After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her:
'Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you.'
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
'This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?'
'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her.
'Which word?' the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled 'l-o-v-e,' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?'
'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her. 'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?'
'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.
'Which word?' her husband asked.
An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks the priest if he has ever been fishing before, to which the priest says 'No'.
He baits the hook for the priest and says, 'Give it a shot father'.
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a fish and struggles to get it into the boat.
The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says 'Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!'
Priest: 'Uh, please, the lord is watching would you please mind your language?'
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) 'I'm sorry father, but that's what the fish is called - a fucker!'
Priest: 'Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know.' After the trip the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: 'Look at this big fucker'
Bishop: 'Please, mind your language, this is a house of God.'
Priest: 'No, you don't understand - that's what the fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!'
Bishop: 'Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner.'
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.
Bishop: 'Could you please cook this fucker for dinner tonight?'
Mother Superior: 'My Lord, what language!'
Bishop: ' No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a fucker!, Father caught it, I cleaned, and we'd like you to cook it.'
Mother Superior: 'Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that fucker tonight.'
Well the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: 'I caught the fucker!'
Bishop: 'And I cleaned the fucker!'
Mother Superior: 'And I cooked the fucker!'
There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet on the table, lights up a cigarette, pours himself a large whisky and says, 'You know what? You cunts are alright!'
On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple finds itself sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him.
St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sits and waits for an answer . . . for a couple of months. While they wait, they discuss that IF they are allowed to get married in Heaven, : SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. : 'What if it doesn't work?' they wonder, : 'Are we stuck together FOREVER?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. : 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you MAY get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering... what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asks the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!' St. Peter shouts, : 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ????'
One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
'Welcome to Heaven,' said St. Peter. 'Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in' said the woman. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.'
'Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven', said the woman.
'Sorry, we have rules...' And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends- fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling religion and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates, where she
found St. Peter waiting for her. 'Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,' he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
'So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,' he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought I'd say this, I : mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.'
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. : She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks, The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
'I don't understand,' stammered the woman, 'yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'
The Devil looked at her and smiled. 'Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff...'
A guy from KFC arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, 'Your Holiness, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church'.
The Pope responds saying, 'That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.'
'Well,' says the KFC man, 'we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'
Again the Pope replies 'That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed'.
Finally, the KFC guy says, 'This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' and he leaves.
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.
'The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.'
'The bad news is that we are losing The Tip Top bread Account!'
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the email address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen :
Dearest wife, :
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.
And then, all the other bells started to ring..........
This couple was crossing the desert with a camel. The lady was pregnant and riding the camel. All of a sudden, they were stopped by an Israeli patrol.
The soldiers asked for some identification. The soldiers looked at the IDs and saw that the man was Joseph, and the lady was Mary.
So they asked the couple where they were going. They replied 'Jerusalem.'
The two soldiers looked at each other and grinned, 'Yea, and I guess your going to name the baby Jesus?'
The couple replied, ' What. We look Puerto Rican???
There was a little Calabrian boy named Mario who lived in Sicily with his mother and father. He was a very religious little boy and kept a statue of the Baby Jesus and a picture of the Virgin Mary on his desk.
It was nearly Christmas so Mario decided to write to the Baby Jesus. (Imagine a very thick Calabrian accent here)
He began his letter 'Dear Baby Jesus, For Christmas I would like a brand new shiny red bicycle. In return for this I will be good for one whole week.' He sat back and thought about this 'I have to be good from the time I get up till the time I go to bed. No, I can't do that.' So he screwed up the piece of paper and started again.
'Dear Baby Jesus. For Christmas I would like a brand new shiny red bicycle. In return for this I will be good for three days. ' He sat back and thought about this again. 'Mm, from the time I get up till the time I go to bed. No I can't do that.' He screwed up that piece of paper and started again.
'Dear Baby Jesus. For Christmas I would like a brand new shiny red bicycle. In return for this I will be good for one whole day.' He thought about this for a while. 'From the time I get up till the time I go to bed. That's a very long time.' He screwed up the piece of paper and threw it away.
Mario picked up the picture of the Virgin Mary and put it in his desk drawer and locked it with a key. He started his letter again 'Dear Baby Jesus, If you ever want to see your mother alive again...'
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. 'Reverend,' she said, 'I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?'
'I have an idea,' said the minister. 'Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.'
In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. 'And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice for you?' he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. 'Jesus!' Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. 'Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,' said the minister.
Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. 'Who is your redeemer?' he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. 'God!' Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
'Right again,' said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, 'And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 2nd son?' Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, 'You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!!'
A son asked his father if he could borrow the car. He replied, 'Son, your hair is too long. You can't borrow the car, unless you get your hair cut.'
The son said, 'But Dad, Jesus had long hair, too' to which his father replied, 'Yes, and he WALKED everywhere!'
Jesus, Paul Keating and John Hewson are standing near the Sea of Galilee. They see a man with a sign that says '10 Minute boat ride $500'.
Jesus being Jewish says 'I'm not paying that' and walks across the water.
Paul Keating being the former Treasurer says 'I'm not paying that if it's not rebateable' and follows Jesus across the water.
John Hewson being a GST man says 'I'm not paying 15% on top of that' and follows Paul across the water only to disappear with a great splash.
Jesus turns to Paul and says 'Did you see that? Why didn't he use the stepping stones'.
To which Paul replies 'What stepping stones ?'
A man is walking near the Sea of Galilee and sees a sign that says '10 Minute boat ride $500'.
He walks over to the man with the sign and says 'Are really offering a 10 minute boat ride for $500' and the guy says 'yes' .
As the man walks off he says 'No bloody wonder Jesus walked'.
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while Saint Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Pete goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD deed, you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my to see what was going on and, sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'
St. Peter, impressed, says 'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about five minutes ago.'
So the Pope arrives at New York's Kennedy Airport, fully attired in his Papal regalia.
He gets into a limo and laments to his driver that the biggest drawback of being Pope is that he has trouble doing fun things.
Pope: You know, I haven't driven a car in 15 years. You think that maybe I could drive this limo around town a bit?
Driver: I could get fired for doing this.
Pope: Just 15 minutes.
So the Pope gets behind the wheel and dons the chauffeur's hat. Five minutes later a police car pulls him aside for reckless driving. The cop immediately begins writing a ticket and then freezes as soon as he recognises the driver.
The cop returns to his car to call his captain.
Cop: I gotta big problem. I started writing this ticket and then I discover I'm ticketing a very important, I mean very important, person.
Capt: So who is this very important person, you gotta call me at 2 am.? Who is it, Mayor Guiliani?
Cop: No much more important.
Capt: So who is it? Mario Cuomo or Bill Clinton?
Cop: No much bigger.
Capt: So who, Frank Sinatra, Pavorati, who??
Cop: Captain, I dunno who da hell this guy is. But I tell ya this, this guy is so BIG, he has the Pope driving' for him!!!!
A millionaire who's a devout Catholic decides to go on a luxury trip to the Vatican City to see the Pope in person. He flies out to Rome first class and arrives in that St Peter's Square to listen to the Pope address the faithful.
Afterwards, the Pope comes among the people to meet and greet and deliver his blessings.
The millionaire is standing there, near the front, wearing his finest Armani suit and his best gold jewellery and his chest puffs up as the Pope approaches.
However, the Pope stops just before him and starts talking to a stinking, scruffy old tramp who was standing nearby.
The Pontiff put his hand on the tramp's shoulder and whispers in his ear, then leaves him and walks straight past the millionaire.
The rich guy was gutted so he found the tramp and said 'Look, if I give you my clothes, can I have yours?'
The tramp agreed and so the next day, the millionaire, in his smelly rags, awaited his audience with the Pope.
Once again, the Il Papa came among the people, saw the millionaire, unrecognisable through the grime, put his hand on his shoulder and whispered in his ear, 'I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday'.
Pope John Paul is in a public shithouse having a wank Anyway his right arm is going like a ferret as he has a five knuckle shuffle, anyway he's shot his wad and he's in mid flight just as somebody kicks open the toilet door and snaps a picture of him with his beef bayonet in his hand.
Quickly he puts down his robe (after wiping excess spunk of his bell end) and chases after the guy with the camera. He eventually catches the guy and offers to buy the camera from him.
The guy says, 'How much are you going to offer me?'.
The Pope replies, 'How much do you want?'.
The guy says, 'I want a million bucks!'.
'Fuck me', the Pope says, 'That's expensive you robbing bastard!', he goes on.
'Take it or leave it!', the guy exclaims.
'I'll take it', says the Pope, 'But your a fucking robbing cunt charging that much'.
The Pope writes him a check and goes off with the camera but who should he bump in to but mother superior!.
'That's a mighty nice camera you've got there John, how much did you pay for it', she asks.
'I'm not going to lie to you, I paid a million bucks for it', the Pope replies honestly!
'Fuck me - somebody saw you coming!', replies mother superior.
The Pope is sitting in the Vatican with one of his Bishops and says 'Youa knowa, I ama de Pope and I neva get to hava sex witha anyone'.
The Bishop says to the Pope 'You know Pope, you are right. I can get you a girl for the weekend if you want'.
'OK' says the Pope, 'But there are three aconditions. Onea. She musta be blind so thata she can nevera see who did this thinga to her. Twoa. She must be deafa so that she can neva hear who has done this to her.'
'And the third thing' says the Bishop.
'She musta have the bigga tits'.
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
'This is exciting,' thought the gentleman. 'I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.' Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
'This is fantastic,' thought the gentleman. 'I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.'
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, 'Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?'
Only one word leapt to mind... 'My goodness,' thought the gentleman, 'I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another.' The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, 'I think you're looking for the word 'Aunt'.'
'Of course,' said the Pope. 'Do you have an eraser?'
Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo.
The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, leapt to the ground and ravished her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.
The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said, 'We shall never talk about this, agreed?' The other young nun consented.
Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friend, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her friend, ' I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one question.'
The other nun stared and said, 'O.K., one question!'
The other nun stammered, then asked, 'Did it hurt?'
'Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called..., he never phoned..., he never sent flowers...!'
A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, 'Good morning sisters' and they reply in a sing song manner, 'You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.'
This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He wondered why they thought he grumpy. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, 'Good morning Brother.'
The Brother replies in a sing song voice, 'You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.' The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.
He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, 'Good morning Father.' the priest replies in a sing song manner, 'You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.' Now the priest was mad.
He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, 'Father ...' The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, 'No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.'
The bishop looks at him stunned and says 'What?' The priest realized his mistake and said 'I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want.' The bishop looks at him and says, 'All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?'
A nun and a priest are wandering, lost, in the desert, when all of a sudden their camel up and dies. Seeing nothing but sand around them for miles, they prepare themselves to meet their Maker.
The Priest, knowing that he's mere hours away from death, says:
'You know, I've never seen a woman's breasts before. Since it probably won't matter any more soon anyways, would you show me yours?'
The nun agrees, and shows him.
He asks, 'May I touch them?'
She agrees, and he tells her with complete sincerity that they're very nice.
Next, the nun says that she's never seen a man's penis before, and would he mind showing her his. He agrees, and whips it out.
'That's very nice!' She says. 'May I touch it?'
He agrees, and she fondles him, resulting, of course, in a big stiffy.
The priest, now overcome with years of pent-up lust, says: 'You know, if I put my penis in the right place, it can give life!'
She asks, 'Is that so?'
'Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here!'
A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son...Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-Roms, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enrol their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass. The whole shootin' match.
Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.
They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card - unopened in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!?
Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red 'A' under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!
'Was it the nuns that did it?', the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, 'No.'
'Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?', asked the mother.
Again, the boy shrugged, 'No.'
'The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?', asked the father.
'Nope,' said the son. 'It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!'
'How so?', asked his mom.
'When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!'
A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high ,voice, 'Could you please take me to Times Square?'
In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabby initiates conversation, 'Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?'
The nun says, 'Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?'
The cabby, 'About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never think about doin' it?'
The nun, 'Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand.'
The cabby, 'Well, wouldya ever consider, you know, doin'it?'
The nun, 'Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it.'
The cabby, 'Well what would dose conditions happen to be?'
The nun, 'Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he could have no children.'
The cabby, 'Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why do youse come on up here I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me.'
The nun looks around, they are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her, at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab and the cabby is smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun hears the cabby begin to laugh. The nun inquires, 'Why, my son, what is so humorous?'
The cabby sneers, 'Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and got four kids.'
And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response, 'Yeah, well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party.'
The Seven Dwarfs go to Rome to have an audience with the Pope. They get introduced to the Pontiff, and take it in turns to ask his Holiness various questions.
When Dopey finally gets a chance to put a question, he asks: 'Are there any dwarf nuns?'
The Pope is a bit taken aback by this question. He has been asked all sorts of things in his time, but never anything like this. 'I don't think so, my son' said the Pope.
The other dwarfs were standing behind Dopey, sniggering and giggling.
'Oh', said Dopey. 'Well, what about really small nuns, under four feet tall?'
'I don't recall seeing any nuns that were under four feet tall' said the Pope.
The other dwarfs were starting to choke and roll about the floor laughing.
'Well', said Dopey. 'What about just over four feet tall. Say about four feet and one inch?'
'The shortest nun that I know about is five feet two inches tall. We don't have any nuns shorter than that!' said the Pope, getting a bit annoyed.
The other dwarfs couldn't contain themselves any longer. They started chanting 'Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!'
A bus load of nuns was travelling to see the Pope, and they had to make an overnight stop at a small inn on the way. The inn was nearly full, but there was enough room for the nuns if they went two to a room. One couple had to share a double bed in a room.
One of these two nuns turned to the other who was sharing with her and said 'Can I be frank with you? I'm a lesbian - I hope that doesn't make you feel too uncomfortable.'
The other nun said back, 'No - but if you're Frank tonight can I be Frank tomorrow night?'
Two nuns are driving through the country when a little devil pops up and jumps on their bonnet.
One of the nuns is really nervous but the other says 'Don't worry, wind down the window and show him your cross'.
So the nun winds down the window and calls out 'Hey, shithead, get the fuck off my car'.
A man and his girlfriend were making hot, passionate love in his Buick's back seat. The couple had gotten into the act so intensely, that they had to a snack-break.
The man was SO hungry that he couldn't wait to put his clothes back on. He ran from his car to the nearest candy machine he could find to get two candy bars (one for him, one for his girl.).
On his way to the machine, he passed a convent.
On the way back to the car, he heard three nuns approaching from ahead. He searched frantically for a place to hide. He spotted a creeping ivy on the wall of the convent, so he hid behind it. Unfortunately, his dick was not hidden by the ivy.
As the nuns approached, they noticed his dick, but they did not 'know' what it was. They first nun pulled on it, and the man handed out one candy bar.
The next nun went up and pulled, and the man handed out the other candy bar.
After seeing what the other two nuns had received, the third nun went up and pulled. Nothing happened. So she pulled again. After several pulls, she ran to catch up with the other nuns.
They were discussing what they had received. The first two nuns were happy to have received a midnight snack.
But the third nun was extremely happy. She exclaimed 'You may have got candy bars, but I got hand lotion!'
There are these nuns in the convent and they are discussing future careers with the convents' girls.
One of the nuns says to the first girl 'What do you what to be when you grow up?'
And the little girl says to the nun 'I want be a nun when I grow up'.
'That's very good' says the nun, 'What about you?', looking at another little girl.
'I want to be social worker', says the next little girl.
'That's wonderful' says the nun, 'that's a very noble career to choose'.
'Any what about you dear ?' says the nun to the third little girl.
'When I grow up I want to be prostitute', says the little girl.
'A WHAT ?' cries the nun.
'A prostitute' says the little girl.
'Oh, thank God', says the nun, 'for a minute there I thought you said a Protestant'.
A nun wanders into a bottle shop and asks for a bottle of whisky.
The owner looks at her and says 'I thought nuns didn't drink'.
The nun replied that 'it was for Mother Superiors constipation'.
Out she goes with the bottle and about 10 minutes later another nun comes in and orders a bottle of gin.
The owner looks at her and says 'I thought nuns stayed away from alcohol'.
The nun says 'Oh, it's for Mother Superiors constipation'.
Out she goes with the bottle and about 20 minutes later another nun comes in and asks for a bottle of vodka.
'Don't tell me' says the owner 'It's for Mother Superior constipation'
'That's right' says the nun and off she goes with the bottle.
Later that night the owner shuts up shop and starts to walk home. As he gets around the corner of the shop there are the three nuns, absolutely plastered, pissed as mutes, really rat-shit.
He goes up to one and says 'Hey, I thought that stuff was for the Mother Superiors constipation'.
And one of the nun slurs 'It is. When she sees us like this, boy is she going to crack the shits'.
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, 'Bless me, Father, for I have sinned: I have been with a loose woman'.
The Priest says, 'Is that you, Tommy?'
'Yes father, it's me.'
'Who was the woman you were with?'
'I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
The priest asks, 'Was it Brenda O'Malley?' 'No, Father.'
'Was it Fiona MacDonald?' 'No.'
'Was it Ann Brown?' 'No.'
'Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?' 'No, Father.'
'Was it Amy Thomas?' 'No, Father.'
'Was it little Cathy Morgan?' 'NO, Father! I cannot tell you.'
The priest finally says, 'Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat.'
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and whispers, 'What happened?!'
'Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary's and six good leads.'
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, 'Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 13 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.'
The priest said 'Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?'
'Never Father, I'm Jewish.'
'So then, why are you telling me?'
'I'm telling everybody.'
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is placed at normal adult height, and the little fellow just can't reach. After watching the boy's sorry efforts for some time as he moves closer to the boy's position, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing one hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, 'And now what, my little man?'
To which the urchin replies, 'Now we run like Hell!'
A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, 'I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.'
'Do you think it will work?' she asks the doctor.
'It's worth a try,' he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, 'Father, you're not going to believe this.'
'What?' says the priest. 'What happened?'
'You gave birth to a child.'
'But that's impossible'
'I just did the operation,' insists the doctor. 'It's a miracle Here's your baby.'
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, 'Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father.'
The son says, 'What do you mean, you're not my father?'
'No', says the priest. 'I am your mother, the Archbishop is your father.
An Irish priest and a rabbi have a head-on collision. The priest regains consciousness first and gets out of his car. He pulls the Rabbi out of his car and helps him to the side of the road.
The priest says, 'Sit still, Rabbi. I've got something in my glove compartment that will help ye.' The priest brings back a bottle of Irish whiskey and tells the Rabbi, 'Take a good, long drink Rabbi. It will clear your head'.
The Rabbi takes a healthy swig and, looking to thank the priest, exclaims, 'My God Father, you look in terrible shape, too! Aren't you going to have a drink?
'Aye, I'll be having me a drink', replies the priest, 'directly after the police file the accident report.'
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him and there would be a loud 'THUMP,' and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, 'Where are you going, Father?'
'I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road,' replied the priest.
'No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck'. The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud 'THUD.'
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, 'I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.'
'That's okay,' replied the priest, 'I got him with the door!'
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, 'It's dark in here, isn't it?
'Yes it is,' the man replies.
'You wanna buy a baseball?' the little boy asks.
'No thanks,' the man replies.
'I think you do want to buy a baseball,' the little extortioner continues.
'OK. How much?' the man replies after considering the position he is in.
Twenty-five dollars,' the little boy replies.
'TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!' the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
'It's dark in here, isn't it?' the boy starts off.
'Yes it is,' replies the man.
'Wanna buy a baseball glove?' the little boy asks.
'OK. How much?' the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. 'Fifty dollars,' the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says 'Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.'
'I can't. I sold them,' replies the little boy.
'How much did you get for them?' asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
'Seventy-five dollars,' the little boy says.
'SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says 'It's dark in here, isn't it?'
'Don't you start that shit in here now,' the priest says.
Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children.
The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The doctor yells out, ' Save the children'
The lawyer yells out 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'
The priest yells out 'IS THERE TIME?'
Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles.
The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing?
Little Johnny replied, 'I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world.'
The Priest said, 'But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy'.
Little Johnny said, 'Big deal. This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'
One day a Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each Sabbath.
The Priest said, 'What I do is I draw a line down the centre of the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands on the left is God's, whatever lands on the right is mine.'
The Preacher said, 'Well I do almost the same thing only I draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is mine and the rest belongs to God.'
The Rabbi says, 'No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, God, Take what you want. Whatever comes back down is mine.'
A new priest had just moved into town and he was sitting in the confessional when a bloke walks in and says 'Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I engaged in oral sex with my wife'
The priest being new to the area didn't know what the old priest had dealt out to such sinners so he goes out to one of the alter boys and says 'What did the old Father give for a head job'.
And the alter boy says 'Oh, usually 50 cents'.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip.'
So the next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door.
Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, 'Take this and eat it, for it is my body', he did not say, 'Eat me.'
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, 'Mary with the Cherry'.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: 'Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God'
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, 'Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.' So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, 'So, how's it going down there in Hell?'
Satan replies, 'Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.'
God replies, 'What?? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there: send him up here.'
Satan says, 'No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.'
God says, 'Send him back up here or I'll sue!'
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, 'Yeah, right. And just where are you going to find a lawyer up there?'
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, 'Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!'
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, 'Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive....'
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray........... 'God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto'.
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue. 'God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well'.
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue. 'My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car, and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???'.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
'JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ......... BUY A BLOODY TICKET'.
A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, 'Is God male or female?'
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, 'Well God is both male and female.'
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, 'Is God black or white?'
'Well, God is both black and white.'
This further confuses the boy so he asks, 'Is God gay or straight?'
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, 'Honey, God is both gay and straight.'
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
'Is God Michael Jackson?'
A man is talking to God and asks him: 'God, why did you make women so beautiful?', to which God replies: 'so that you would find them attractive'. Then the man asks: 'God, but why did you have to make them so dumb?'. To which God replies: 'So that they would find you attractive!'
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God.'
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, 'I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.'
'Very good,' said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. 'Oh no,' she thought, 'I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?'
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, 'Your feet.' The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, 'Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour, he was told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon (thousand years) or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent 'Easy Reading' to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, 'An 'R'! They left out the 'R'.'
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, 'It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!'
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.
'I've got some good news and some bad news', God said.
Adam looked at God and said, 'Well, give me the good news first.'
Smiling, God explained, 'I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your own intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.'
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, 'These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?'
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, 'The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.'
Moses went back up the mountain and called to God 'Excuse me God. I just want to get this straight. The Arabs get the all the oil and we get to cut the ends off our what ??'
A little boy statue and a little girl statue had stood in the local park for one hundred years. A bolt of lightening and a clap of thunder announced the voice of God.
'Statues you have served the community well and are truly loved. I will grant you 15 minutes of life! Spend it well!'
The two statues looked at each other, giggled, and ran off into the bushes. Much laughter and groaning could be heard from the bushes.
At 14 minutes God spoke and warned the statues that they only had 1 minute left.
The two statues looked at each other, the little girl statue said 'Should we do it again?'
The little boy responded 'yes, but this time you hold the Pigeon and I'll shit on it!'
People in a room doing bible study. A girl in the front row is being harassed by a brat behind her. Teach at the head of the class starts asking questions.
'What is god's son's name ?'.
At that moment the brat pokes the girl with a sharp pencil and she jumps up and yells... 'JESUS CHRIST'.
'Well done', Says the Teacher, 'And what is Gods full name ?'.
Again the brat Pokes the girl, making her jump stating ' GOD ALL MIGHTY !'.
'Very good, correct, ', says Teacher. 'Now class, what was the last think that Eve said to Adam in the garden of Eden ?'.
The Girl jumps up and yells, 'If you poke me with that thing one more time I'll jam the fucking thing up your ass !.'
Adam was in the garden of Eden, and God came up to him and said, 'Adam. I see that you are lonely. I will create you a companion. One that will be smart, beautiful and intelligent. One with whom you will be have meaningful conversations with. One who will understand you. I will create for you a companion, a mate. And I will call her 'woman'.'
Adam eyed God suspiciously and said, 'That all sounds so good, but how much will it cost me?'
God replied, 'Oh, only an arm and a leg.'
Adam looked at his arms and legs, then said, 'Well, what can I get for a rib?'
Remember when the big floods hit, not all that long ago ? Well I remember driving past the local church and there was the Father standing on the steps of the church with the water lapping his toes, so I called to him to get into the 4WD and we would take him off to safety.
'No', said the Father. 'My first duty is to my parishioners and the Church. God will provide'.
So off we went.
A few hours later we passed the church again, this time in a powerboat, and there was the Father on top of the church with the water inches from the roof. Again, I suggested he climb into the boat and we would take him to safety.
'No', said the Father. 'My first duty is to my parishioners and the Church. God will provide'.
So off we went.
Another few hours later we flew over the church in a helicopter and there is the Father hanging on for dear life from the church steeple. We threw down a rope and called out for him to grab hold and we would take him off to safety.
'No', said the Father. 'My first duty is to my parishioners and the Church. God will provide'.
So off we went.
A little while later the water rose even higher and the poor Father was swept from the steeple and was drowned.
Turning up at the Pearly Gates he demanded to see God himself. When he is finally announced to God the Father says 'God, I don't understand. I have been good to my parishioners, I have been good to the church and I never stopped believing in you, but the water rose higher and higher, I thought you would provide'.
And God replied 'What do you mean. I sent you a 4WD, a boat and helicopter'.
Three guys died and went to heaven.
Now there is a decision made by God that if you were very good in your life time and didn't fool around behind your partners back it would be recognised in heaven.
The first guy proceeded to the pearly gates and explained that he had been good on earth and loved his with dearly, St Peter checked the ledger for conduct, was pretty happy with this guys performance and awarded him with a Mercedes Benz to travel around heaven in.
The second guy went through the same procedure except he felt he could have been a bit better to his colleagues and did have one affair, so he was awarded a Volkswagon.
Now the third guy was a complete mongrel in his life time, playing around and being a general bastard, so he was awarded with a scooter.
Now one day the guy in the Mercedes was seen at a set of lights bawling his eyes out by the guy on the scooter. 'I can't see why your crying you've got a lovely Mercedes I should be the one that is crying'.
'You think that's bad', says the guy in the Mercedes, 'I've just seen my wife up here on a bloody skateboard'!!!
Adam and Eve were having sex in the Garden of Eden when God comes along.
Adam sits down with God and God says to Adam 'Where is Eve going?'
To which Adam replies 'She's going for a swim'.
To which God says 'Jeez, I hope the fish don't end up smelling like that'.
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets was to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven.
On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why's that? It's not that great
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: Sorry, Your Holiness, You're a day late.
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, 'Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.'
So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, 'I wanna hang with Adam, the first man.' So, the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, 'Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?'
Adam says yes. 'Well,' says Ford, 'You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there's too much front end protrusion. 2. it chatters at high speeds. 3. the rear end wobbles too much. 4. and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
'Hmmm...', says Adam, 'hold on.' So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few key strokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
He then says to Henry Ford, 'It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.'
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
'I don't understand,' he complained to Saint Peter. 'I devoted my entire life to my congregation.'
'Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,' Saint Peter explained.
'Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?'
'Well,' the minister had to admit, 'some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.'
'Exactly,' said Saint Peter. 'And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.'
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
'Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call: I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.'
Bill replied, 'Well, what's the difference between the two?'
St. Peter said, 'I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.'
'Fine, but where should I go first?'
'I'll leave that up to you.'
'Okay then,' said Bill, 'Let's try Hell first.'
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining: the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
'This is great!' he told St. Peter. 'If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!'
'Fine,' said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
'Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell,' he told St. Peter.
'Fine,' retorted St. Peter, 'as you desire.'
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
'How's everything going?' he asked Bill.
Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, 'This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???'
'That was a demo,' replied St. Peter.
St. Peter had been busy all day checking people into heaven, and really had to use the restroom. Jesus came through and asked him how he was doing, and Peter told Him of his plight.
'No problem, Peter, just tell me what I need to do.'
'Well, Lord, all you need to do is to ask them what they did in life and if they left any family behind.'
'OK, Peter, take your time, I'll take it from here.'
A few minutes later, an old man came up to the desk.
'What did you do in life?'
'I was a woodworker.'
This took Jesus somewhat by surprise. 'Did you have any family?'
'Yes, just one son.'
'One son? Did he have any identifying marks?'
'Yes, he had Nails in his hands and feet.'
Jesus could contain himself no longer. 'DAD?'
The old man brightened. 'PINOCCHIO?'
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says 'I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?'
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, 'What's up with these clocks?'
St. Peter explains, 'Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.'
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, 'Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.'
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the centre of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, 'What's the story with that clock?'
'Oh, that,' St. Peter replies, 'That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan.'
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, 'Where is Jesus today?'
Steven raised his hand and said, 'He's in heaven.'
Mary was called on and answered, 'He's in my heart.'
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, 'I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!'
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, 'Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!'
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, 'Mom, what are those things on your chest!?' Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget however. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, 'Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mummy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven.' Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny's' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, 'Daddy! Daddy! Mummy's dying!!'
His father says, 'Calm down son! Why do you think Mummy's dying?'
'Uncle Harry is blowing up Mummy's' balloons and she's screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming!'
A young kid was walking down the road with his father when they saw a dead sparrow lying upside down on the pavement.
'Daddy, why is the bird lying there?'
'Because it's dead, son' answered the father.
'Why is it lying with its feet in the air?'
Dad was a bit stumped. 'That is so Jesus can come down, pick it up and carry it to heaven.'
They walked along a bit, then the boy said 'Mummy nearly died yesterday.'
'What do you mean?' asked the father.
'Well, when I got home from school yesterday, she was lying on the bed with her legs in the air, and she was shouting `Jesus, I'm coming!'. If the milkman hadn't been lying on top of her we'd have lost her for sure!'
A carpenter a preacher and a politician die and go to heaven at the same time. They are waiting at the pearly gates and Saint Peter looks over the top and says 'I would let you in but the gate is broken'.
The carpenter looks at it and says 'No problem, I can fix it for ya it will cost you $10, $5 for parts, and $5 for labour '.
Saint Peter said 'OK then what about you preacher ?'
The preacher said 'I will do it for $20, $10 for the orphans and $10 for the church'.
Saint Peter says 'Hum then OK but what about you politician'.
The politician said right off that he would do it for $110.
Saint Peter said 'Why so much ?'
And the politician says leaning close '$50 for me $50 for you and I can get the carpenter to do it for $10'.
St. Peter is greeting all of the people as they come up to enter heaven and stops this one woman and says to her, 'Before you can enter Heaven, you must cleanse yourself wherever a man has touched you', so the woman dabs her fingers into the holy water and wipes her lips.
St Peter says to the next woman in line, Before you can enter Heaven, you must cleanse yourself wherever a man has touched you', so the woman dives head first into the holy water and starts splashing water all over her body.
At this, the next woman in line leans over to St. Peter and says 'Boy I hope she doesn't piss in there, I've got to drink that when she's finished'.
St. Peter is greeting all of the people as they come up to enter heaven and stops this one woman and says to her, 'Before you can enter Heaven, you must cleanse yourself wherever a man has touched you', so the woman dabs her fingers into the holy water and wipes her lips.
St Peter says to the next woman in line, Before you can enter Heaven, you must cleanse yourself wherever a man has touched you', so the woman puts he first into the holy water and washes her whole hand.
Before St. Peter can get to the next woman, the fourth woman in line says 'Can I go next ?'
And St. Peter says to her 'Why ?'
And the woman says back to St. Peter 'I just want to rinse my mouth out before she stick her bum in there'.
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, 'Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?'
So the first man replies: 'Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it any more, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.'
'That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,' said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
'It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here.' Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
'Picture this,' says the third man, 'I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator...'
A retiring rabbi takes the memento's of his life's work (a huge jar of preserved foreskin's) into a local leatherworker.
The rabbi is about 80 so it is a very big jar.
He explains to the leatherworker that he would like something special made out of them.
A week later when he arrives to collect the finished article, he is stunned to be handed a small wallet.
'What?' he cries, 'that jar was my life's work and all you can make is one tiny wallet!'
'Ahhhh,' says the leatherworker, 'but stroke it and it turns into a suitcase'.
God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his ball up and hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred yards down the fairway.
Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it. At first it looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden, it hooked and started for the woods. Just before it went into the woods, a bird flew out and grabbed the ball and flew over the water trap and let it go. Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball landed on its back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the ball in the cup.
St. Peter turned to God and said, 'Are we gonna play golf, or are you gonna Fuck around'.
A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the men is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head down in prayer.
His friend says, 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man shrugs then replies, 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'
A catholic, a Mormon and an Arab were playing golf and bragging about their family.
The catholic boasted that he had 4 kids, his wife was pregnant and soon he would have his own basketball team.
The Mormon replied: 'that's nothing, we have 10 kids. One more and I'll have a football team!!!
'You guys have no vision' declared the Arab. 'I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have my own golf course!!!!'
One day, this fellow was out playing golf. He was having a terrible game, as usual. On the 10th hole, he shanks his ball deep into the woods. He goes stumbling through the thick brush until he finds his ball and there sitting on a rock beside it is a goblin. The man says to the goblin 'Aha! Now that I found you you must grant me a wish'.
The little fellow says 'Ok, but I must warn you, there is always a price to pay even for a wish.'
The golfer says, 'That's Ok, my wish is to be a really great golfer'.
The goblin says, 'Fine, but it will ruin you sex life'. The golfer doesn't care and accepts the terms.
The golfer then continues on with his game and has a fantastic round. He enters a few local tournaments and wins. He becomes a high raked amateur and wins. About a year later he is play the same course again and suddenly, on the 10th hole he hooks his ball into the same woods. Sure enough, there is the same little fellow waiting beside his ball.
The goblin asks him,' Well, how are you enjoying your wish?'.
The golfer says, 'It has been really great, I'm having the time of my life!'.
Then the leprechaun asks, 'Aye, but how is your sex life?'.
The man says, ' Well, I've only had sex 2 or 3 times in the past year'.
The leprechaun smiles and says, 'See, I told you it would ruin your sex life'.
But the golfer says 'Gee, I don't know, 2 or 3 times is pretty good for a priest with a small parish like mine!'
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi greenkeeper, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
Greenkeeper: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
A man walked up to a priest in a confession booth and said, 'Father, I have sinned. I have taken the Lord's name in vain.'
'Ah, I see and how, pray tell, did this happen?'
'Well, I was out golfing yesterday afternoon, and it was the last hole of the game. I took a swing, and the ball just missed the fairway by five feet and went smack dab into the middle of a clump of bushes.'
'Ah.. Is that when you took the Lord's name in vain?'
'No, father. It turned out the ball was just in a good enough position to hit it onto the green. So I took a swing at it, and it was a great shot, but all of the sudden, a gust of wind came up and it looked as if it had landed in the water hazard.'
'Oh, I see. Is that when you took the Lord's name in vain?'
'No, father, there's more. You see, it turns out the ball landed just inches from the water, so I took another swing, and it landed on the green, but rolled off into the sand trap.'
'Ah, yes. Very interesting! Is this when you took the Lord's name in vain?'
'No, father. You see, I took a shot at the ball in the sand and it made a brilliant shot that landed just four inches from the hole.'
'Jesus Christ, don't tell me you missed a fucking four inch putt!!'
Moses, Jesus, and this other guy are playing a threesome in Heaven one day. They step up to a difficult par 3 with water in front of the green. Moses hits first, and dribbles one off the tee down toward the water. Just as it gets to the edge, the waters' part and the ball runs across and onto the green.
Jesus steps up and dubs one down toward the water's edge. Just at the last moment, his ball 'walks on water' and ends up on the green.
The last guys steps up and shanks' one down toward the water as well. A rabbit grabs the ball in his mouth and drops it in the pond, where a fish takes the ball in his mouth and swims toward the green. Just then, an owl swoops down out of the sky to take the ball from the fish. He flies over the cup and drops the ball in the hole for a miraculous hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to the guy and says 'Nice shot, Dad'.
A priest went golfing with a nun as his caddie. He is on the 3rd hole and he's 4 inches from the hole, but he missed.
He mumbles, 'Fucking shit I missed'.
The nun gasps and says, 'Watch your language'.
The priest goes to the 4th hole, he's 3 inches, but he missed.
He said, 'Fucking shit I missed'.
The nun gasps and says, ' The Lord will get you if you aren't careful'.
The priest goes to the 5th hole and is 2 inches from the hole, but missed.
He screams, ' FUCKING SHIT I MISSED'.
Then a big bolt of lightning comes down and nearly hits the priest.
Then a big voice comes from Heaven that says, 'Fucking shit I missed'.
There is this avid golfer and unfortunately (for him) he dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and they go for a wander around, St. Peter showing him the sights.
The guy looks around at the sights that they see but can't wait until they get the golf courses.
As they wander around the golf courses the guy's eyes nearly pop out of his head. There lying in front of him are the best courses he has ever seen in his life. Long courses, short courses, water courses, desert courses even a course made up of islands.
As this guy is an avid golfer he asks St. Peter to take him to the toughest course they have. As they start to wander around the course this guy can't believe his eyes. 500 meter par 3's. 800 meter par 4's.
They eventually wander up to the longest hole in heaven, a 1000 meter par 5 and there is a guy, with a 9 iron, on the tee, addressing the ball.
'Who does this guy think he is' whispers the guy to St. Peter, 'God or something?'
St. Peter says 'He is God, problem is he thinks he's Greg Norman.'
A busload of Manchester United supporters were heading south along the M1 in England after a football match when it crashed and they all died. When they got to the pearly gates, St Peter looks at them as they order him to let them in and goes to god
"Do you want me to let these Man U scum enter heaven lord?"
At this god sighs and tells St Peter to let them in on condition.
Minutes later, St Peter returns to god and exclaims
"God, they've gone!"
God asks "What? The Utd supporters?"
"No, the bloody pearly gates!!"
-- Thanks to Telly