Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ' I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude.' With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Mama needs new clothes!' Then she hollered...'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!' She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I thought YOU were watching!'
Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this.'
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
'What's so funny?' The truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, 'When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times.'
She spent 20 minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said 'concentrate'
She has 1 toe and bought a pair of flip flops
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
She got stabbed in a shoot-out
She told me to meet her at the corner of 'Walk' and 'Don't Walk'
When the computer said 'Press any key to continue' she couldn't find 'Any' key
She thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
When I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said 'Cherry or Grape'
She tried to put the M&:M's in alphabetical order
She sat on the TV and watched the couch
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it
She was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' 'Free Lays'
She tried to drown a fish
She thought a quarterback was a refund
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
She took a spoon to the Super Bowl
That under 'Education' on her job application she put 'Hooked on Phonics'
She thinks socialism means partying
She tripped over a cordless phone
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
At the bottom of the application where is says 'Sign Here', she put Sagittarius
It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
She studied for a blood test and failed
She died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the '11' button in '9-1-1'
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
She thought hamburger helper came with another person
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
She invented a solar powered flashlight
She sold the car for gas money
When she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home to get 16 friends
When she heard 80% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
She ordered a cheeseburger from McDonald's and said 'hold the cheese'
When she missed the #44 bus, she took the #22 bus twice
When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport left' She turned around and went home.
There once was a typical blonde who had long blonde hair, blue eyes, and was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepherd over.
'That's a nice flock of sheep,' she said.
'Well thank you,' said the shepherd.
'Tell you what. I have a proposition for you,' said the woman.
'Okay,' replied the shepherd.
'If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?' she asked.
'Sure,' said the shepherd. So the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second, then replied, '382.'
'Wow,' said the shepherd. 'That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.'
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said 'Okay, now I have a proposition for you.'
'What is it?' queried the woman.
'If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?'
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
'Hey,' asked the brunette at the wheel, 'see any cops following us?'
The blonde turned around for a long look. 'As a matter of fact, I do.'
'Fuck!' cursed the brunette. 'Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again.
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. 'I would like to buy this TV,' she told the salesman. 'Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,' he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman 'I would like to buy this TV.' 'Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,' he replied.
'Darn, he recognized me,' she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. 'I would like to buy this TV.'
Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,' he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed 'How do you know I'm a blonde?'
'Because that's a microwave,' he replied.
Q Why do blonds write TGIF on their shoes?
A Toes Go In First!
Q Why do blonds write TGIF on their bras?
A I'll let you work that one out yourself!
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her 'go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?' The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, 'I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!'
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says 'Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?'
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, 'That's easy! It's M!'
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, 'Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass.' Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. 'That's okay,' the blonde replied, 'If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car.'
A tired traveller pulled into a three-star hotel around midnight and asked for reception for a single room. As the clerk filled out the papers the traveller looked around and saw a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. Asking the clerk to wait he goes over and talks to her. A few minutes later he came back with the girl on his arm and said 'Fancy meeting my wife here, I guess I'll need a double-room'
Next morning he came to settle his bill. Handing over his Amex card, he is appalled to be confronted with a $3000 account. 'what's the meaning of this!!!' he yelled at the clerk 'I've only been here one night!!!'
'Yes' said the Clerk, 'but your wife has been here for three weeks'
In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: 'Can't you see I'm winning??'
A blonde suspects that her boyfriend has been cheating on her for some time. In a fit of rage she visits a local gun shop and buys a pistol. She then takes the gun with her to her boyfriends apartment to confront him with her suspicions.
As she arrives, she hears amorous sounds coming from within the apartment. In a rage she bursts in and finds her boyfriend in an amorous embrace with a lovely lady on the floor in front of her. She reaches into her purse to retrieve the weapon and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. In her grief she raises the gun to her own head. The boyfriend jumps up and begins to plead with her not to end it all.
She cocks the gun, looks him angrily in the eye and says 'sit down and shut up, you're next!'
There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man ... and he walks across the bridge.
A blonde goes into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother in Poland.
When the man tells her it will be $300, she exclaims.. 'I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!!'
To that the man asks 'Anything?'
And the blonde says 'Yes.. Anything'!!
With that, the man says 'Follow me'
He walks into the next room and tells her 'Come in and close the door'.
He then says 'Get on your knees'.
He then says take down my zipper'.
He then says 'Go ahead. Take it out'
With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!
The man then says 'Well.. Go ahead!'
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips. She says 'HELLO, MOM?'
Schultz from the CIA had finally been invited to the Diplomatic Corps dinner where he attended to make some valuable contacts. : However the pre dinner cocktails had the effect of getting him in a randy mood and he made sure he sat next to the long-legged blonde.
When his hand wandered under the table and came to rest on her knee he was encouraged by the lack of resistance. he moved a little further up her thigh. Again no rejection. He moved further, to her stocking tops.
His heart quickened as he saw her write a note and pass it to him under the table.
It read: 'Don't give the show away when you reach my balls. Smithers from MI5'
There were 3 Women walking along the beach, 2 Brunettes and a Blonde and they spot a man lying unconscious on the beach.
Panicking, the first, a brunette, gives the guy E.A.R. and the guy just stays, lying and unmoving.
The second brunette moves up and gives the guy C.P.R. and stands back, and the guy just stays there, looking just as close to death as ever.
Then to the amazement of the brunettes, the Blonde just slips off her panties and sits on this guys face, 5 minutes later, she stands up, pull up her knickers and walks over to the other women. 30 seconds later, the man stands up and walks away.
The two Brunettes asked the blonde, ' What the hell did you just do ?'.
To which the blonde replied, 'I just gave him a blood transfusion'.
Three pregnant women were walking down the street.
Brunette: My baby's going to be a boy because when my husband and I made love, I was on top.
Redhead: Then my baby is going to be a girl because I was on the bottom.
At this point, the blonde bursts into tears and says 'I'm gonna have a puppy.
Q. Why did God create blondes ?
A. Because sheep can't carry beer from the fridge.
This blonde rang up the doctor and asked, 'Doc, would you check if I left my panties behind in your examination room?'
The doctor looked around and said, 'No, they are not here.'
'Oh,' replied the blonde, 'then I must have left them at the dentist's.'
The nervous blonde sat on the dentist's chair to have her tooth extracted. Seeing so many instruments, she got frightened.
'Doc, I would rather have a baby than have my tooth pulled out.'
The dentist retorted, 'Well, make up your mind so that I can adjust the chair accordingly.'