed King Arthur, 'The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents -- come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were so religious.'
The boy turns and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist...'
A pretty woman is driving down a Greymouth country road in New Zealand in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, 'Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
'Well,' drawls the Greymouth farmer, 'you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke. She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
'Okay,' she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, 'Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?'
They say, 'Huh?'
She explains what she wants to do, then says, 'The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Two months later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, chewing some hay. Jed says, 'Luke?'
Luke says, 'Yeah., Jed?'
Jed says, 'You remember that woman who came by here, oh, about two months ago, the one who showed us the ways of the world?'
'Yeah,' says Luke, 'I remember.' 'Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?' asks Jed.
'Nope,' says Luke, 'I reckon not.'
'Me, neither,' says Jed, 'Let's take these things off.'
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, 'This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools: your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you.'
'But wait,' he said. 'If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!'
'Really? Great! Show me!'
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms: finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
'Well,' said the interviewer, 'that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!'
'Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!'
'Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?'
'Oh, that,' he sighed. 'Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?'
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, soon that pig started looking better and better to the guy, so he leaned toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle breeze: perfect for a night of romance. The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned toward the girl and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
A little girl is in line to see Santa.
When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?'
The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.'
Santa looks at the little girl a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie comes with Ken.'
'No,' says the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'
Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night. They finally find a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it only has one large bed, and this is the last room in the place. They decide, `what the heck, it`s only one night` and share the bed.
The next morning they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed says, 'I had the strangest dream. I thought some guy was jerking me off.' The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. 'I had the same dream, too!'
The guy who slept in the middle says, 'Well, I didn`t have that dream. In my dream I thought I was skiing.'
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, 'I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one.'
The man thought for a while and finally said, 'I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, 'No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask.'
The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, 'There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick.'
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, 'So, do you want two lanes or four?'
Two Irish men, a Protestant and a catholic are sitting in a pub talking about birth control. The Protestant says to the catholic, 'My religion allows me to use a condom when I make love to my wife but your religion does not. Yet I've got 14 children and you have only got 2. How can this be?'
The catholic replies,' It's quite simple, I use the safe period when I make love.'
'And when is that ?' asks the Protestant.
'When you're at work.' replies the catholic.
A father and his son were grocery shopping when they came across a great display of condoms. The son asks, 'Dad, what's the three pack for?'
Father replies, 'That's for when you're in high school two for Friday night - one for Saturday night.'
The son asks, 'What's the six pack for?' Father replies, 'That's for when you're in college two for Friday night - two for Saturday night - two for Sunday morning.'
Then the son asks, 'What's the 12 pack for?' 'That's for when you're married ...one for January....one for February....one for March.......
A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man whose head was between her breasts. The husband demanded, 'What on earth are you doing?'
The stranger stammered, 'I'm listening to music!'
The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, 'Let me listen.'
He also between her breasts. He exclaimed suspiciously, 'I can't hear any damn music.'
'Of course not,' quipped the stranger, 'You're not plugged in!'
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, 'Mom, I have something to tell you I'm gay.'
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, 'You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?'
The guy said nervously, 'Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so.' His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, 'Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
'I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.' He reluctantly paid her and then went about getting his money's worth.
After they had sex the boy sat there, lit up a cigarette and just gazed out the window. The girl grew impatient and snapped, 'Well we're finished so lets go back to town !!, lets get out of here!!!'
Calmly the boy responded, 'Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.'
A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lampwashed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin and themagic lamp he rubbed it........... POOF!
A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. 'Vey!' he said. 'Am I glad to beoutta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul!
What can I do for you my boy?'
The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. 'Wishes, Schmishes!Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta thinkabout my margins'
'Well,' said the Jamaican after some consideration 'I'd like to be whiteand surrounded by women.'
'No problem' said the Genie,...... POOF! - the Jamaican was transformedinto a tampon.
Moral Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always astring attached.
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, 'Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.'
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her board and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Five weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked.
'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get to go to Europe and he's screwing me.'
'He sure is, lady,' said the Captain. 'This is the Staten Island Ferry.'
If I had a Rooster and you had a Donkey and then your Donkey bit off and ate my Rosters legs what would you have?
Two feet of my Cock in your ass.
There is this ship that goes out to sea and crashes. Six people, 1 woman and 5 men, survive and use a safety raft to float to a deserted island. After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely, sexually-deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement. Each man will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it.
This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week. A few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!!!!
The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, the fifth week it is just awful, it's getting so bad, soooooo...on the sixth week...they bury her
The Madame opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked 'needy'. ' Can I help you?' the Madame asked. 'I want Natalie,' the old man replied. 'Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies: perhaps someone else...'
'No, I want Natalie.'
Just then, Natalie appeared, and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per hour. The man never blinked, reached into his pocket, and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night, he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, and that there were no discounts, it was still $1,000 for one hour. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and he left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man. 'No one has ever used my services three nights in a row, where are you from?'
The old man replied, 'I am from Minsk.'
'Really,' replied Natalie. 'I have a sister who lives there.'
'I know,' said the old man. 'She gave me $3,000 to give to you.'
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'
This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls for stud.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off. A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year. The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments 'See! That was more than 5 times a month!'
The second bull is to be sold. Another fine specimen. This wonder reproduced 120 times last year. Again the wife bugs her husband. 'Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!'
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison...
The third bull is up for sale. And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year! The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells 'That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!'
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, 'Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!'
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
'So, did you jump?' the father asked.
'Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!'
'Is that when you jumped?' asked the father.
'Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.'
'Did you jump then?' asked the father.
'I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.'
'So, did you jump?'
'Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'
I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!'
He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'
'So, did you jump?' asked the father.
'Well, a little, at first.'
A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, 'You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar.'
So the cucumber says, 'Yeah, you think that is bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad.'
Just then the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, 'You think that your life is tough?! Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, smelly room, and make me do push ups until I throw up!'
A businessman is going on a long trip and he has to take his secretary, who's really got the hots for him. The first night on the train, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk.
She says, 'Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!'
He says, 'Miss Jones, how'd you like to pretend you're Mrs. Forsythe for a little while?'
She says, 'Oh, I'd like that.'
He says, 'Then get your own f...ing blanket.'
A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating! She asks, 'What the hell are you perverts doing?', to which one of the men replied, 'We all berry hungry'! She responds, 'But why are you whacking off?' One of the three says, 'Because menu say `first come, first served!'
A newly wed couple move into a new house and on their first night the husband says to his wife can we have sex. Now this house has paper thin walls and the bride being a bit shy in respect of sex says shuss, the neighbours will hear what we're up to. If we want to have sex we will have to speak in code, so we will say `the washing machine doors are open' when we want to, you know.
Later that week the husband comes home drunk, falls on the bed and says to his wife 'Is the washing machine door open' and his wife replies 'NO it is firmly shut!', so he turns over and goes to sleep. Later on in the night the Wife wakes up feeling frisky and nudges her husband and says dear, I think I did leave the washing machine door open, would you like to do some washing? The husband turns round and says 'no, I only had a small load so I've done it by hand'.
'Paddy,' asked the barmaid, 'what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?' 'Ah,' said Paddy. 'They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!'
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, 'Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!' she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
'What are you doing lying on the bed naked?' he asked.
'Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you.' she replied with a knowing smile.
'Great,' he said, 'I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes.'
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
'Who the devil are you!' the husband demanded.
'I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,' the lover replied.
'But..but you've got no clothes on?' stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, 'The little bastards!'
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. The time was shortly before midnight. He drove past a car and saw a couple inside, with the internal light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young woman in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, 'Yes Officer?'
'What are you doing?' the policeman asked.
'What does it look like?', answered the young man, 'I'm reading this magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the officer then asked, 'And what is she doing?' The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, 'What does it look like? She's knitting.'
'And how old are you?' the officer then asked the young man.
'I'm nineteen,' he replied.
'And how old is she?' asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, 'Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen.'
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, 'I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.'
Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.'
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, 'How much?'
She says, 'A hundred dollars.'
He says 'Shit. All I've got is thirty.'
She says, 'Hold on.' She runs back to Harry and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?'
Harry says, 'A handjob'.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a huge cock. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.'
She runs back around the corner and says, 'Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?'
Two little boys were at school and heard the word penis while they were playing on the school yard. One asked the other if he knew what a penis was. The kid said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home.
That evening, the little boy asked his dad, 'Dad, what's a penis?' His dad said, 'Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show you'. So they go into the bathroom and his dad lowers his pants and proudly says, 'Son, that's a penis'. 'Not only is it a penis, but it's a perfect penis'.
The next day at school the little boy finds his friend and they go to the bathroom together. The boy lowers his pants and says,'See that? That's a penis'. 'Not only is it a penis, but if it were two inches shorter, it would be a perfect penis'.
A man comes home from work to find his wife in the bedroom, packing her suitcase. 'What the hell are you doing?' he asks 'I'm leaving you for a better life.' she replies 'Where are you going?' he asks 'I'm going to Las Vegas,' she answers 'I hear they pay $400 for a blowjob there.' The man thinks for a minute, then gets his suitcase, and starts packing. 'What the hell are you doing?' his wife asks 'I'm going to Las Vegas, too' he answers 'I want to see how you live on $800 a year!'
Miss Annabell has just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern bell friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.
'You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City,' says Miss Annabell. 'They have men there who kiss other men on the lips.'
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, 'Oh my! Oh my!'
'They call them homosexuals,' proclaims Miss Annabell.
'Oh my! Oh my,' proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
'They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!'
'Oh my! Oh my,' exclaim the girls. 'What do they call them?' they asked.
'They call them lesbians,' says Miss Annabell.
'They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City,' sighs Miss Annabell.
'Oh my! Oh my! Oh my,' exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. 'What do they call them?' they ask in unison.
Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, 'Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!'
David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.
Nobody puts their hand up except one man. David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick. The man says 'For this trick David I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer and I will also need a table.'
He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her knickers and takes her from behind. David Copperfield is horrified and says 'That's not a trick!!', to which the man replies, 'I know, but it's fucking magic.'
Bob rents an apartment, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Bob smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bob breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, 'Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming...'
He follows her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
The flustered, embarrassed Bob stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, 'Oh, it's got to be your ears!'
She's astounded! 'Why my ears? Look at these tits! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!'
Clearing his throat once again, Bob stammers - 'Outside when you said you heard someone coming - That was me!!!'
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, 'Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.'
'Yeah,' she replied, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said, 'We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered, 'What do you say...should we?'
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, 'That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied 'From the smell of his fingers,... our son-in-law!'
A grubby old man asks a woman if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars. She thinks it over for a moment, and then replies that she would sleep with a man for a million dollars.
He offers her $50 to sleep with him.
'What kind of person do you think I am?' And slaps him in the face.
'We know what kind of person you are. We're just haggling over price.'
One dismal rainy night in Sydney, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
'Where to?' he stammered.
'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.
'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at driver?'
'Well madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does this answer your question?'
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, 'Reebok'. She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, 'When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.' A bit later, his pants are off and she sees 'Puma' tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word 'AIDS' tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock..
'I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!'
He says, 'It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say 'ADIDAS'.
A man was out driving down the highway when he saw this guy, naked, hobbling by the side of the road. He had his left hand tied to his left ankle and the same with his right side.
He pulled over, got out and said,
'Shit man, what the hell happened to you?'
'Well' , said the guy, ' I was in this bar and I met these two hot babes. I got talking, started getting friendly, and asked them if they wanted to go for a drive?. Well we got outa town, pulled over down by the river, and got out. These girls just start taking all their clothes off, so I did too and then they started doing all the good things. I was getting really into it when, Wham, I got hit on the head with a bottle.'
'When I came to, my clothes were gone, my car was gone, my money was gone and I was hog-tied up like this.'
'Gee sweetie', said the man as he unzipped his jeans, 'this just ain't your lucky day'
Little ten-year-old Freddie goes for a long week-end with his uncle, a wealthy Hampshire farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, 'Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!'
Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. 'You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow' - not some filth picked up in the playground,' he says.
A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. 'Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!' The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, 'Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know...'.
'Yes he can!' replies his obstinate nephew, 'He's fucking the horse!'
The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a day early and would be home on Wednesday. When he walked into his apartment, however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious, he picked up his bag and stormed out: he met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what had happened and announced that he was filing suit for divorce in the morning.
'Give my daughter a chance to explain before you do anything,' the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed.
An hour later, his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club. 'I knew my daughter would have an explanation,' she said, a note of triumph in her voice. 'She didn't receive your telegram !'
A very nice, innocent American woman of 20 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with a woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and has no experience with women. She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other. So, they end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked...and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. 'What happened?' she asks. 'I've never been with a woman' he says, 'but if it's anything like fucking a kangaroo...I'm gonna need all the room I can get!'
A lady went into a tattoo parlor to get a Santa Claus tattoo put on her left inner thigh.
The guy who was going to tattoo the Santa Claus on her thigh noticed an Indian on the woman's right inner thigh and asked what was up with the indian and Santa Claus?
The woman replied that her husband always complained that there was nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
There was a koala bear who was approached by a prostitute one day. He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, Koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time...
The next morning, he went down on her one last time before departing. After he's done, Koala headed for the door and was about to leave when the prostitute yelled, 'hey...what about my money?'
Confused, the koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders, and replied 'Huh?'
'Come here...' she said and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word 'prostitute' and its definition: 'has sex and gets paid.'
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word koala and showed her its definition: 'eats bush and leaves.' * PS. : Koala's 'aint BEARS. : They're Marsupials !!
Two older, white, homosexual gentlemen had been a couple for years, and were getting quite bored with their lives. They were looking at little knickknacks at a garage sale when one of them (Scott) stumbled upon what appeared to be a rare find.
'Look Jim, I just found the most fabulous...pot, or, I don't know what! It is filthy, but I bet it would be flawless in our living room!'
Jim agreed, and they purchased the object. Apparently, the holder of the sale had no idea just how valuable a thing he had on his hands, because he sold it for $10.
Later that night, Scott decides he wants to dust off this old thing. To his surprise, what he thought was an old piece of pottery was in fact made of what appeared to be gold!
'Honey, come here!' he yelled.
Jim came running, and Scott continued to polish, until POOF!- A huge creature appears in their living room! Both men screamed.
'Do not be frightened!' The creature says.
'I am the genie of the lamp, and you have freed me from 1000 years imprisonment by an evil sorceress. I will grant the two of you a total of three wishes as thanks!'
The two take some time to gather themselves. They stare blankly at the genie, at each other, and at the lamp for a few minutes. Finally, Jim says: 'Do we have to give all three now?'
'No,' the genie replies. 'You have three days in which to ask for your wishes.' With that, the genie vanished.
The next day, the couple decided that they would each get one wish, and would pick the third one together. They decided first to ask for wealth. When they woke up the next day, Scott found out that he had won $100 million in the lottery, and Jim discovered that he was a distant cousin of the Sultan of Brunei. The Sultan had just died, and left Jim $500 million.
That same day for his wish Scott asked for beauty. When they awoke the next morning (in their fabulous new Belvadere Mansion), they were both stunning. Jim was a full 6 inches taller, looked twenty-five again, but was more beautiful than he had ever been at that or any age. Scott lost all his blemishes, 50 pounds, and looked like a cross between his old self and a model.
Finally, it was Jim's turn. Around midnight on the third day, Scott asked Jim what he was going to wish. But Jim had ALWAYS been finicky. It once took him five hours to decide whether to buy a pillow case in grape or aubergine.
'Hurry and think of something before its too late!' Scott said. Jim decided he needed time to think, so he went off to the veranda to ponder this important decision.
Just at that moment, Scott heard a loud banging at the door. 'Who is it?' he says. 'Open up boy! We gone kill you!!', a southern-accented voice replies. Scott looks through the window and sees men in white hoods on horses, burning crosses on his lawn...
'Honey! Honey! COME QUICK!!!! The KKK is outside our door!' Jim runs over.
'What in the world are THEY doing in Marin County-I thought this place was liberal-well, I'll call the police!' Jim says. But the phones are DEAD! The Klansmen had cut the lines!
'HONEY! WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY! USE YOU LAST WISH TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY!' Scott screams.
'I can't' he replies, as he slumps to the floor, and the Klansmen begin knocking down the door.
Jim paused and replied, 'Because I ALREADY wished that we could be hung like black men.'
A bus carrying 50 Christian Brothers went over a cliff, and alas, they were all killed.
At the pearly gates St Peter checked the register. 'OK, hands up all those who have interfered with little boys'
49 hands go up with embarrassed expressions.
'Right!' says St Peter, 'You can all go to Hell for an eternity of fire and brimstone, and you can take the deaf one with you as well'!
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, 'Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want.'
The Russian begins thinking, 'Well, I really like drinking vodka.' Finally the Russian says, 'I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me pee vodka.' The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass is clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, 'Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!'
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, 'Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.'
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, But Boris, why do we need only one glass?'
Boris raises the glass and says, 'Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.'
A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was among the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up.
The girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Not willing to let her know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that some people were passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.
Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes.
When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and asked, 'You are so old, how do you do it?'
'Oh, it's easy. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry.'
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend when all of a sudden the telephone rings and she answers. After hanging up she says, 'That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.'
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, 'Have you ever been a salesman before?' 'Yes, I was a salesman in the country' said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, 'You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, 'How many sales did you make today?'.
'One' said the young salesman.
'Only one' blurted the boss, 'Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day . How much was the sale worth?'
'Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars ' said the young man.
'How did you manage that?' asked the flabbergasted boss.
'Well' said the salesman 'this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would
probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said
his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.'
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment 'You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook.
'No' answered the salesman 'He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'You're weekend's fucked, you may as well go fishing.'
A young woman was walking along the street when she saw a ladder with a sign on it saying CLIMB THE LADDER TO SUCCESS. Intrigued by this, she climbed the ladder only to find a naked man on a flat roof. 'Who are you?' she asked. 'I'm Cess'.
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring 'run... run!'
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: 'R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!'
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams 'r-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya.'
The next batter held his swing at three and two, and as the ump calls a walk, the Scotsman stands up yelling 'r-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run. '
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, 'He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.'
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, 'Walk with pr-r-ride man, walk with pr-r-ride!'
Two ten-year-olds are talking about their parents, when one realised he knew very little about his mother. At home that night, he asked his mother, 'How old are you?' 'That's none of your business,' the mother replied. 'OK,' said her son, 'How much do you weigh?' 'That's none of your business either young, man?' 'OK,' said the youth, 'why'd daddy divorce you?' The mother immediately sent him up to his room, without having supper. The next day he told his friend that his mother wouldn't answer any of his questions. The friend replied, 'Look on her drivers license. You'll find all the answers there.' When the mother came home and found him next to her purse, with her drivers license in his hands, she asks, 'Just what the hell do you think you're doing?' 'Well,' he replied, 'You wouldn't answer my question, so I'm getting all my answers here: You're forty years old, you weigh 145 pounds and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex.'
There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says 'Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?'
He says 'No, why? You got someone lined up for me?'
'You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?'
'Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!'
'Well, are you taking somebody else out?'
'You know I don't have a date, Sis.'
'And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?'
Her brother nods. She continues, 'So we should go with each other.'
The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her to the prom.
Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday. At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
'Hey, brother, let's dance.'
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. 'Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?'
'Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?'
'Oh . . . all right.'
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.
In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, 'Let's not go straight home.'
He gives her a curious look and says, 'What are we going to do instead?'
'Oh, I don't know. Just drive around.'
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says 'Want to find some place to park?'
'Hell,' he says, 'are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!'
'Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us-- how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?'
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.
'Hey . . . ' she says.
'Why don't you kiss me?'
'You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!' And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. 'I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?' She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, 'Come on. Let's do it.'
'Do what,' said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.
'You know what,' his sister replied.
'I can't do that with you, you're my . . . ' His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, 'You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad.'
'I know,' said her brother. 'Mom told me.'
A coupled married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence along the road. The woman said, 'Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.'
The man stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.
Back in the car the man said, 'Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!'
And the wife responded, 'Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!'
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, 'Stop! Stop! You're not going to.. To.. Cut it off, are you???!?'
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, 'Nope. You are. *I'm* going to set the garage on fire.'
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), 'If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!' So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, 'How much for a ride to the airport,' he asked? 'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply.
'And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?' 'What?! Get the hell out of my cab.'
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked 'How much for a ride to the airport?' The cabbie replied 'fifteen bucks.' The businessman said 'OK' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
A virgin white girl gets married to a black guy and she's rather nervous about the wedding night as she's heard that black men are better endowed than white men. She explains this to her husband who tells her he knows how to get round the situation which is to show her his dick, bit by bit. The wife lies in bed and sees three inches of dick come round the door. 'Are you nervous yet?' says her husband. 'No, I'm OK' she replies. Another six inches of dick comes around the door and he says 'Are you still OK?' 'Yes' she replies. A further foot comes around the door and she says 'I'm still not nervous'. 'OK,' her husband replies, 'I'm coming up the stairs'
Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day just talking about the business. The youngest one complained, 'You know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I don't think I can stay in business at those prices.'
Her Mom thinks for a while and says, 'Well dear, in my day we would give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to get that!'
Grandma looks at her daughter and her granddaughter and says, 'The both of you don't know what tough times really are. Back during the depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!'
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
'Excuse me', our man stammered, 'but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.'
'Yeah, so?' his hulking neighbor replied.
'Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.'
The burly gorilla is about to smash our guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
'OK,' the husband says gruffly, 'for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits.'
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, pausing to happily admire each perfectly shaped breast, and then proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. 'Well, come on already, kiss 'em!' he growls.
'I can't' replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away and rubbing his face between them.
'Why not?' demands the husband, starting to get really angry.
'I don't have ten thousand dollars.'
We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news:
The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions.
Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, 'First, you must wear a diaphragm.' Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, 'You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm.' The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm.
'Well, what's the second condition?' Cinderella asked.
The fairy godmother replies, 'You must be back home by 2:00 AM. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2AM, then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin and reminds her that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2AM...
At 2AM, Cinderella doesn't show up...3AM, no Cinderella...4AM, no Cinderella...finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face.
The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, 'Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!'
Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies, 'I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other....'
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed.
The Italian says - 'When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy'
The Frenchman replies - 'Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy'.
The Aussie says - 'That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin my Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my cock clean on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof !!!'
Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's.
He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby.
She said that she loved him and size didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.
'Don't worry honey' he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.
As he took his pants off the new bride said 'Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby' 'It is' he said '9 pounds and 21 inches long'
Some Gangsters thought of robbing a bank. They drew the best plan that can be made and start to work. A day or two later they were able to get into the bank. Inside were hundreds of safes.
They opened the first safe and the only thing in it was a vanilla pudding. The Head Gangster says ' OK! At least we can eat it.' So they ate the pudding.
They opened up the second Safe and there stays another pudding. So they devoured it too. This process went on for the rest of the day until all the safes were opened. There were no money nor jewellery. 'Well,' they said, 'at least there is something for us to eat'.
Next day, on the news: 'Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people'
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs: she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
'Excuse me, miss,' said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. 'The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.'
'What difference does it make,' Joan asked rather calmly. 'No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.'
'Not exactly,' said the embarrassed little man. 'You're lying on the dining room skylight.'
A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps into a woman and his elbow knocks her breast. They are both startled and he says to her,
'Ma'am, If your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me. '
She replies, 'If your cock is as hard as your elbow, I'm in Room 826'.
A physically large guys meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says, 'See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!' She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, and strikes a muscle builder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, 'See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!' She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, 'Why are you in such a hurry to leave?'
She replies, 'With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!'
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, 'You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.'
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. 'Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?'
The second friend says, 'I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.'
'Wow,' the first guy says, 'did you get a blow job?'
'No,' says the second friend. 'I couldn't find her head.'
The couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, 'Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?'
He replied, 'I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your tits dry.'
'And what are you thinking now, baby?' She asked huskily.
He said, 'I'm thinking I did a pretty good job.'
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry!' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you to,' she whispered. 'Just pretend you 're a statue.'
'What's this, honey?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh, its just a statue,' she replied nonchalantly. 'The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.'
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
'Here,' he said to the 'statue', 'eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.'
Little Bobby runs from his bedroom one day, finds his mother and asks her, 'Mum, is there such a thing as a Mummy Long-Legs?'. His mum replies 'No, Bobby, I don't think there is such a thing. Why do you want to know?' 'Just wondering'. Not entirely convinced, however, Bobby runs outside to find his father. 'Dad, is there such a thing as a Mummy Long-Legs?'. 'No, Son, I don't believe there is.' 'Thanks Dad.' Bobby immediately ran back to his room where he'd found two spiders apparently copulating, and viciously stamped on them, yelling 'Bloody Poofters!'
Mother and little boy walking through the park come across a couple of dogs going for it. Little boy turns to mother and says 'Mummy ... what are those two dogs doing?'.
Mother, after some thought, replies 'The doggy behind has sore front paws, and his friend is kindly helping him get home.'.
'Typical' replies the child 'do someone a favour and you get screwed...'
Conducting a study of sexual behaviour a researcher asked an airline pilot when he last had sex. 'Nineteen fifty nine' came the reply. Having heard that pilots were rather a bit more promiscuous than that the interviewer asked 'That's seems like an awfully long time ago'. The pilot responded. 'Well I suppose so, but it's only twenty fifteen now'.
Jill was sitting around with her mum, waiting for a bus, on a particularly cold day. When Jill started to complain her mother told her, the way to get warm and to be very lady like is to put your hands between your legs so that they can warm up. Jill tried this, and was amazed at how well it did warm her hands.
A month later Jill and her boyfriend, Paul, were parking at Lovers Leap, when Jill started to feel the cold. Again, very lady like, she placed her hands together and put them between her legs. Quite bewildered her boyfriend asked what she was doing, So Jill explained how it warms your hands...
Fifteen minutes later Paul starts rubbing his hands together and complaining about the cold... Jill gently takes his hands and very lady like places them between her legs. Ten minutes later Paul starts rubbing his nose saying how cold it felt. After a short time Paul complains how his penis is so cold it has gone stiff.
The next morning Jill's mother asks how she copped with the cold night. To which she replied, 'Fine, however those penises sure do make a mess when they thaw out..
Two men were sitting in a coffee shop when the towns fire alarm went off. One jumped up and headed for the door. His friend shouted, 'Roger, I didn't know you were a fireman'
'I'm not,' he replied, 'but my girlfriend's husband is.'
A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The 'party' is escorted to a table and given a menu. When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster.
One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples.
When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.
The sheik explains: 'I was in the desert one day and found a lamp. It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it. Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beatiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock.'
Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Neil. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4', dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, 'Bob, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!' And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, 'Dave, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!' And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.
Neil, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Neil jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
'Cindy, you have sinned ........'
A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.
The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says 'Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin.'
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house.
When he gets there his father says 'Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon.'
The son says 'Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin.'
The father says, 'Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours.'
Two Aliens land in good old Melbourne town, and they happen to land next to a petrol station. So, the Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the petrol pump. The two Aliens approach and the first one says 'Earthling take me to your leader!'
Of course he gets no response.
The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. 'Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!' Of course, still no response... The first Alien then turns to the second and says 'If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me I'm going to blast him!' At that the second Alien replies 'O.K., I'm just going to stand down on the next block.'
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. 'Earthling take me to your leader!' So the Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump... the petrol station goes up in a huge explosion that blows the Alien down the block to his buddy. He gets up dusts himself off and turns to the second Alien 'If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!'
The second replies ' I didn't know what was going to happen... but I'm not going to mess with anyone who's dick can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still hang it in his ear!'
The aircraft was on its final approach and the Captain had announced landing time. However he had left the PA system on,and the next statement had surprised the passengers. 'As soon as I clock off I'm going to have a nice cool beer and then screw the arse off that nice red - headed hostess.' The hostess was shocked and began a hurried dash to th flight deck but tripped over a suitcase. A little old lady leant down and said to the hostess,'No need to hurry dear,he said he was going to have a beer first.'
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.'
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, 'What is your occupation?'
The woman replies, 'I'm a whore.'
The accountant balks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.'
The woman, 'Ok, I'm a prostitute.'
'No, that is still too crude. Try again.'
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, 'I'm a chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?'
'Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.'
President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground.
He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words 'President Clinton sucks' written in pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.
The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. 'OK,' says Clinton, 'give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.'
The Chief says: 'The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is.'
Clinton nods and the Chief continues: 'The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore.'
This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.
The Chief of Security swallows and says, 'It's in Hilary's hand writing'.
Jessie had always been a lively lady and when she was finally retired to the Nursing Home she refused to lead a boring life. She was determined to liven up the place. So she put a large sign on her door: SEX!
And the small print said: $20 in bed, $5 on the floor.
Nothing happened for the first few nights, but on the Friday there was a timid knock and she opened the door to find Jock standing there. He handed her a $20 note. 'Hang on,' she said 'I'll get the bed ready.'
'To hell with the bed,' said Jock, 'I'm here for four on the floor.'
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, 'Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?'
'Well,' replies the other, 'I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' '
'Good choice,' says the first, 'her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.'
This guy moved to the country and bought a farm. Deciding he would start with just a few animals, he walked to market.
He first went to a stall which had hens for sale. He asked the merchant 'How much for a hen ?'. The merchant quoted him a price and told him 'Around here we call them pullets'.
Next the man went to a stall which had several roosters for sale. He asked the merchant 'How much for a rooster ?'. The merchant quoted him a price and told him 'We call them cocks here' and sold him one.
The man walks around for a while, carrying his new purchases under his arms. He soon becomes tired and dreads the long walk home.
Spotting a stall with a donkey, he approaches the merchant and asks 'How much for the donkey ?'. The merchant quotes him a price and tells him, 'Before I sell you this animal, I need to tell you a few things. First, around here we call this animal an ass. Also, this particular ass is very stubborn. He may go along for a while, then stop. The only way you can get him going again is to scratch him between his ears'. The man does not see a problem with this and purchases the animal.
He gets on the ass, the merchant hands the man his previous purchases, and the man heads for home. Sure enough, the man gets about half way home and the ass stops. The man doesn't know what to do, he cannot scratch the animal without letting go of one of his other animals!
Luckily he is approached by a young woman traveling the same way. Wanting to make sure he makes a good impression, he is very careful to use the local language and asks her 'Could you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass ?'.
A husband came home early from work unexpectedly one day, only to find his wife in bed with another man. 'What are you doing??!!' he screamed. 'See,' said his wife, 'I told you he was stupid!'
A teacher comes into the classroom one day to find there is a small but erect penis drawn on the bottom corner of the board. She is shocked. 'SILENCE! What naughty little boy has been drawing rude things on MY board?' she asks. There is a lot of shuffling of feet, as everyone looks down intently at their desks. One or two sniggers are heard, but no-one owns up. The teacher rubs it off and decides to try ignoring it.
The next morning the teacher comes in and there is a bigger erect penis drawn right across the bottom of the board. She is even more shocked. 'SILENCE! I will punish all of you, unless the little boy,' she pauses thoughtfully, 'or little girl I suppose, that has drawn this rude picture owns up immediately.' Nobody does. She rubs it off and then goes round the class asking each one in turn if they drew it. All deny it and the teacher makes them stay in at playtime.
The next morning the teacher comes in and there is a HUGE erect penis filling the whole of the board. In the bottom corner of the board are the words:
'THE MORE YOU RUB IT, THE BIGGER IT GETS!'
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters, 'I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?'
The parrot says 'With my prick, you dummy.'
The guy is startled and says, 'You certainly talk well for a parrot.'
The parrot says, 'Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.'
The guy says, 'Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.'
The parrot says, 'There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor L20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me.'
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the Pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, 'Come in and shut the door.'
The guy says, 'What's up?'
The parrot says, 'I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.'
The guy says, 'Oh, A momentary flight of passion.'
The parrot says, 'Then he fondled her breasts.'
The guy says, 'He did?'
The parrot says, 'Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.'
The guy says, 'My God, what happened next?!?'
The parrot says, 'I don't know. I got a hard on and fell off my perch.'
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, 'I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.'
'What's wrong with that?' asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, 'You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.' He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. 'I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?'
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, 'I forgot where I live.'
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, 'Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?'
The other old lady said, 'It's a condom.'
'A condom? Where do you get those?'
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, 'What size do you want?'
The old lady thought for a minute and said, 'One that will fit a Camel!'
A young girl runs home from the bus stop crying. Her mother comforts her and asks why she is crying.
'Mummy a boy on the bus was masturbating next to me tonight.', she says.
Mummy looks at the little girl and gives a little laugh and says 'that's allright dear just ignore him. He's just showing off'. The next four nights the same scenario occurs and by the fifth night mum is getting a little pissed off and tells the little girl for the final time to just ignore it.
To this the little girl cries even louder and interjects , 'Mummy how can I ignore him. He keeps using my hand!'
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, 'This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill'.
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. 'What's so funny?' asks the clerk.
'I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house', the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, 'Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off'.
The man takes another look through the scope, and says, 'You know what? I think I can do that with one shot.!!!!!
There's this group of poofs sitting in the hot tub together, having oh such a lovely time. One notices a condom floating on the surface. He looks around his companions and complains 'Ohhhh. Who farted?'
A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo.
She says, 'Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!'
The husband says 'OK, I'll explain, but first you have to explain the kids.'
'The thrill is gone from my marriage,' one guy told another.
'Why not have an affair and add some intrigue into your life,' replied the other one.
'But what if my wife finds out?'
'Heck. These are the nineties. Go home and tell her.'
So the first guy goes home and says 'I think an affair will bring us closer together.'
'Forget it,' says the wife. 'I've tried that and it didn't work.'
A man visited a fortune teller and sat down in front of the crystal ball. 'I see you are the father of two children,' said the fortune teller.
'That's what you think,' said the man. 'I'm the father of three children.'
To which the fortune teller replied 'That's what you think.'
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbour's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
'It's really quite simple,' the old man explained. 'Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment'.
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried to take his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbour stopped by to check her progress.
'So,' he asked, 'Any luck with your tomatoes?'
'No,' she replied excitedly... 'But you should see the size of my cucumbers!'
This woman's TV goes on the blink so she calls the TV repairman. He's just finished repairing the TV for her when she hears her husband turn his key in the front door. She says to the TV repairman,
'Quick! Hide! My husband's insanely jealous!!'
Upon which the TV repairman gets inside the TV console and hides. The husband walks into the living room and settles in his favourite chair to watch the football on TV. Inside the TV console, the repairman is getting very hot, very frustrated and very cramped. Finally he can't take it any more, climbs out of the TV console, walks across the living room and walks out the front door.
The husband turns to his wife and says, 'Did you see the referee send that guy off the field?'
Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing a talking bird. However, it seems a lot of people are going to receive talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw.
It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled on a perch at her home he looked around and said: 'Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!'
Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school. Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled: 'Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!'
Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him the bird squawked: 'Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G'day Jimmy!'
Two gay lovers were busy doing it in the basement of their house. A fire starts suddenly upstairs: which guy gets out of the house the fastest, the guy on top or on the bottom?
Well, the guy on the bottom of course: he already had his shit packed...
Occurs within first two years of marriage. Involves hot, nasty, and erotic sessions. Anywhere, anytime. Lot's of dirty talk between the fornicating couple about what each other likes and wants to do with their various body parts. The happy couple just can't get enough of each other.
Occurs after 10 years of marriage. Still satisfying but takes place in the bedroom, generally under the covers with the lights off. Plenty of moans and the occasional grunt during orgasm.
Occurs late in the marriage. Man and wife pass each other in the hallway and say, 'Fuck You!'
'Good morning, class. Before we begin today's lecture, I should like to discover how well ye have been tracking the previous material. Miss MacMaster, will ye stand?' [She stands.]
'Can ye tell me, which organ of the body achieves 10 times its normal size when it is excited?'
She stammers, reddens, says nothing.
'Ye may sit down. Mr. Campbell, can ye answer that question?'
'It is the pupil of the eye, sir.'
'Vurra good. Now, Miss MacMaster, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not done your homework, two, you have a durrty mind, and three, you're in for a big disappointment.'
Two weeks ago, it was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot when I got up that morning anyway. I went into my breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me, but she didn't even say 'Good Morning.' I said, 'Well, that's a wife for you, the children will remember.' The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling very low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, Janet said, 'Good Morning, boss... Happy Birthday.' Then I felt a little better that someone remembered. I worked until noon. About noon she knocked at the door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. Let's go out to lunch - just you and me.' So I said, 'That's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go'.
We went to lunch. We didn't go to the place we usually went to. Instead we went to a little place in the country, which was more private. We had two martinis, and lunch was tremendous. We enjoyed it a lot. On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know. it's such a beautiful day. Do we have to go back to the office?' I said, 'No, I guess not'.
She said, 'let's go over to my apartment and I'll fix you another martini.' We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another martini and then she said, 'If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and change into something more comfortable.' I said, 'OK' as I didn't mind a bit.
She went into the bedroom, and in about five minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a large birthday cake, followed by my wife and children, and they were all singing 'Happy Birthday.'
And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
Mario goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.
'Hi, is Gus home?'
'No he went to the store.'
'Well, you mind if I wait?'
'Sure, come in.'
They sit down and the friend says 'You know Debby, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.'
Debby thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell, a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Mario says 'They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together.'
Debby thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Mario a nice long look.
Mario thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Gus and leaves.
A while later Gus arrives home and his wife says 'You know your weird friend Mario came over. '
Gus thinks about this for a second and says 'Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?'
Did you hear about the gay guy who got the sack from his job at the Sperm Bank? He was caught drinking on the job!
Hitler was reviewing the latest SS graduates parade.
He stopped in front of one striking SS women and after a while he asked, 'If you could sleep with anybody in the world, who would it be ??'
The SS woman graduate replied 'Hitler'
'And why is that' Hilter asked
'Because he is a very famous man and the leader of our great cause'
Satisfied Hitler moves on and stops before another female graduate and asks her the same question.
'Himmler' the graduate replied.
'And why is that' asked Hitler
'Because he is a very famous man and a leader in our noble cause'
Again satisfied with the answer, Hitler moves on and stops before another female graduate and again asks the same question.
'Winston Churchill' replied the women.
'WINSTON CHURCHILL, WINSTON CHURCHILL' spluttered Hitler 'Why Winston Churchill'
The women SS graduate replied 'Because Winston Churchill promised that it would be long, it would hard and that he would never withdraw.'
A woman accidentally swallowed one of those (now old-fashioned) Gillette Super Silver razor blades. Not only did she have to have a tonsillectomy, and appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, took two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and gave the vicar a hairlip. After all that, the blade still had 5 shaves left. Now THAT's quality!
The first male &: female astronauts landed on Mars and made scientific contact with the locals.
The Martians showed how they made little Martians, by shaping little boy &: girl Martians out of (green) plastic , putting them on a conveyor belt which went through an oven and produced little Martian children at the other end.
'How do you make humans?' asked the Martians.
The astronauts removed their clothes and gave a perfect demonstration of sexual intercourse.
When they had finished the Martians asked: 'Well, where are the babies?'
'Oh, it takes nine months,' replied the Earthlings.
'Well, why were you in such a hurry at the end then?' wondered the Martians.
A man and his wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, and the wife wanted to get him the ultimate present.
So she thought and thought, and finally hit upon his lifelong passion, bluesman BB King. Her husband loved BB King. He had BB socks, BB suits, BB hats, and even a guitar named 'Lucille'. So she decided what to get him. She would get a B tattooed on each buttock.
She then went to the tattoo parlour, and told the guy what she wanted, the B on each buttcheek. The tattoo artist thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard of, and he was inspired. He did the best work of his life, never to be equalled again.
Later that night at dinner, they exchanged gifts. The husband got her a lovely gold ring, and when it was her turn, she said 'Well, I was going to show it to you later, but I can't wait'
Then she bent over as far as she could and lifted up her skirt.
And her husband said 'It's lovely work dear, but who's BOB?'
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. (For joke purposes, let's ignore what HE might do while on his trip) So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, 'Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except...' and he stopped.
'Except what?' the man asked.
'C'mon, tell me! I need something!'
'Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'
'So what's up with this voodoo dick?' he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said 'Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!'
The old man replied, 'But you haven't seen what it'll do yet.' He pointed to a door and said 'Voodoo dick, the door.' The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said 'Voodoo dick, get back in your box!' The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
'I'll take it!' said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say 'Voodoo dick, my pussy.' He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said 'Voodoo dick, my pussy!' The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said 'Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!!!'
Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. 'Hello, sir,' she began. 'How are you today?'
'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.
'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she asked.
'First time since my wife passed away last year,' he replied.
'Do you live around here?' she asked.
'Yes,' he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted. 'Do you like pussy cats?'
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, whipped off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, 'How did you know that is what I wanted?'
The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz?'
A young man called John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome John's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his Mum's thoughts, John volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates.'
About a week later, Simon came to John saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
'Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure.', said John. So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later John received an email from his Mother which read:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: Darling, would you give me a blow job?'
Horrified, she replies 'Are you mad? My parents will see us!'
Him: 'Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?'
Her: 'No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?'
Him: 'Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!'
Her: 'No way. It's just too risky!'
Him (horny as hell); 'Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?'
Her: 'No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!'
Him: 'Oh yes you can. Please?'
Her: 'No, no. I just can't'
Him: 'I beg you ... '
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: 'Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom...'
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.
Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... 'I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis.'
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
:'You told me you penis was the size of an infant!', she said.
'Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!'
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much?'
Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'
Guy says, '$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'
'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'
Guy says, 'What the hell? I'll give it a try.'
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'
The hooker replies, '$1, 500.'
'$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that'.
The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, 'Sign me up.'
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, 'How much for some pussy?'
The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'
'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'
'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'
An American, on vacation in Ireland, is hiking in the countryside. He enters a beautiful forest and after a mile or so comes to a clearing. To his surprise, a small bearded man, dressed in green, with a pointed hat, is in the clearing, and the American blurts out, 'Wow! You must be a leprechaun.'
The man replies, 'That's right, I am.'
The American notices a huge bulge in the little man's pants, and says with envy, 'Are all leprechauns so well endowed?'
The little man smiles and says, 'Well, yes, we are'
To which the American says, 'I wish I could have one like that.'
The little man says, 'Well, as a leprechaun, I can grant wishes.'
The reply is immediate: 'Oh yeah, I want one.'
The man says, 'There is just one catch: you'll have to take mine up your ass.'
The American is repulsed and says, 'Absolutely not, I can't sell myself out like that, and anyway, that's disgusting.' But then the American remembers how his girlfriend always complained, and how embarrassing it is.
Pulling down his pants and getting on his knees he says, 'Oh, O.K., go ahead.'
As the little man pumps away, the American begin to feels incredibly guilty, and it hurts too. He looks over his shoulder and says, 'I can't believe I'm letting you do this.'
The little man smiles and says, 'I can't believe you believe in leprechauns.'
A flashy showgirl married a 97-year-old millionaire, largely in the belief that the old codger would never survive the wedding night.
While her new husband was in the bathroom, the woman slipped into a black see-through nightgown and struck her most seductive pose on the bed.
When the old man finally emerged, she was startled to see that he was stark naked except for earplugs, a peg on his nose and a condom. 'Why are you wearing those?' she asked in amazement.
'Because if there's anything I just can't stand,' he grumbled, 'it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber.'
This young lad walks out of a store and sees and elderly man sitting on a bench crying. This young lad walks over to the man to check to see if he is OK!
YM: Sir, are you O.K?
Old Man: Yes, it's my birthday today(and he is still crying)
YM: Wow, it's a special day for you.
Old Man.: Yes it is. I'm 82 today (and still crying.)
YM: Even better, you look great for your age.
Old Man: Thank you, and I just got married (and he is still crying.)
YM: Married!! Gee, that's great! 82 and married, wow! You've got a whole new life ahead of you.
Old Man: I married a 25 year old.
YM: Holly Molly!! Even better.
Old Man: We have sex every day! ( he's till crying)
YM: I don't even have sex everyday, you lucky person you.
Old Man: Yes, I am, and I've forgotten where I lived.
This guy is at a rodeo and sees a competition sign: 'Win 100 bucks if you can stay on the bronco for more than two minutes!' So, he goes over to the stand and registers.
After watching person after person fail miserably, it's his turn. He climbs onto the back of the horse, which starts bucking straightaway. After 30 seconds, he's still on the back. After a minute, he's still there. Two minutes go by, and he's still on the back. After a further ten minutes of furious, but unsuccessful, bucking, the horse collapses to the ground, exhausted. The guy casually climbs off and walks up to the stand to claim his prize.
'Geez, that's amazin',' says the competition organiser,
'How d'you do dat?' He asks.
'Easy,' Says the guy, 'My wife's an epileptic!'
A deaf couple have just got married and are working out a plan to ensure that they can communicate their desires for sex in bed at night.
So sitting down with a pen and paper, the following ensues:
If he wants it badly, then he is to pull her nipple once. If he does not want it, to pull her nipple twice.
He says to her, if she wants it badly, to pull his old feller once and if she doesn't want it, to pull it 60 times.
A husband comes home from work and the first thing he notices is how much larger his wife's breasts have become.
'Wow, where'd you get those?' She explains she bought a mirror at the Flea Market and hung it on the bathroom door. She looked into it and said, 'Mirror, mirror on the door, make my boobs size forty-four,' and WHAM, it happened!
Her husband ran into the bathroom, looked into the mirror and said, 'Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor,' and WHAM, his legs fell off!'
This is the story of an aviator - handsome, dashing, with big dark eyes, thick black swept back hair, and a bushy handle-bar moustache. A Frenchman from the days when men were men, women were pleased, and the planes were built of wood, fabric and flown on sinew.
Pierre is back from a successful mission, has wined and dined a pretty young lady and taken her back to his room. He kisses her forehead, eyelids and the tip of her nose. 'Oooo,' she thinks. Suddenly Pierre goes off, gets a bottle of red wine, sprinkles it on her lips and passionately kisses her. 'Oooo,' she says as they come up for breath. 'That's very nice - but why the red wine?'
'Aha,' he says, 'I am Pierre, the famous fighter pilot. When I 'ave red meat, I 'ave red wine!'
They continue. Clothing is gradually discarded. He kisses her chin, her neck, her cleavage. 'Oooo,' she thinks. Pierre goes and gets a bottle of white wine and sprinkles it onto her breasts and kisses them passionately. 'Oooo,' she says, 'that's very nice, but why the white wine?' 'Aha,' he says, 'I am Pierre, the famous fighter pilot. When I 'ave white meat, I 'ave white wine.'
Matters progress further. More clothing is discarded. He kisses her navel, her stomach, her mons. 'Oooo,' she thinks, 'oooo!' Pierre then goes and gets a bottle of cognac, sprinkles it liberally over the fluffy bits and sets it alight. 'AAAHHHH!' she screeches, leaping off the bed and beating out the burning bush. 'You silly fool! What did you do that for?'
'Aha,' he said, 'I am Pierre, the famous fighter pilot. When I go down.... I go down in flames!'
There was this man who died and at the funeral place they were trying to put the lid onto the coffin. But the gentleman who has died had died with an erection. Due to the erection they couldn't put the lid on the coffin. So they contacted his wife and discussed the situation with his wife, and they said that they can give him a curved lid, but the wife said that she cannot afford the rounded lid, then they suggested a lid with a hole in it to allow the lid to close, but the wife did not like this suggestion as the whole of the family want to see the coffin, so they decided that they will cut his penis in half and place it up his anus so that he can be buried whole. So then the wife went to the funeral parlour to see her husband, and when she saw him she noticed that he had a tear drop just under his eye. Upon seeing the tear she lent down towards him and whispered
'Bloody hurts doesn't it....'!!!...
A 90 year old man decides to visit a brothel before he dies. He chooses a nice girl &: escorts her to a room. Before he starts he says to her:' I used to be pretty good at this especially when I was in the navy. So I'd appreciate it if you can give me a bit of a sex rating as we go!'
'Sure she says'
After about 1 minute he asks 'how am I going'
'Oh, about three knots, grandpa' she says.
'That's a weird thing to say,' he thinks. Anyway he continues.
After two minutes. The same question.
The same answer
After three minutes. The same question
Still the same answer
He has to ask:' why do you keep rating my sex at three Knots?'
'Its three NOTS you silly old git. You're not hard You're not in And you're definitely NOT getting you're money back'.
Joe went out to the Bachelors and Spinsters Ball, he drank and though he tried he just couldn't pick up a girl to take home for coffee after the ball. So at 11.50pm feeling rejected he left the Ball and decided to go home.
On his way he passed this pumpkin patch. Pissed as, he thinks gee that pumpkin looks like the arse on that delicious blonde at the ball. So he walks over and cuts a hole in the pumpkin and starts pumping away.
Next minute hears someone say 'Hello what have we got hear', he turns to see a cop standing by the fence.
So Joe replied 'What is it Midnight already?'
Elle McPherson was on this cruise liner in the Pacific when a storm came from nowhere and threw the liner (Minnow II) against the rocks and was quickly sunk.
The only two survivors was the Captain and Elle, all alone on this deserted, lush, Pacific Isle.
The Capt and Elle got on fine for 10 months, when, as Elle was swimming in the lagoon, a huge shark lunged at her. The quick-thinking and brave Capt saved her from the aquatic beast.
She thanked the Capt for saving her life a second time and said she'd do anything for him.
'Anything' he says.
'Yes, anything!' Elle said.
'Well, would you please change into this sailors uniform'
Elle thought this was a strange request and wondered what was going to happen as the Capt had acted fairly normal up until now.
But she honoured his request and as she approached the Capt in the sailors uniform, the Capt nudged her in the arm and said 'Hey, matey, you wouldn't believe who I've been fucking for the last 10 months!!'
My father always claimed that as a child his family was so poor that his mother cut a hole in his pocket so he would have something to play with
A man after a heavy night on the town decides that he needs to satisfy his sexual appetite, so he heads to Kings Cross.
Upon arriving there he realises he has only 50 cents, and has no hope of having his urges sated. Out of the corner of his eye he sees this sign on a brothel that says 'We cater for a types, no request too big or too small, so figuring he has nothing to lose and everything to gain he enters the brothel.
At the front desk he approaches the madam and says 'I have only 50 cents, but your sign says you cater for all types, what can you do for me?'
The madam takes his 50cents and says 'Yes we can cater for you, just go to the last room on your left and enjoy!'
So without another word he goes to the end of the corridor and enters the last room on the left.
To his astonishment, there lying on the bed is a stunning natural blonde with a gorgeous figure, he cannot believe his luck.
So the man rips off his clothes in a flash and jumps on top of the girl. In a flash he is off again.
'Oh my God !' he exclaims, 'She is dead!' 'Oh well' he thinks, 'for 50 cents beggars can't be fussy' and he jumps on top of the girl and completes his deed.
As he comes he notices all this white stuff coming out of the girl's mouth, nose and ears and shudders. He quickly has a shower and leaves the room.
As he passes the madam, he says ' I hate to complain after all I only paid 50 cents and the woman even though dead was drop-dead gorgeous, but when I finished all this white stuff came out of the woman'
The madam replied 'Don't worry about it , it happens all the time', then turning to the bouncer she yells 'Hey Fred the girl in the last room on the left is full again'
Same guy again finds himself destitute with only 50 cents and horny as hell, so he heads for the same brothel again.
He walks up to the madam and says 'I have only got 50 cents again so what can you do for me?'
The madam replies 'last room on the left'
With that the man goes to the room and enters. To his astonishment, no girl, just a sheep sitting on the bed. Having been born in New Zealand and having no prejudices to towards sheep except perhaps thinking that they are wonderful looking animals he again thinks 'Oh what the hell it is only 50 cents' he proceeds to do his deed. After finishing he again has a shower, leaves and thanks the madam on his way out.
A week later, again destitute and horny he heads for the same brothel. Walking up to the madam and feeling like a regular he says 'here's my 50 cents and I know last room on the left!'
The madam replies 'thanks for the 50 cents, but this week it's upstairs and last room on the left'
So the guy heads off, up the stairs and enters the room. To his amazement the room is full of guys peeping through holes in the floor, wanking themselves.
'Oh what the heck, it's only 50 cents ' he says to himself and proceeds to find a vacant peephole and opens his fly.
As he peers through the peep hole he sees a man having sex with a duck, gets excited and proceeds to wank himself.
After what seems only like seconds the man below is finished and so is he. So he grabs one of the tissues provided and cleans himself up.
Turning to the guy next to him, he says 'Jesus, that was fantastic!'.
To which the guy next to him replies 'Nahh, that was nothing, you should have been here last week, we had a guy having sex with a sheep.!'
A young minister, who always knelt and prayed for an hour before going to bed, came back from the bathroom on his wedding night to find his sweet young bride, a former member of his congregation, lying on her back in bed.
'I expected to find you on your knees,.' he said, slightly annoyed.
'Oh allright then,' she said resignedly, 'but doggy style always gives me hiccups.'
A man telling his life story to his psychiatrist confessed that he had a sexual interest in horses.
'Male or female horses?' asked the shrink.
His patient bristled furiously, 'What do you think I am? A bloody queer?'
A man who won a contest to name a new beer was asked to explain over a national radio network how he chose his winning entry 'Love in a canoe. Because it's fucking close to water.' he replied
Little boy to his mum. 'Hey mum, did you know that birds have spare parts?'
'Oh really? Where did you learn that from son?'
'Well mum, I heard dad saying to Uncle Fred this morning that he'd love to screw the arse off the bird next door'
This guy was sitting in a restaurant at a table near two beautiful girls. This guy had never had any problems picking up girls, and decided that these two girls were too beautiful for him not to pick them up. So, he called over the waiter and asked him to send over a bottle of his best wine. The waiter brought the girls a bottle of $200 wine and said it was from the gentleman at the next table. The girls drank the wine and didn't even look at the guy. This guy started to get a little worried - maybe he was losing his touch?
So he asked the waiter to bring the girls a bottle of their best champagne. The waiter did, and again said it was compliments of the gentleman at the next table. The girls drank the champagne and didn't even notice the guy. Then they paid their bill and left.
The guy sat there feeling very sad. He had been suspecting hair loss for a while and it was obviously true - he was losing his touch. But then one of the girls walked back in. She walked up to him and said 'Hi, my friend feels really guilty that you spent all that money on us and we didn't even say thank you. My friend was wondering whether you would like to smell her intimate parts?'
The guy nearly fell off his chair and couldn't believe how lucky he was. He said he would love to. So the girl breathed on him.
Two dogs are at the vet.
The first one says 'what are you here for ?
The second dog replies 'I can't control myself. I just have to mount chair legs, table legs, people legs, other dogs - anything'
The first dogs says what are they going to do about it ?
The second dog says 'They're going to put me down'
The second dog then says, 'So what are you here for then'
The first dog says 'I've got the same problem as you - I can't control my urges either'
The second dog says 'So what are they going to do to you'
The first dog says proudly 'I'm going to have my nails clipped'
A very overweight man passed a weight loss clinic on his way down the street one day. The sign in the window said: Lose all the weight you want, $1/pound. The man was unsure so he went in and give the receptionist a dollar.
She told him to go down the hall and enter the room on the left. He goes in and finds a beautiful woman striped naked with a sign around her neck which read: 'If you can catch me, you can fuck me'.
The man chased after her and after 30 minutes of running, he caught her and fucked her. He went home and weighed himself. Sure enough, one pound lighter.
The next day he went in with two dollars. The receptionist told him to go down the hall and enter the room on his right. He did so and found an even more beautiful woman striped naked with the same sign around her neck, 'If you can catch me, you can fuck me'.
He chased her for an hour, finally caught her and did the dirty deed. He went home and weighed himself. Sure enough, two pounds lighter.
The next day he slapped one hundred dollars down on the receptionists desk. She told him to go down the hall and take the elevator down to the basement. He did so and after he stepped out into a dark room and the elevator doors closed behind him, the lights came on and revealed a gorilla with a sign around its neck which read: 'If I can catch you, I can fuck you'.
Confidence is when your wife catches you in bed with another woman, and you slap her on the ass and say, 'You're next!'
Two long time friends decide to go to the circus for the first time since they were children. The star attraction of this circus was a lion tamer called, Marvo The Great.
All the preliminary acts were pretty much run of the mill, but finally the time came for Marvo to perform his amazing feats.
Marvo entered the cage in the middle of the arena. As Marvo entered, five lions and five tigers were also released into the cage.
Marvo controlled all the beasts with great skill and only minimal use of his whip. He had the great cats jumping up on barrels, standing on their hind legs and jumping through rings of fire. Marvo and the cats delighted the large audience with all of these tricks.
All of a sudden all the lights dimmed and Marvo was standing centre stage under a single, powerful spotlight. Next to Marvo was the largest and most ferocious of all the ten cats, a huge lion who's roar was louder than all the other cats put together.
Marvo explained he needed complete concentration and great communication skills with the lion as he was about to put his head inside the beast's mouth. He opened the lion's jaws and slowly placed his head inside the lion's mouth. He then reached up with his hands and closed the lion's jaws around his head. The crowd were suitably impressed. Marvo, however, had not quite finished just yet.
Marvo called for the audience to be silent. As they obliged he removed his penis from the constraints of his tight lion-taming trousers. The crowd gasped as they realised what Marvo was about to attempt. The men in the audience felt decidedly uncomfortable at the spectacle they were witnessing.
Once again Marvo opened the huge jaws of the beast. He placed his penis n the lion's mouth and closed it's jaws around his pride and joy. The crowd went berserk, applauding and cheering loud and long. Marvo truly was great.
As the cheering finally subsided, the ringmaster announced there would be a somewhat different conclusion to the show tonight. He asked for any volunteers from the audience to come down to centre ring and perform the same feat they had just witnessed Marvo The Great perform. There was nothing but silence from the crowd.
The ringmaster then said there would be a $500 incentive for any volunteers.
The two friends look at each other and one was seriously considering the offer. Just as he was about to accept, the ringmaster upped the ante to $1000. Tommy jumped up and yelled 'I'll do it !'
As Tommy walked down to the ring the audience applauded politely. The ringmaster complimented Tommy on his bravery and asked him if he had any last minute niggly doubts. Tommy replied 'Well just on little niggly doubt.'
'And what would that be?' asked the ringmaster.
'I really don't know if I can open my mouth as wide as that lion !!!!'
These three blokes are at the races and having a terrible day. Everything they backed ran last.
One of them said, 'Look, we have tried every system known to man, I'd like to make a suggestion, lets go behind the shed, get out our old fella's and measure them and whatever the total, we'll put the remainder of the money on that number'.
So the first bloke whipped his out, 6 inches he said, the next bloke, 4 inches he said, and then the last bloke, 2 inches he said.
So they put all their money on the number 12 horse.
It was a rank outsider but it came in first. They were rolling in the money.
The bloke who had 6 inches said, 'Well I should take the lions share because I contributed the most'.
The bloke with 4 inches said, 'Well, I put in a third, and I believe it should be split evenly'.
The third bloke who only put in two inches said, 'Well, I should take the lot, because if I didn't have a hard-on, we wouldn't have got anything'.
There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn't decide which one to marry. So he gave five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.
The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, 'I want to look pretty for you because I love you so much.'
The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket--and gave them to the man. 'I bought you these gifts because I love you,' she told him.
The third woman invested the money in stocks and soon doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. 'I'm investing in our future because I love you so much,' she said.
The man carefully considered how each one had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.
A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.
The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars. The man says, 'That's ok.'
The man's next wish is for a house by the sea. Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea: once again, the man says, 'That's okay.'
The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death.
An engineer gets a job in a remote place somewhere is Saudi Arabia and when he gets there all he sees is sand and oil wells. The pay is very good but, of course, no alcohol or women in sight. Very worried, he asks the janitor 'Eh, Abdul, what do you do here when you need a good fuck?'
Abdul starts explaining, 'Oh, we don't have any women here but, do you see that camel? (actually, a female camel). Well, you can use her for...'
The engineer didn't want to hear anything else. 'Shut up, you must be crazy if you think I'm going to do that' and saying this, he walked away very offended.
After a few days, things started to get really hot and one day our friend couldn't stand it any more and asked Abdul 'Have the camel ready because tonight I will have a go'.
So, Abdul brought the camel, cleaned her, put a stool next to her and let the engineer know that everything was ready.
The next morning, our engineer looking much more relaxed, was shaving and whistling and Abdul all excited came to ask him 'So? What happened last night?.'
'You fool. Can't you guess what happened? I fucked the camel and it actually wasn't as bad as I thought.'
And Abdul looking all surprised replied 'YOU IDIOT ! The camel is for riding to the town where the hookers are!'
Snow White and the seven dwarfs are off for a walk in the woods when they hear someone singing. They creep up to near where the sound is coming from and look through the bushes. Well, when Snow White sees the handsome Prince she goes gaga and starts walking towards him in a trance. Naturally as in all fairy stories, it's love at first sight for both of them and they goo into the woods hand-in-hand.
This is all a bit confusing for the dwarfs who creep along behind the couple at a safe distance. Eventually the couple come to a high stone fence with a gare and walk through the gate to get a bit of privacy. When the dwarfs get to the gate they hear whispering and giggling and kissing and that sort of thing, but they just can't see through the gate. After listening to the carry-on for a while one of them suggests building a dwarf pyramid so they can see over the wall. So they form a pyramid with Dopey at the top ('cos he's the smallest) and Dopey promises to tell them all what he can see.
As soon as he looks over the fence the message comes down. 'He's got his hand on her leg', and it's passed on down the chain 'He's got his hand on her leg ...', 'He's got his hand on her leg...'
A few minutes passes and down the chain comes 'He's got his hand on her chest', 'He's got his hand on her chest...', 'He's got his hand on her chest...'.
A few more minutes more and 'He's got his hand up her dress', 'He's got his hand up her dress...', 'He's got his hand up her dress...'.
Another couple of minutes and a squeak comes down 'He's pulling off her panties', 'He's pulling off her panties...', 'He's pulling off her panties...'.
More minutes and the message comes down 'He's climbing on top of her', 'He's climbing on top of her...', 'He's climbing on top of her...'.
Unfortunately for Dopey this last one was a bit too loud and interrupts the two lovers. The Prince jumps up and starts striding angrily towards Dopey. 'Look out', squeaks Dopey. 'The Prince is coming', and down the chain comes the message 'So am I...', 'Me too...', 'And me...'
This couple went out on a first date and were getting along very well. As he was driving her home, He could sense that she wanted a little action so he pulled the car over to the side of the road and they got it on.
When it was over they both lit a cigarette and the man turned to the woman and said, 'If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time'.
To which she replied, 'If I knew you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose'.
A little boy comes home one day with a note from his teacher for his mother. His mother reads the note and it says: 'Your son is having trouble with the differences between boys and girls. Maybe you can help him.'
So the mother takes the boy into her bedroom and shuts and locks the door behind her.
'Take off my blouse', the mother orders him. So the boy takes off his mother's blouse.
'Now take off my skirt', she tells him. And the boy takes his mother's skirt off.
'Take off my bra and my pants', she says. So the boy takes off her bra and pants.
Then the mother looks at him and says: 'Good. Now if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'll beat the hell out of you!'
A small group of people were waiting at a bus stop. When the bus arrived one man helped his wife and eight children on first.
The conductor then raised his hand and said, Sorry no more the bus is full..
Rather than wait for the next bus the husband decided to walk. A blind gent with white cane also decided against waiting.
They had covered a few blocks, the blind man tapping his cane on the footpath, When the husband stopped dead and said to the blind man. 'Look mate I know you have an affliction but do you have to make all that noise with your cane. Couldn't you at least put a rubber tip on the end of your stick ?'
The blind man glanced in his direction and said 'Yes, But if you'd put a rubber tip on your stick we could have all got on that bus.'
The cops were doing the rounds on a Saturday night and noticed a couple of Harley Davidson's outside a pub so they went to investigate. They went inside but no-one claimed the bikes. They decided to have a look around and found the two bikies in a lane beside the pub. One of the bikies had his finger up his mate's arse.
The cop says, 'Hey, what are you up to?'
The bikie replies, 'He's had too much to drink, I'm trying to make him sick' still with his finger deeply buried.
The cop says 'That won't make him sick'
And the bikie responds 'You reckon? Wait 'til I stick my finger down his throat!'
A man goes to a prostitute and they get undressed and start to fondle each other. He proceeds to give her cunnilingus. Suddenly a small pea pops out of her vagina. He ignores it and proceeds. A few moments later a small piece of potato emerges. He's curious, but continues. Finally, a small piece of meat comes to his attention.
He asks her, 'Hey baby, are you sick or something'?
She responds, 'No, but the last guy was'.
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of the reservation they were on she wondered why there was a difference in the number of feathers in the braves' headdresses.
She asked one brave, who had one feather in his headdress.
His reply, 'Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather.'
She asked another brave feeling that the first fellow was only joking.
This brave, who had four feathers in his headdress replied, 'UGH, me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws.'
Still not convinced she decided to interview the chief.
Now the chief had a headdress full of feathers which needless to say amused Ms.Walters.
She asked the chief, 'Why do have so many feathers in your headdress?'
The chief pounded his chest and said, 'Me chief, me Fuck 'em all, BIG, small, fat, tall, me Fuck 'em all!'
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, 'You ought to be hung!'
The chief replies, 'You damned right me hung: big like buffalo, long like snake.'
Ms. Walters cried, 'You don't have to be so damn HOSTILE!'
The chief replied, 'Hoss style, dog style, wolf style, any style, ME FUCK 'EM ALL!'
With tears in her eyes Ms. Walters cries, 'OH DEAR!'
The chief said, 'NO DEER, me Fuck no deer, asshole too high, the Fuckers run to fast! NO FUCK DEER!'
Two guys were talking about a new pub down the road. One of the says to the other one 'If you go in there, for a dollar you get a pint of larger and then they take you out the back and give you a root'.
'You're not serious' says the second guy.
'Sure am', says the first guy, 'My missus told me that just the other day'.
There's a sign outside a Queensland garage that says 'Fill her up and win a free root'.
A guy goes in, fills her up and says 'Well'.
The proprietor says 'The law requires that there's a competition, so think of a number and tell me'.
'Nine', says the guy.
'Wrong', says the proprietor. 'It was eight'.
The guy drives off and topping at the pub in town starts talking to his mate about the con being run over at the garage.
'It's no con', says the other bloke. 'It's fair dinkum, it's on the level, my wife won twice just last month'.
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a way down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!' He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. Just then, the door opened, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:
'Come on guys, we're almost there!'
These 3 women are talking about their cars over a cup of coffee.
The first says 'I call my car the Lion, because I've got a Ferrari and it roars like a lion', the second adds ' I call my car the Cheetah, because mine is a Porsche and it purrs along.' the third says 'I named my car the Clit, coz I drive a Commodore and every cunts got one !'.
An Australian, American and a New Zealander were stranded in the desert and getting a bit horny when they spotted a sheep.
The Australian looked at the sheep and said 'I wish that was Elle McPherson!'.
The American said 'I wish that was Kim Bassinger!'.
The New Zealander said, 'Gee, I wish it was dark !'
A flea was flying down the beach one day when he came upon a lantern. The flea lands on the lantern and starts rubbing it. PUFF a genie appears.
'For releasing me from 1000 years of being in that bottle I will grant you 1 wish' said the genie.
'I'm lonely and without a place to live, so please put me on a Saint Bernard' said the flea.
A week later the genie is lying on the beach working on his tan and he sees the flea flying by. 'What happened to the Saint Bernard?' said the genie.
'Well' says the flea 'The dog was always rolling in the dirt and never got washed. He was too dirty to live on and his owners left him outside all the time in the freezing cold so I left.'
'Well I don't normally do this' said the genie 'But you did release me from the bottle, so I will grant you one more wish'.
'Well I don't want to waste this second opportunity so I want to be on something that's warm, is going to be interesting, and will enable me to travel around the world. I also like to listen to Country music' said the flea. The flea thought about it for a minute and then said 'OK put me in Willie Nelson's beard'.
The following week the genie was on the beach again checking out the beach beauties when he sees the flea go flying by. 'What happened to Willie Nelson's beard?'
'Oh it was terrible. Willie never bathed or cleaned his beard and because of his trouble with the Inland Revenue he had no heating and never left home'.
'Oh that's awful. Two wishes and neither one has worked out. OK I will give you one more wish but this is truly your last one. Make your wish'
'Well I want to be somewhere where it's warm and on someone who is clean, and interesting. Oh and I would still like to listen to Country music and travel around the world'.
The flea thought about it for a minute and then said. 'OK put me in Dolly Parton's Bush.'
The next week the genie is still on the beach when he sees the flea. 'I can't please you, everywhere I put you, you end up leaving. What was wrong with Dolly Parton's bush?'
The flea replied 'Nothing she kept it clean, it was warm, and I got to listen to Country music. I had it made. Then one night she went to a party and got drunk'.
'When I woke up the next day I was back in Willie Nelson's beard.'
There was this farmer who had 3 female pigs (sows) and no male pigs (boars). He wanted to breed his sows, so he contacted his neighbour up the road, who had a very 'active' boar.
Very early one morning, the farmer loads his 3 sows into the back of the truck and takes them up the road to his neighbour's. He leaves them there all day and returns to pick them up later that night.
His neighbour says to him 'Okay, now in the morning at sunrise, look out the window and check your sows. If they're chewing on grass, it means they 'took'. If they're wallowing in the mud, that means they didn't 'take' and you'll have to bring them back.'
The next morning, the farmer jumps out of bed and runs to the window. Unfortunately, all three sows are wallowing in the mud. So the farmer loads them in the truck and takes them back to the other farm for another day with the boar.
Again, he returns at dusk to pick up his sows. The other farmer gives him the same advice. The next morning, he runs to the window at sunrise and all three sows are wallowing in the mud.
This continues for a week, until finally one Saturday morning the farmer doesn't jump out of bed at sunrise to check the sows.
Finally, his wife says 'Honey, aren't you going to check the sows?'
He replies 'Naw, I know they're out there wallowing in the mud.'
His wife gets out of bed and walks to the window.
'Oh my God', she says in an excited tone.
'What is it?' asks the husband.
'The sows.' she exclaims.
'Are they wallowing in the mud?' asks the farmer.
'No' says his wife.
'Well are they chewing on grass?' asks the farmer, his voice beginning to show some excitement.
'No, they're not doing that either,' says the wife.
'Well, what are they doing?' asks the farmer.
'Well, two of them are in the back of the truck and the other one is honking the horn and motioning c'mon, let's go'.
A paedophile pervert stopped his car in the street alongside a young boy.
'Oi, Kid, Come in my car and I'll give a lolly !'.
The kid says 'Give me a whole bag of lollies and I'll come in you mouth!'.
A male hard boiled egg meets and lady hard boiled egg. Later they go to her bedroom. The lady hard boiled egg says 'I'll go and get dressed in something more comfortable'. She returns in horny silk underwear.
The male hard boiled egg says 'GOOOR, OOHHH....I should get dressed in something also'. The male hard boiled egg returns with a builders hard hat on.
The lady egg questioned 'Why the hard hat ?'.
The male egg replies, 'The last time I felt THIS HARD, someone hit me on the head with a spoon !'.
Three men die on Christmas Eve and present themselves at the Pearly Gates. The gatekeeper is a little worried that it is the Big Man's Birthday and that he may not let them in.
'You'll have to come up with something really good', he says after explaining the situation.
The first man fishes in his pockets, finds his cigarettes, strips all the silver paper off, shreds it and tosses the bits into the air. 'Tinsel', he says, and the gatekeeper lets him in.
The second man scratches his head a bit, fishes in his pockets, produces his car keys and shakes them. 'Jingle Bells', he says and the gatekeeper lets him in.
Looking at the third man, the gatekeeper says, 'The others got it easy. You'll have to come up with something a lot better than they did.'
The third man was really worried. he ferrets around in his pockets and after a while produces a G-string. 'Carole's', he says
A minister of a certain church was interviewing three couples who wished to become members of the church.
'You have all interviewed well so far,' he told them. 'But there is one final requirement you must fulfil before you can enter our church.
'You must all abstain from sex for six weeks.'
So, the three couples agreed to this, and six weeks later were interviewed again by the minister.
'Well, sir,' the minister said to the first husband, 'Did you and your wife abstain for the full six weeks?'
'Yes we did!' replied the husband. 'It wasn't even difficult! My wife took up knitting, and I read a lot, and we never even missed sex.'
'Congratulations!' said the minister, 'Welcome to the church!'
He then asked the second husband the same question.
'At first it was easy!' the second husband replied. 'But near the end of the six weeks, it took all the will power we could muster up to get though. But we did it! We abstained for the full six weeks!'
The minister congratulated the second couple. 'Come on in to the church!'
He asked the third husband the same question, and he replied, 'I'm afraid I have bad news. We were doing OK, for a while. But eventually I just couldn't take it any longer. When my wife bent over to pick up a bar of soap, I couldn't control myself! We had sex right then and there.'
'I'm very sorry,' said the minister. 'But I'm afraid I won't be able to let you into our church.'
'That's OK,' replied the husband. 'They won't let us back into Safeway either!'
I walking going jogging the other day with my shorts and shirt on when I noticed a brand new tennis ball lying in the gutter. So I picked it up and without having any pockets in my shorts I stuffed it down the front. Jogging on a bit further I run across a lady who is staring at the front of my shorts. 'It's OK', I tell her 'It's just tennis ball', to which she replies 'Yeah, I know how you feel, I had tennis elbow once'
During WWII when the Russians took over East Germany there was this big Russian fellow who taking pity on one of the starving East German women took her back to his place and in return for him giving her some food she would have to satisfy his sexual needs.
So once the act is over he looks down at her and says 'In about 9 months' time, you will give birth to a baby boy and you may call him Ivan'
At which she replied 'In about 2 weeks' time you will develop and nasty rash and you may call it measles'.
I remember back during my late school years I was asked by the teacher: 'What is the name of the female reproductive organ ?'
My answer was 'I know that, I know that, it's on the tip of my tongue'
A prostitute is sitting in a bar waiting for some work to come her way when a guy wanders over and trying to start a conversation says to her 'What do you do for a crust' ?' to which she replies 'Oh, I just wear the same knickers for a week or so'
A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He goes up to the farmer and says 'Excthuth me, can I have a look at your horth?'
'Sure', says the farmer, 'come on in'.
The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer 'Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth'. The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes. 'Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth'.
Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming 'Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth'.
The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is quite heavy.
Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says 'Her twat, her twat, I want to see her twat!'
The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's backside. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament, 'SCHLOOOOP!'.
The dwarf wipes himself down and says 'I think I better wephase that, I'd like to thee her gallop!'
A Pod of Whales
A pod of whales was happily swimming about in the ocean, singing to themselves as whales do, when one of them spotted an ominous sight: a Japanese whaling ship up ahead. They thresh about anxiously and begin to turn tail to swim away fast, when one of them says 'OoooAAAAAAAwh'Eeeeeee..' (sorry, I'll translate:)
Whale One: Friends! Haven't we had enough of this? Isn't it time we fought back and drove these murderous bastards out of our waters?
Other whales: Yes! It's Time! Fight Back! Kill the Whalers!
Whale Two: But what can we do? They have harpoons!
Whale One: Listen, and I'll tell you. What we must do is breath very deeply, and then dive, and swim very deeply and very silently underneath the ship. Then, at my signal, we rise up as fast as possible, blowing our spouts hard and high - and we'll blast them out of the water!
After a brief discussion they all agreed, and carried out the plan. Deep breath, deep dive, silent deep swimming and then KAPOW! up out of the water. The ship rose up out of the water, wobbled about on the monstrous geyser, and then sank back down, still upright. The plan had failed, and worse yet, the sailors now knew the whales were there, and they could be seen ominously readying harpoons.
The whales anxiously began to form another plan:
Whale Three: I have it! Let us ram the ship from the side. That way, we can capsize it and knock all those damned whalers into the sea. And then - revenge!
Whaler sushi! We swallow them all up, and they'll never eat whalemeat again!
The other whales cheer, and begin lining up for the charge. But one whale is clearly not happy. As the others look curiously at him, he says snappishly 'Well, I've no objection to a blow job, but I simply cannot abide swallowing seamen'
There's this penguin driving down the road and his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest garage and the mechanic told him that he was busy at the moment but would check out the car as soon as he could.
So the penguin, with a bit of time up his sleeve decides to go buy a Banana Paddle Pop. Walking back to the car on such a warm day the penguin spilt the ice-cream all down his front. When he arrived back at the car the mechanic was already under the car checking out the engine.
The mechanic got up and said 'Looks like you've blown a seal'.
The Penguin replied 'Nah, it's only ice-cream'.
Two young women were chatting in the local coffee bar. 'My boyfriend has a big thing going in oil,' said one, 'and if it comes off we'll be married in a few weeks.'
The other replied: 'My boyfriend's got a big thing in rubber, and if that comes off we'll be married immediately!'
A girl from the backblocks was about to get married, and being completely in the dark about the facts of life, she went to her mother for some advice.
'What'll happen on me wedding' night mum?' she asked.
'Well, Barbara,' said her mother, 'it's sorta like this, see .....he'll put his most prized possession where you go wee-wee.'
Barbara considered this for a moment.
'You mean ter say,' she said slowly, 'he's gunna put his thongs in th' sink?'
This Italian guy goes into a swank Milano clothing store with his son. He turns to the sales lady and says 'We're here to getta sporta-jacket for my son Luigi with the (loudly) bigga, fuckin' head', slapping Luigi on the head as he says the last.
The sales lady thinks this is a bit strange, but shows them a few and they select two to try on.
Italian guy says, 'Luigi, getta your bigga, fuckin' head in the dressing room and try on the jackets.' Again, he slaps Luigi on the head when he's saying 'bigga, fuckin' head'.
The sales lady is now getting concerned and she relays her tale to the store manager. The Italian man selects one of the sports coats and they go to pay at the cashier. There the manager starts to take their money when the Italian guy says, 'We got sent down here to getta sporta-jacket for my son Luigi with the (loudly) bigga, fuckin' head.'
The manager interjects, 'Sir, I'm quite concerned with the way you are treating your son. It's unbecoming in public and I fear for his safety.'
The Italian guy goes, 'Hey, you donta understand. My wife is the most beautiful woman in Milan, she has a gorgeous face and a body to kill for. And when we get married, she's got the tightest pussy I ever felt. And then along comes Luigi, with the bigga, fuckin' head!'
There is this old woman and her only friend in the world is this small cat, but after a while she notices that it has started to smell a bit, so investigating she discovers that it has died. Not wanting to throw it in the garbage or dump it in the street, she gets on the bus and asks to be let off at the pet cemetery. Noticing the look on the conductors face she explains that her cat had died, got a bit on the smelly side so she wanted to bury him where she could remember his always. Being a bit of a forgetful old woman, she asks the conductor to let her know when they get to the right stop.
So they start travelling and after a while the conductor calls out 'OK, the lady with the smelly pussy, this is where you get off'.
Three women got off the bus and another two crossed their legs.
An old lady is given a lamp from a garage sale.
She's sitting on her front porch rocking and decides to polish the lamp.
Poof, out pops a genie. He says she has three wishes.
'First, I'd like to be fabulously, endlessly wealthy.'
Poof, she is sitting on the veranda of a palace with chests of jewels, gold and cash all around her.
'Second, I'd like to be young and beautiful.'
Poof, she is young and gorgeous.
'Third, my old cat Romeo, he's been my companion for 15 years. I want you to turn him into a young, handsome prince.'
Poof -- it is so.
At this point Romeo leans over to the lady and says, 'Now -- aren't your sorry you had me neutered?'
A cowboy was riding the trail when, all of a sudden, he was captured by a tribe of ferocious Indians. They tied him to a stake and then the chief said to him ' You may have one wish and then we will kill you.'
The cowboy called his horse over and whispered a word in the horse's ear. The horse trotted off and returned a few minutes later with a beautiful blonde saloon girl. The girl hops off the horse, hops on the cowboy, and they make passionate love.
The chief scratches his head and then meets with his council. The next day he comes back to the cowboy and says, 'We have decided that the time is not yet right. You may have another wish.'
Cowboy calls his horse over, whispers something in its ear and, lo and behold, the horse returns with a gorgeous redhead. They make love and then the horse returns the redhead to town.
The chief is amazed! He meets with his council and the next day says to the cowboy, 'Today is the day you die. However, you may have one more wish before you die.'
The cowboy calls over his horse, grabs both of the horse's ears and yells, 'I said POSSE!'
A guy was out on the bay fishing when he managed to pull in a lamp. He gave it a rub and to his surprise a genie appeared.
'OK', said the Genie, 'You've got three wishes hurry up and decide and throw the lamp back in the ocean'.
On his return home he started to think about what happened and didn't really expect any of it to be true, until he turned into his street, where at the end of his street was this magnificent big white house just like something from 'Gone with the wind', he couldn't believe it!! The genie had come good.
He slowly drove up the huge driveway and then entered the large oak doors and there to his surprise was this gorgeous woman with nothing on except a little white apron and bending over the oven preparing a meal, he just couldn't believe his luck.. Just as he was going to get to know the girl there was a knock on the door and there in front of him stood twenty men with long white gowns and pointed white hoods,
'What's going on here ?' says the guy.
'Are you the man that wished to be hung like a nigger' came the reply!!!
Two sperms swimming around and one says to the other 'When do we get to the ovaries', and the other ones says 'Miles yet, we've just passed the tonsils'.
There is this woman and she's just broken up with her boyfriend and feeling pretty down, she goes out on the town, gets pretty drunk and ends up picking up a hunchback. Not realising what she has done, pretty blind drunk, she takes him home and starts screwing him wildly. After a few hours of this they both fall asleep.
Waking up the next morning she rolls over and when she sees what she has been sleeping with, she throws up all over the hunchback. The hunchback at this stage wakes up and says groggily, 'What happened'.
'Oh, I am so sorry', says the woman, 'But when I realised what I have just had sex with, I couldn't help myself, I just had to throw up'.
'Oh, thank god for that', says the hunchback, 'I thought my hump had burst'.
This guy is wandering down the street one day, looking for something to buy for his wife when he sees a window full of flowers. So wandering into the shop he says 'I'll have a dozen red roses'.
'What ?' says the shopkeeper.
'I said I'll have a dozen red roses', says the guy.
'We don't sell flowers', says the woman, 'This is a circumcision clinic'.
'Well, why do you have flowers in the window ?' says the guy.
And the woman replies 'What do you want us to put in the window ?'
Have you heard about the new invention ? It's a set of magnets that you attach to your dick so you can attract women wearing braces
This gay guy is walking through the park one night feeling pretty lonely when he sees this old drunk lying down on a bench. H e walks over to him, does his thing and then feeling a bit guilty leaves 20 dollars in the drunks back pocket.
The drunk wakes up the next morning, puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out the 20 dollars. Feeling pretty good with himself he walks down to the bottle shop and says to the bottle shop owner 'I'll have a flagon of white wine'.
Getting the wine and going down to the park, he sits there all day drinking, so by the time night comes around he's pretty much pissed as a mute.
The same gay guy comes into the park later that night and sees the drunk lying on the bench. Thinking he was in luck again, he gives it to the old drunk and feeling a little bit guilty he slips 20 dollars into his pocket again.
The drunk wakes up the next morning, feels in his pocket and he's in luck again. So, trotting off to the bottle shop he says to the bottle shop owner 'I'll have a bottle of white wine'. Same thing, he goes back into the park, drinks the wine and promptly falls asleep.
The same gay guy comes into the park, sees the drunk, gets together with him and leaves 20 dollars in the drunks' pocket.
The drunk wakes up the next morning, hand in the pocket, finds the 20 dollars and is straight back to the bottle shop before you can blink.
He walks into the bottle shop and says to the guy 'I'll have a bottle of red wine'.
The bottle shop owner looks at him and says 'Hey, I thought you were drinking white wine'.
And the drunk looks back at him and says 'Nah. The white wine gives me a pain in the ass'.
Did you hear about the woman who was going to divorce her economist husband because when it came to sex all he ever did was stand at the end of the bed and tell her good things were going to be ?
A husband and wife were talking down the back yard. The wife happened to point out that the back fence was in a bad state of disrepair and asked her husband to fix it.
'What!' said the husband, 'Who do you think I am? I'm not A V Jennings!!!'
They then headed back to the house and the wife noticed that one of the back windows was broken, so her husband would have to fix that.
'What!' said the husband, 'Who do you think I am? I'm not Windscreens O'Brien!!!'
Once inside the house the wife noticed that the mattress on one of the beds was broken and so her husband, finally, would have to fix that.
'What!' said the husband, 'Who do you think I am? I'm not Capt'n Snooze!!!'
The husband then went off to work and when he returned some hours later the wife informed him that she had had to call a plumber to fix the kitchen sink but was unable to pay the plumber cash for the service, so, could they come to some arrangement.
The plumber then reportedly said 'Well, if that's the case, you can either make me an apple pie or we can go to the bedroom and have sex.'
'What!' said the husband, 'He said that to you! What did you do?'
'Well,' said the wife quite sweetly, 'I'm not Sara Lee'.
Little boy goes up to his mother and says 'Where do babies come from ?'
And his mother replies 'The stork brings them'.
And the little boy says 'Yeah. So who screws the stork ?'
This guys wife goes out of town for the weekend so he rushes out and buys some super sex pills.
His wife comes back on Monday and as she is walking up the path she sees the cat, dead ! the dog, dead !
She looks in the house and sees nothing so she goes around the back to the shed.
There she sees her husband with his dick in the vice filing it down.
'What the bloody hell is going on here', the wife demanded.
And the husband replies 'If that budgie thinks he's getting away without it, he's got another think coming'.
This bloke goes in to see his psychiatrist one day complaining that all his wife ever want to do is have sex. In the morning, in the evening, at night, on the bed, on the table even on the floor.
The psychiatrist replied that he should charge his wife for having sex. 100 dollars on the bed, 50 dollars on the table and 10 dollars on the floor. That should put her right off.
So anyway, they bloke goes home and waiting for him at the door is his wife, dressed in a flimsy negligee. He walks through the door and she descends on him like flies to shit.
'Whoa, wait a minute', he says 'From now on when you want sex you have to pay for it. 100 dollars on the bed, 50 dollars on the table and 10 dollars on the floor'.
'OK', says the wife and gives him 100 dollars.
'OK', says the bloke 'Jump up on the bed'.
'No way', says the wife, 'I want ten on the floor'.
A man walks into a clock shop, goes to the counter, unzips his pants and lays his penis on the counter.
The woman, embarrassed, said quietly, 'I'm sorry sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop.'
The man replied, 'I know. I want two hands and a face on it right now.'
Little Joey came home from school one day, and his mother, like any other day, asked him what he had learned and how his day was.
Little Joey replied that nothing very spectacular happened, but he did have sex with his teacher.
Well, little Joey's mother was devastated, and sent Joey up to his room, and he's not to come out till his father gets home, and he'd be dealt with then.
When his father finally came home, he heard a knock at the door, and around the corner came his father. He explained to Joey that he broke his mother's heart, and that she'd been crying all day. But he did however state that he was proud of his little man, and he offered Joey to go out and pick out himself a new bike for his accomplishment.
Joey said, 'Well dad, thanks, but let's make it another day, my butt is still kind of sore.'
A guy walks into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattooist that he would like to have a dollar bill tattooed on his 'private part'.
The tattooist tells him that's a VERY sensitive area and that he has to give him 3 good reasons why he wants it there.
The guy says: 'I like to play with my money.'
Tattooist: 'That's a good reason. What else?'
The guy says: 'I like to watch my money grow.'
Tattooist: 'That's another good reason, but this last one BETTER be good!'
The guy says: 'Instead of my wife going out to blow my money, she can do it at home!
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to grandma's, when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
'Ah-ha!' the wolf cried, 'Now I've got you, I'm going to eat you!'
'Dammit !'cried a distressed Red Riding Hood, 'Eat, eat, eat. Doesn't anyone FUCK any more?'
Two Prostitutes talking to each other:
#1 - 'Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?' #2 - 'Nope, but I've been swung around by the tits.'
Little Jenny came home from school one day and she ran straight to the bathroom and started to cry. Her mother, concerned about her went in and asked what was wrong.
'Well,' replied Jenny, 'we just learned in health class that the baby comes out where the boy's penis goes in. Is that true?'
'Sure honey, but that's nothing to cry about,' said her mother.
Then Jenny replied, 'But when I have Johnny's baby, I'm afraid it'll knock out a few of my teeth!'
This young man comes up the driveway with his little suitcase full of 'toys' Upon his arrival he opens the case and starts to show the women.
'Look at that big black one with the cogs on it! I bags that one!' says one woman
'Then I bags the long skinny yellow one!', says another.
Finally the big fat heifer up the back says 'I'll take the Tartan One'
To which the young man replies. 'That's my coffee thermos flask!'
There's this boyfriend and girlfriend in bed banging away getting absolutely nowhere. She's not getting it on, he's not getting it off.
Eventually she rolls off, looks over at him and says 'What's the matter. Can't you think of anyone else either ?'
One day, this young boy is sent to the store. The boy's father told him to go down to the store and get $5 worth of What's what.
The boy, so excited about getting this responsibility runs off without ever asking his father what What's what was.
The young boy get down to the grocery and he goes up to the grocer and asks, 'Mr. Grocer, I need $5 worth of What's what.'
The grocer replies, 'What?'
And the boy says, 'What's what.'
The grocer, not wanting to mess with this kid says, 'Kid, get the hell out of here.'
So the kid goes down the street to the Tailor. He asks, 'I'd like $5 worth of What's what.'
And the Tailor replies, 'What?'
And the boy says, 'What's what.'
The Tailor, not having patience with kids says, 'Kid, get the hell out of here.'
So the young boy goes to the Butcher. He goes up and asks, 'Mr. Butcher, I'd like $5 worth of What's what.'
The Butcher replies, 'What?
And the kid says, 'What's what.'
The Butcher then thought to himself 'Hmmmm... a dumb little kid. I think I'll have some fun with him.' So the Butcher points across the street at a Whorehouse and says to the kid, 'Go over there and they will fix you up.'
So the kid goes across the street to the Whorehouse and knocks on the door. A woman, completely naked opens the door.
The young boy, never having seen a woman's privates before says, 'W-w-w-w-what's that?!?'
And the woman replies, 'What's what?'
And the boy says, 'Great! I'll take $5 worth!'
There are 3 guys (one a gay, one a bi and one an ultra straight) walking through the African jungle one day when they are suddenly set upon by the natives. Taking them back to their camp, they strap them to trees.
The chief comes over and says 'You have been caught in our jungle and you must pay the penalty. You have two choices. Death or Mumba Mumba'.
The gay guy looks back at the chief and says 'What's Mumba Mumba'.
The chief replies 'Mumba Mumba is where we take you out to the plains and all of the tribal elders root you up the arse'.
'OK', says the gay guy 'I want Mumba Mumba'.
So the gay gets taken down and dragged off onto the plains. The bi and the straight are still strapped to the trees when the gay is brought back with a satisfied grin on his face.
The chief looks a the bi and says 'You have two choices. Death or Mumba Mumba'.
The bi, not being terribly brave says to the chief 'Mumba Mumba'.
So the bi is taken down and hauled off onto the plains where they hear cries of ecstasy.
The chief looks over at the straight and says to him. 'You have two choices. Death or Mumba Mumba'.
The straight looks him right in the eye and says 'There's no way you're doing that to me. I choose death'.
To which the chief looks at him, turn to the rest of the tribe and calls out 'Death for this one. (pause) By Mumba Mumba'.
Superman was flying through the air one day when using his farsight vision he sees Wonder Woman lying on her back, totally naked in the middle of a field.
Swooping down, he takes off his suit and cape, screws the living daylights out of her and flies off again.
A few days later he spies Wonder Woman walking down the street and says to her 'I bet you were surprised when I swooped down the other day and screwed you silly'.
Says Wonder Woman, 'Not half as surprised as the Invisible Man was'.
A young man purchased a brand new Harley Davidson motorcycle from a bike shop. The sales assistant gave the man a few words of advice.
He said 'I have had my bike for more than 20 years, and I protect it from the rain by coating it with Vaseline'.
Later that day the young man visited his girlfriends' house and was invited to stay for dinner. Before the meal, the girl's father announced that the first one to talk has to do the dishes.
The family proceeded to finish their meal in silence and entered the lounge room to watch television.
The young man grabbed his girlfriend and screwed her in the middle of the floor and no one uttered a word.
The young man then repeated the act on the girl's mother and still there was complete silence.
Suddenly there was the sound of thunder outside and it began to rain.
The young man then entered the bathroom and returned with a jar of Vaseline.
The father, seeing this, leapt to his feet and cried. 'IT'S ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE DISHES !!!'
There's this attractive young lady doing naked aerobics in her lounge room when there comes a knock at the door.
She asks who it is and hears the reply, 'Blind delivery boy'.
She thinks, 'Ok, he's blind it doesn't matter if I don't have any clothes on, he can't see me.'
The young lady lets the delivery boy in and says, 'I'll be with you in just a moment.'
She finishes her aerobics, turns to him and asks, 'What can I do for you?'.
The delivery boy asks, 'Where would you like your blinds?'
It's around Christmas time and the mailman is delivering his mail, collecting the presents that the good people leave out for him. Getting to one house he notices that there is nothing waiting by the mailbox, so he boldly steps up to the door and knocks.
The lady of the house opens the door and upon seeing the mailman there almost drags him into the bedroom. Upon getting to the bedroom she shuts the door and starts to bang him like it's going out of style. On the bed, on the floor, in the shower, everywhere you can image.
She finishes, gives him 5 dollars and then invites him downstairs for a meal. Getting downstairs he sees this fantastic spread put out before him so he starts tucking in and after about an hour of eating he looks up at her and says 'That was terrific. I've had some good presents in my life but this was the best'.
'Thanks' says the lady 'but actually this was my husbands idea'.
'What' says the mailman nearly choking.
'Yes', she says 'I suggested that we give you a bottle of wine but my husband said 'Fuck him, give him 5 dollars'. The meal is on me'.
There are these two young lovers, out on their first date and the guy start to make a move on his girlfriend. When she doesn't ask him to slow down he thinks 'Terrific, lets go for it' and he start to undress while at the same time trying to undress his girlfriend.
After he's got all of his clothes off he jumps on top of her and starts banging away for all his life is worth
After a few minutes he notices that every time he goes in her toes curl up, and thinking that she is having a good time says to the girl 'Do your toes always curl up when you're having a good time?'
To which she replies 'Only when I've got my pantyhose on'.
There is this guy and he's got a pet lizard. He decides one day to take out to the movies. Upon getting to the theatre he tries to buy a ticket and the woman selling the tickets says 'Hey, you can't bring that in here'.
'OK, OK', says the guy and going around the corner he stuffs the lizard down his jeans.
Coming back around the corner he buys a ticket to the movie.
In the middle of the movie the lizard starts to get bored and pokes his head out for a look around.
One woman sitting next to the bloke turns to her friend and in the darkness says 'Hey, this bloke next to me has got his dick out'.
To which her friend says 'So, you seen one you seen them all'.
'Yeah', goes the other one, 'but this one's eating my popcorn'.
Indian guide (with ear to the ground); Buffalo come.
Tourist: Wow, that's amazing! How can you tell?
Indian Guide: Ground sticky.
One day this farmer's rooster died.
So the farmer went to town to get a new rooster and the man that sells the roosters says to the farmer, 'I've only got one rooster left, but you don't want him, he screws everything'.
The farmer says, 'Well that's allright, that is what I want him for'.
The man says, 'No, you don't understand. This rooster screws anything and I mean anything'.
The farmer says, 'That's okay, I'll take him'.
The farmer took the rooster and the whole way that rooster was squirming and trying to get loose, and as soon as they got to the farm and the farmer let the rooster go, that rooster went straight into the hen house and screwed every hen in there and came out with feathers flying everywhere.
The rooster grabbed the dog, screwed it, grabbed the cat, screwed it and took off into the fields. The farmer was just watching in amazement as the rooster started screwing the goats, cows, horses, and on and on.
Finally later that evening, the rooster came running by the farmer headed out to another area of the farm and the farmer grabbed him and told him, 'If you don't slow down you are going to die'.
Well, the rooster didn't even hesitate, he just took off and started screwing the rest of the farm animals.
The farmer got sleepy and said 'Aw the hell with him and went to bed'.
The next morning, the farmer got up and went outside and that rooster was laid out on the ground right in front of the house.
The farmer walked over to him and bent over and said, 'I told you if you didn't slow down you were going to die.'
The rooster open one eye up real slow and said, 'Shhhhh, buzzards!'
A carpenter, an electrician and a dentist had a mutual friend who was getting married, and keeping with custom, each was determined to carry out a practical joke on the newlyweds.
The electrician decided to wire the bed up so when the couple touched they would receive a jolt from the mattress, while the carpenter opted to saw through the bed frame so the mattress would fall through when they jumped.
As the wedding approached, the dentist was still scratching his head trying to come up with something.
After the honeymoon, the new husband confronted his three mates.
'We didn't mind when we got zapped,' he told them, 'And we had a good laugh when the bed collapsed. But I'm gonna strangle the bastard who put the Novocaine in the vaseline!'
A father of 3 teen-aged daughters answered the doorbell, and a young man was standing there. 'Yes?' said the father.
The young man said, 'Hi, my name is Eddie, I've come to pick up Betty: we're going out for spaghetti, is she ready?'
'Sure, ' said the proud pop. A few minutes later, father answered the door a second time.
The young man, standing there with a box of candy, said, 'Hi, my name is Joe, I've come to pick up Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?'
'Sure, ' said Pop. Settling back in the easy chair, the doorbell rang a third time.
On answering the door, the young man standing there began, 'Hi, my name is Chuck...'
'Get the hell outta here' pop yelled.
This 'world-famous authority on the paranormal and supernatural' gave a lecture at Texas A&:M and was impressed by the fact that the lecture hall was filled with students eagerly listening and taking copious notes. At the conclusion of the lecture he announced a question and answer period.
'Gentleman, my question and answer periods are two-way. I'd like for you to ask me questions but first I'd like to ask the audience a few things, ' he mentioned. 'All right, how many have ya have ever SEEN a ghost?'
Well, everyone in the lecture hall raised their hand'.
'How many of you have ever conversed with a ghost?'
About 1/2 the group raised their hands.
Very much impressed, he asked, 'How many of you have ever touched a ghost?'
Again, EVERYONE raised their hands. 'How many of you have ever had SEXUAL RELATIONS with a ghost?'
One solitary hand was raised. The professor was ecstatic. 'Come straight down to the podium, young man' he commanded, 'This is a VERY RARE incident. Please, tell us all about your experience of having sex with a ghost'
The student laughs and turns red-in-the-face. 'Ghost? We thought you was saying GOAT?
These 2 tribes had been fighting on and on for years and the losing tribe's leader at the end of the war would have to submit himself to the winning side and be killed.
Well, after one particularly bloody battle, the losing sides' leader went to the winners and when he arrived they told him they were changing the rules around.
Okay, they said, this is what you have to do. They told him first he had to swim across an alligator infested lake. After that go into a certain cave where there lay a lion with an abscessed tooth, and pull that tooth. After that go to the top of a huge castle where there was a virgin girl and fix that.
After luckily swimming across that lake where half of his clothes were torn to shreds, he jetted into the cave and after an hour of roars, screams, hair flying out of the cave, the man walked out and said, 'OK now where is that girl with the abscessed tooth?'
This big time salesman went to several conferences a year. Every time he would take a $1000.00 bill with him.
One day his wife came home and announced that she was going to the National Housewives Convention and she would need a thousand dollars.
The salesman asked her, 'Why?'
She said, 'You take a thousand dollars with you every time you go to a convention.'
He said, ' Yea, but, you don't drink. You don't gamble, and you have your own pussy. What do you need a thousand dollars for?'
Jack and Jill were working for this company. The company had run into some bad times and the guy that owned the company was going to have to lay either Jack or Jill off.
He really couldn't decide which one to lay off because they were both really good workers.
One day, he decided which ever one of them came back from lunch first, he was going to lay off.
Sure enough, here came Jill up the front stairs.
As she entered the front door, he walked up to her and said, 'Listen Jill, I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to either lay you or Jack off.'
Jill replied, 'Well you're going to have to jack off cause I got a headache.'
Mickey Mouse was in court with Minnie Mouse. The judge called the case 'Mickey Mouse is filling a divorce from Minnie Mouse on the ground of Minnie's mental instability'. To this Mickey Mouse jumped to his feet and said 'I didn't say that. All I said was she was fucking Goofy'.
Two poofters are sitting in the lounge room of their house. One turns to the other and says 'I want to jerk off'.
The other one says 'Not now, not now'.
The first one says 'But I really have to jerk off'.
The other one says Not now, not now'.
The first one says 'But I really have to'.
The other one says 'OK, but let me get a drink first. Don't you dare jerk off until I get that drink'.
So the guy goes out and gets his drink and when he comes back in, there is cum everywhere. On the ceiling, on the TV, over the cat, just everywhere.
He looks at the first bloke and says 'I thought I told you not to jerk off until I got a drink'.
And the first guy goes 'I didn't. I farted'.
There is this bloke and he's is on his honeymoon with the new missus and they are getting undressed for bed when he looks over at her and says 'Jesus, check out those tits, after a few good child bearing years they're going to be hanging on the ground' His wife immediately boots him out the door.
Meanwhile in the next room another bloke and his missus are getting ready for their first night together when the guy exclaims 'Holy shit. check out those thighs, what did they call you at school? Thunder thighs?'. His wife checks him out the door with a smack upside the head.
While these two guys are sitting in the corridor licking their wounds another guy comes tumbling out of his room. 'Oh', they both say, 'Did you put your foot in it too?' to which the other guy says 'No, but I could have'.
There is a little girl and she sees her mother in the shower.
'What's that?' she asked, pointing to mother's genital area.
'That's my hairy wombat' she replied.
Next weekend, the girl spends the night at her grandmother's house.
The little girl sees her granny in the shower.
'What's that?' she asked, point to grandmother's genital area.
'That's my hairy wombat' she replied.
Back home, the little girl says to her mother, 'Mummy, grandma's hairy wombat is really old'.
Mother replies 'How do you know that?'
The little girl replies 'Because its tongue was hanging out?
This bloke is sitting in the dentist chair having his teeth filled when the dentist looks up at him and says 'Did you have oral sex last night?'
The guy looks back at him and says 'Yeah. Have I got pubic hairs stuck in my teeth?'
And the dentist replies 'No. You've got shit up your nose'.
Two guys are walking down the road when they come across a dog, sitting in the middle of the road, licking its dick.
'I wish I could do that' says one guy.
The other guy says 'If you give him a biscuit maybe he'll let you'.
There are three prostitutes who have become fed up with the way that no man can satisfy their needs any more. They all decide to end their lives so they head off to the Rialto.
The first one gets out of the lift on the 20th floor and jumps out of a window and land on the road. It takes them a week to wipe up the mess.
The second one takes the lift up to the 40th floor and jumps out, landing on a BMW. It takes them 3 weeks to wipe up the mess.
The third one, most desperate of all, takes the lift to the top of the Rialto, jumps off and lands on a telephone pole. It takes them 4 weeks to wipe the smile off her face.
There is this guy and he decides that he wants to have a party but he doesn't want it to be really boring so he decides to have a mood party. He rings up all of his friends and says that he is going to have a mood party and that they should all come dressed as their favourite mood.
So the night of the party rolls around and the first person to come to the door is dressed all in blue. The host says 'Hey, I get it, you've got the blues. Come on in'.
The next person to roll up is all in green and after a minute the host goes 'Wow, yeah, green with envy, come on in'.
The party really starts swinging when another knock at the door there are two guys standing there. One with his dick stuck in a pear and the other with his dick in a bowl of custard.
'Wow, wait a minute' says the host 'I think you're at the wrong party. Were not like that here'.
'No way' says one of the guys 'we're both dressed as moods. I'm in despair and my friend is fucking disgusted'.
There is this garbo and every other day he picks up the garbage bin from the front of Rastus' house.
One morning he notices that Rastus has not put out his bin. So being the concerned type fellow he is he knocks on the door just to see if anything is wrong.
Rastus comes to the door, buck naked and the garbo says 'Hey, Rastus where's your bin?'.
To which Rastus answers 'I's bin rootin', where's yo bin'.
There are these two neighbours and they both hate each other like you've never seen before. One day one of them is digging in his garden when he finds an old bottle.
Opening the bottle out pops a genie and says to the man 'For letting me out of the bottle I will grant you three wishes, but these's one catch. Everything you wish for your worst enemy will get twice'.
'Righto' says the guy 'I wish for a 5 story mansion.
'OK' says the genie and poof and a whoosh of smoke his house is replaced with what he wants and at the same time his neighbours' house is transformed into a 10 storey mansion.
'Ha, ha, ha' says the neighbour 'I've got a better house than you have'.
'For my second wish I want 20 voluptuous women who always want sex'
Instantly he is surrounded by the 20 most beautiful women in the world and at the same time his neighbour is surrounded by 40 sensuous women.
'Thank-you' says the neighbour 'I've twice as many women as you have and believe me I don't tire as fast as you do'.
'Last wish coming up' says the genie.
'OK' says the guy, 'I want my sex drive lowered by half'.
Two mates were standing in the men's room at a pub one day when one of the guys couldn't help noticing that the other guy had a dick the size of an elephants.
He says to the other guy 'Hey, that's a sensational member you've got there'.
The other bloke turns back to him and says 'Yeah. I was wandering through deepest darkest Africa one day and came across a pink elephant with a spear sticking out of his foot. Being the kind hearted person I am, I pulled the spear out and the elephant said that he was a magic pink elephant and I could wish for whatever I wanted. So I said to him that I wanted a member as big as his, a wave of his trunk and there you go, just what I always wanted.
'Wow' says the guy and goes off and books a ticket for Africa that very day.
He goes off wandering through Africa and spends two years pulling spears out of elephants getting absolutely nowhere. Just as he is on his last legs and running out of money he sees a pink elephant with a spear stuck in its foot. 'I'm in luck' he says to himself, runs over and pulls the spear from the elephant's foot.
'I am a magic pink elephant' says the elephant 'and you can have whatever you wish for'.
'Terrific' says the guy 'I'll have a member just as big as yours'
The pink elephant waves its trunk and the guy splits in half.
There is this bloke and he's just come back from the Boer war and he's in a wheelchair and he's got no arms. He feels that he could really do with a root, so off he goes to the local house of ill repute.
The madam comes out and the bloke says to her 'I've just come back from the war and I could really use a good going over'.
To which the madam says 'What, with no arms?' What can you do?'
And the bloke says 'Well I pushed the door bell didn't I'.
An old guy of about 100 wanders up to the madam of the brothel and says to her 'I want a young chick to have a good time with'.
The madam turns to him and says 'Come on old man, you've had it'.
'Oh really', says the old bloke surprised, 'How much do I owe you'.
This guy goes out for a night on the town and while he is out there he meets up with this real scrubber, decides he can't really do any better and takes her back to his place for the night.
As they were stripping off the guy looks over at the girl and says 'I hope you don't think that I am weird or anything but I am a one-eyed Collingwood supporter and I have dyed one side of my pubes white and the other side black.'
'That's OK' says the girl, now totally naked 'I follow the footy too' and shows him her pubes of which one side is dyed black and the other side white.
'Oh' says the guy 'You barrack for Collingwood as well'
'No' she says, as she spreads her legs 'St. Kilda?.
This bloke is a bit of a deviate, so he goes into the local brothel and orders a hooker.
He straps the girl down to the bed and stars flicking the lights off and on calling out 'Lightning, lightning'.
The girl is getting a bit excited at this so she starts calling out to him to screw her.
The guy then pulls out a whip and starts cracking it in the air, with the lights still going on and off calling out 'Lightning, lightning, thunder, thunder'.
The girl is getting very exited at this stage and calls out to him to screw her silly.
While she is doing this the guys pulls out a water pistol (for want of a better word) and starts spraying the water around the room. with the lights going and the whip cracking all of the time calling out 'Lightning, thunder, lightning, rain, thunder, rain'.
At this stage the girl is extremely excited and calls out to the guy to hurry up and get stuck into her and do her properly.
At this the guy looks over at her and says 'What? In this weather?'
This bloke is a bit of a deviate so he goes down to the local brothel and says to the madam 'I want a girl who doesn't mind doing something weird'.
The madam says 'Sure thing boyo, go into room 3 and I'll send in one of our best'.
So the guy wanders down to room number 3 and waits for the girl.
In she comes, all dressed up in leather and things and the guy says to her ' I want to do something weird. Take all of your clothes off and stand on your head, facing the wall in the corner'.
The girl does this and about 20 minutes later she says 'Hey, I thought you were going to do something weird'.
To which the guy answers 'I did, I shit in your handbag'.
There is this convent and they are so poor that the Mother Superior decides that in order to make some money they should turn the convent into a brothel.
So the Mother Superior puts up a sign that says 'Sisters of Mercy Brothel'.
Within 10 minutes a guy comes wandering past and comes into the convent. He says to the sister working the reception desk, 'How much?' and the sister replies '$100.00 to get screwed'.
'Pretty good' says the guy and hands over $100.00.
'Go down this corridor, turn left, through the red door, up the stairs, through the green door, turn right, down the stairs and through the yellow door' says the sister.
So the guy follows the directions and ends up in the alley way out the back of the convent, looks up and there is a sign that says 'You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters Of Mercy'.
A Navy man, a Marine, and an Air Force man were driving together through the countryside, and had a flat tire. They soon discovered that the spare was unusable, so they walked to the nearby farmhouse to ask for help.
The farmer was very helpful. He got out his tractor and pulled the car into the yard. It was late, though, and the farmer suggested that the men stay over, and he would drive into town in the morning and have both tires fixed. And, since nothing was too good for the boys in uniform, he said they might sleep with his daughters.
On cue, out came his three lovely girls: Janet, 21: Jessica, 18: and Jennifer, 14.
'Take your pick, boys,' the farmer said, then went off to his own bed.
The three men looked at each other, none wanting to be the first.
Finally, the Airman, walked to Janet, offered his arm, and escorted her to bed.
Then, the Marine walked over to Jessica, took her hand, and went off to bed with her.
The Sailor picked up Jennifer, threw her over his shoulder, and carried her to her room.
In the morning, the farmer was up before the sun. He milked the cows and slopped the hogs and watched the sun rise. Then he went inside and made coffee and breakfast. He was reading the paper when the Airman came in. Boy, did he look sharp! His hair was combed and his uniform was pressed neatly. His shoes gleamed. He greeted the farmer, took a cup of coffee, helped himself to some bran flakes and sat down to read the business section.
Janet, the 21-year-old daughter, came sweeping in. She was bright-eyed and cheerful. The farmer asked her how it went. 'Oh, wonderful! We made love once. He left fifty dollars for me.'
Just then the Marine came in, and boy! did he look sharp! His creases were razor-sharp and his buttons were all polished. His shave was so close it was impossible to see he even had a beard. His ribbons were arranged in perfect rows. He greeted the farmer, helped himself to some orange juice and froot-loops and sat down to read the comics.
Jessica, the 18-year-old daughter came in. She was bright eyed and cheerful. The farmer asked her how it went. 'Oh, wonderful! We had sex three times. He left twenty dollars for me.'
Just then, the sailor came in and boy! did he look like shit! He could hardly keep his eyes open. His uniform was wrinkled, his shoes were scuffed. His hair was a wreck, and he needed a shave. His neckerchief was missing. He staggered to the fridge, took out a beer, and collapsed on the couch.
Jennifer, the 14-year-old daughter came in. She was blurry-eyed and dishevelled. The farmer asked it how it went. 'He fucked me eight times!' she exclaimed.
'What about money?' asked the farmer.
'Oh, yeah. I loaned him thirty bucks until payday.'
A bloke was going out with this sweet young thing and was doing pretty well for himself when she said 'STOP, NOT WITHOUT A CONDOM!'
He drives down to the local supermarket, races up to the toiletries section but can't find any so he queues up at the cash register. When his turn comes he realises that the cashier is a 'stunner'. He says to her, 'Do you sell Condoms here?'.
She replies, 'Yes. What size?'
He says 'I don't know'.
She replies 'Perhaps I can help there as I have had a fair bit of experience in these matters.'
With that, she leans over the counter, undoes his fly, puts her hand in for a bit of a feel, takes her hand out, leans over to the P.A. microphone and says 'Please bring one packet of one dozen condoms, size large, to Register 3.'
Once the condoms arrive, the man pays for them and leaves.
There was a young sailor who had witnessed all of this, so he jumps into the queue, and when he gets to the cash register he asks 'Do you sell condoms here?', to which the girl again replies, 'Yes, what size?'
He says 'I don't know' and she replies 'Well perhaps I can help here, as I have had a fair bit of experience in these matters.'
With that, she again leans over the counter, undoes the young sailor's fly, puts her hand in and has a bit of a feel around, takes her hand out and leans over to the P.A. microphone again and says 'Please bring one packet of one dozen condoms, size medium to Register 3'.
Once the condoms arrive the sailor pays for them and leaves.
There was, however, another witness. A 15 year old schoolboy, big, good looking and captain of the school football team who overheard and watched both conversations. He thinks 'I'll see what gives here' and so he lines up in the queue and when he gets to the cash register says in his deepest voice, 'Do you sell condoms here?'
The girl replies 'Yes what size?'
He says ' I don't know'.
She looks him up and down and says 'Well perhaps I can help there, as I have had a fair bit of experience in these matters.'
With that, she leans over the counter, undoes his fly, puts her hand in and has a bit of a feel, takes her hand out and leans over to the P.A. microphone and says 'Please bring a bucket and mop to Register 3'.
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says 'What do you want?'
The man says 'I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight'
The old Chinese man says 'I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grand daughter'
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying 'I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning'
The old Chinese man counters 'Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man.'
'Ok, Ok' the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grand daughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, 'Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.'
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying '1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest'.
'What a lame torture test' the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying '2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle'.
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying '3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost'.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear, ' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, 'and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
He observed, 'You all have obsessions.' To the first mother he said. 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second mum. 'You are obsessed with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third mum. 'Your obsessions is alcohol. It manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered 'Come on Dick, we're going home.'
ONE WOMAN'S SEARCH FOR TRUE LOVE
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.
I am now 40ish, and I'm looking for a guy with a big dick.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100-years-old having sex ... would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow and even, nothing too strenuous, ... simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.'
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, 'and, if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!'
Greg has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when there's a knock on his door. He opens it and sees a big, bearded Tasmanian standing there.
'Name's Jacko....Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge....Having a party Saturday ....Thought you might like to come.'
'Great,' says Greg, 'after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Jacko is leaving he stops. 'Gotta warn you there's gunna be some drinkin'.'
'Not a problem. After 25 years in business I can drink with the best of them.'
Again, as he starts to leave Jacko stops. 'More'n likely gunna be some fightin' too.'
'Well, I get along with people,' says Greg, 'I'll be there. Thanks again.'
Once again, Jacko turns from the door. 'I've seen some pretty wild sex at these parties, too.'
'Now that's not a problem,' says Greg, 'Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
Jacko stops at the door again and says, 'Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.'
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She goes completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' she screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids.'
Two old Ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a camel. The pharmacist fainted
A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'
'Oh I see,' replied the boys pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package.'
The Dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'
'Cool!' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
'Those are for college boys.' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'
One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, 'Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun'
The woman agrees, so they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing her hands and fingernails. She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes before finally going into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, 'You're a surgeon, aren't you?'
'Yeah, how did you know?'
'I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.'
'Oh, that makes sense,' says the woman. 'You're an anesthetist, aren't you?'
'Yeah,' says the man, a bit taken aback. 'How did you know?'
The woman answers, 'I didn't feel a fucking thing.'
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers' license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.'