After the Ark had successfully landed on Mt. Ararat, the survivors went forth. After a while, one of the wives noticed her father-in-law sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now and then, the father-in-law would chew a particularly hirsute hide and make a notation on a tablet. The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the son replied, 'What can I say, there is Noah counting fur tastes.'
The driver of a huger tractor-trailer lost control of his rig, he ploughed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new. 'Astonishing!' the truck driver said to the crew chief. 'What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?' The crew chief said, 'Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.'
An Englishman and a citizen of the Czech Republic went on a hunting trip. When they did not return for several days, a search party was sent after them. The party found a he-bear and a she-bear, each with full tummies. Becoming suspicious, they killed the two bears. They cut open the stomach of the she-bear, and found the Englishman. The leader of the party then observed, 'You all know what this means -- the Czech is in the male.'
Ringo became a gentleman farmer, but was having no success. His neighbor's animals were all strong and healthy, so he went and asked him the secret to his success.
'well, for chickens, you wanna plant some corn.' The farmer said.
'Right, a field of corn for chickens.' Ringo replied.
'And for horses, you wanna plant some corn.' The farmer said.
'Right, a field of corn for horses.' Ringo replied.
'And for cows, you wanna...'
'I know, I know,' Rigno butts in, 'I want a field of corn.'
'No,' replied the farmer, 'everyone knows it strawberry fields for heifers.'
A frog went into a bank to take out a loan. He went to the loan officer, whose name was Patty Black. He told Patty Black that he wanted to take out a loan to make some repairs on his house. When asked what he had for collateral, the frog pulled out a ceramic thing-a-ma-jig. Well, Patty Black didn't know what to do so she went to see her manager. She explained the situation to him, saying he wanted a loan but all he had for collateral was a ceramic thing she couldn't even identify. After thinking for a few minutes, the manager responded, 'It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!!'
Roy was entertaining a friend in his living room. They were talking about all sorts of things. Roy mentioned he had a very good cat but this cat had been acting strange lately. He was biting and chewing all of Roy's shoes. He had just gone out and bought some new ones to replace the shoes the cat had destroyed. This morning Roy found that the cat got to his brand new shoes. Just then, the cat walked through the living room. His friend interrupted, saying, 'Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?'
Prior to the breakup of the Soviet Union, my wife and I had an opportunity to visit Moscow. It is a beautiful city with friendly people, all eager to help us enjoy our visit, including Rudolph Karnekov, the personal guide assigned to us by the concierge of our hotel. Moscow-born and bred and a former member of the Politburo, Rudy was very knowledgeable about the city and every aspect of Russian life, as well. We spent every moment possible out exploring the city, despite the often unpredictable Moscow weather. One day, as we prepared to leave the hotel for a visit to a winery on the outskirts of Moscow, it began to rain/sleet/snow. I, at least, was sure it was snow. My wife was equally sure it was rain, and insisted upon a visit to a local department store, to purchase an umbrella. I thought the shopping spree was a waste of time - who needed an umbrella for a little snow? (Besides, I really wanted to get to that winery!) Well, a lengthy argument ensued which threatened to ruin the day's excursion, until my wife suggested we defer to someone whose judgment about local weather conditions was sure to be above reproach -- namely, our Muscovite guide. 'After all,' my wife insisted, 'Rudolph The Red knows rain, Dear!'
There is a monastery near Aspen, Colorado, called Snowmass. All the monks have taken a vow of silence. They rarely speak. Each day begins with morning worship. The service starts when the head abbot comes in and chants, 'Good morning.'
The monks chant in reply, 'Good morning.'
They say not another word until evening vespers, when the head abbot comes in and chants, 'Good evening.'
The monks all reply in unison, 'Good evening.'
Not another word is spoken until the next morning. Several years ago one of the monks decided he had to break up the boredom of this routine. The next morning when the head abbot chanted, 'Good morning,' all the other monks responded, 'Good morning', except the one bored monk who, hiding his identity from the other monks, chanted, 'Good evening.'
Quickly, the head abbot sang in reply: 'Some-one chanted evening. He must be a stranger.'
Bill sold flowers near a Franciscan Friar abbey. To raise money, the monks decided that they were going to start selling tulips and roses from their garden. Bill knew that this was going to put a serious crimp in his business so he hired the local tough guy, Hugh, to 'take care of the problem'. One morning, the Franciscans arrived at their stand and discovered that it was burnt to the ground. Despondent, they returned to their old methods of raising money. Moral of the story: Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
So an neutron walks into a bar and he goes to the barman and orders pint. When the barman comes back with the neutrons drink, the neutron asked how much it would cost. The barman says 'For you, no charge'
There was a very poor man who worked hard all his life. When he finally struck it rich he decided to build a solid gold toilet. After all, he reasoned, it was his throne. After installing it his wife took it for a test drive. Unfortunately, she was a very LARGE lady and promptly got stuck. They pulled and pushed but couldn't get her off. Finally, he went and got a crow bar. 'Are you crazy?' his wife screamed? 'This is a solid gold toilet, you'll ruin it' Well, he replied, 'Its my potty and I'll pry if I want to....'
What do you call a sick bird of prey from another planet?? An ill-eagle alien
Why did the Admiral want only dolphin sailors? Because he needed an all-porpoise navy!
So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece. After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.
Did you hear about the vulture who tried to take three dead armadillos onto a plane? He was told that passengers are limited to two carrion.
As part of a dare, Tommy had to walk through the local haunted house. Though he was deathly afraid of ghosts he succumbed to the peer pressure and set out through the dark corridors. Part way through, he turned a corner and found himself face to face with the ethereal being. However, after his initial shock, Tommy found the ghost to be quite an amiable fellow. Knowing his friends would never believe him, Tommy asked the ghost if he would pose for a picture. The ghost was quite willing to do this, so Tom pulled out his camera and snapped a quick shot. He went running straight to the film shop to get the photos developed, but alas, when they came back you could see nothing but blackness on the print...you see, the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
It's Christmas time and Darth Vader says to Luke 'I know what you're getting for Christmas'. Luke replies 'You do not'. Darth Vader replies, 'I do so, I felt your presents'.
There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall and cry to the stallholder, 'Stallholder, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have had no water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us water - tell us, do you have any for us?' The stallholder shook his head and replied 'I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with chocolate flakes '.
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, 'Mr. purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages which
are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water.' The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed 'Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have no water at all ...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with chocolate flakes, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there,' he said, pointing out the glazed cherry. 'I cannot help you..'.
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, 'Look mate,' (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) 'we need water or we'll die. We've been traveling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?' The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, 'Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and chocolate flakes. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death by dehydration.' The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and chocolate flakes.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, 'That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and chocolate flakes.' The other turned to face his companion and replied, 'Yes, it really was a trifle bazaar'.
Some philosophers decided see if any animals were affected by things spiritual and/or religious in nature. Their reasoning was that if animals had a spiritual nature, then it would be proof that there was a God. So, they spent many years studying animals of all different sorts, showing them various religious objects to see if any of them did react.
Much to their delight, they found that felines were the only to react. Now, they reasoned, if they could find out what symbols felines reacted strongest to, they'd know which religion was most favored by God. After many more years of research, the philosophers were finally able to announce what religion felines followed.
It turns out, they're Catlicks!
A young lady in Chicago had boy twins, gave them up for adoption. One was adopted by a couple in Spain: they named their boy Juan. The other one was adopted by a couple in Egypt: they named their boy Amall.
Many years later Juan finds his birth mother, sends his picture to her. She very happy, at first, when she received the picture. But then started feeling a little sad.
Her husband asked, 'What's wrong?'
She said, 'I wish I also had a picture of Amall.'
The husband said, 'But they are twins . . . if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amall.'
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot most of the time and produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Mike was walking down the street with a computer under one arm, a photocopier under the other and a desk strapped to his back. A policeman stopped him and said 'I'm placing you under arrest.' 'Why?' asked Mike. 'For impersonating an office sir.'
Did you hear about the big winner on the TV quiz show? He returned home the next day and his wife demanded, 'Who were those women I saw you outwit last night?'
In the Canadian forests, it's sometimes hard to cedar wood for the trees.
My dog Minton just ate two of my expensive shuttlecocks!
I just heard that a radical segment of the woodworkers union broke off and formed a splinter group.
A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
'That looks nasty,' says the doctor.
'Nasty?!?' replies the man, 'it's just the tip of the iceberg.'
A man recently drowned in a bowl of Muesli...apparently pulled under by the strong currants.
I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray and it was overheating. So, I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, 'Fix the damn thing and leave my personal life out of it, okay pal?' While they were doing that I walked over to a place called The Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner (he used to play for the Dolphins). I said, 'Hi Gill!' (you have to yell, he's hard of herring). Gil was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me the usual -- rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped him the fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even slipped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids, for the halibut. Well, the place was crowded -- we were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal -- what sole! Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna -- 'Salmon 'Chanted Evening'. And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player. One of them was this cute little yellow-tail and she's givin' me the eye, so I figure this is my chance for a little fun. You know, a little pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom: she was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy could she drink! She drank like a -- she drank a lot. I said, 'What's your sign?' She said, 'Aquarian.' I said, 'Great! Let's get tanked!' I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, 'Come on baby. It'll only take a few minnows.' She threw me that same old line: 'Not tonight. I got a haddock.' And she wasn't kidding, either, 'cause in came the biggest, meanest-looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said, 'Listen, shrimp. Don't you come trolling around here.' What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, 'A-balone. You're just being shellfish.' Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill 'cause he was already on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I said, 'Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon.' Well, the yellow-tail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and said, 'Hey big boy, you're really a game fish. What's your name?' I said, 'Marlin.' Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her out to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders. And then I went home with her. And what did I get for my troubles? A case of the clams.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common? '
'It's not unusual.'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only gladwrap for jocks.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.'
The other one says 'so are you, you fat bastard!'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'. So that was nice.'
A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'
My dog was really barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Clearly.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...........
'I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone.'
Israel police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist and worked occasionally as a farmer. In short, he was 'A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.'
There was once a small island, on which a tribe of islanders lived in their little grass huts. The king of the islanders received a new throne, every year, on the date of his coronation. The people would then burn the old throne and have a big party.
Once, the king of the island got very greedy and decided that in stead of burning the old thrones, he would keep them in the upstairs of his hut (he had an upstairs, being the king).
After a few years, the heavy thrones broke through the floor and crushed him in his sleep.
The moral of the story is: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Treasure hunters have recently discovered a chest containing gems, jewellery, silver, gold and Spanish Doubloons that are believed to be part of Captain Black Beard's long lost horde. The fabled loot, originally plundered from Spanish Treasure Ships on the Spanish Maine in the 18th Century, had been buried by Black Beard and had lain undiscovered for over 200 years.
When asked how they had managed to find it, with no treasure map or any other clue as to its whereabouts, a spokesman said 'Well, when we spotted that long rock over there, the one between those two small, round rocks we figured it would be buried nearby'.
When asked how they had known it would be near that particular rock, the spokesman said 'Everyone knows that booty is in the lie of the he-boulder'
I was working late last night and it was kinda spooky because there was a thunderstorm right overhead, lightning flashing, thunder crashing, rain slashing down and suddenly there was a knock at the door and this bedraggled guy, soaked to the skin, barged in, shouting 'Help me, you gotta help me!'
Well, I calmed him down a bit, made him a cup of tea and he sat down, sipping his tea, with water dripping onto the floor and he told me his story. It seems he was driving through Brenchley (a small village just up the road from where I work) and as he drove past the churchyard a figure dashed out into the road in front of him. Well, he slammed on the brakes and skidded to a halt, but couldn't avoid this person and ran him over.
Somewhat shocked and distressed, he leapt from the car and approached the crumpled body in the road. Well, he could detect no pulse so he dragged the body to the side of the road and started to look around for a phone box to call for help. He couldn't see one anywhere so he climbed into his car and started honking the horn, hoping to attract someone's attention from one of the nearby houses.
As he looked out through his windscreen, however, he noticed that the body had disappeared! He leapt from the car again and went up to where he had left the body, and sure enough there were marks in the mud as if the person had dragged himself further away from the road and into the churchyard.
He grabbed a torch from his car and followed the marks into the churchyard and came to what appeared to be a family vault or tomb. By the torch light he tried to read the name on the tomb, but couldn't really make it out, although it seemed to be Eastern European, perhaps Romanian or Czechoslovakian?
The entrance to the tomb had fallen in and had been fenced off but the timber had obviously been pulled away recently, and into this tomb he went, his heart hammering in fear but he was worried about the man, was he OK? Had he just fled into the tomb for shelter from the storm or was there a more sinister reason?
Just in case, he pulled up a bit of timber as a possible weapon and slowly entered the tomb. The inside of the tomb was dark and the light from his torch hardly seemed to make an impression on it, but he could just about make out the drag marks on the floor, wet and muddy, leading deeper into the tomb.
Finally, he came to the sarcophagus, the stone lid pushed to one side, and in it lay the body of a man, the same man as he had run over in the road outside. Well, he was almost petrified by this stage, but he leaned over the unmoving body to feel for a pulse again and a hand shot out, grabbing him by the throat!
A fierce struggle ensued, that vice-like grip around his throat crushing the breath and the very life from him but finally he managed to break free. As the body started to pull itself from the sarcophagus, the man swung his torch at it and it fell back. Then he drove the wooden post he had picked up outside the tomb deep into the body, where the heart would be, hammering it in with the torch. The creature, for it would not do to call it a man, screamed like a thousand tortured souls in Hell, and died.
The man collapsed, exhausted, for a while, then gathered himself together and returned to his car, wishing only to drive far away from that place. It was just a few miles down the road that he ran out of petrol and so, making his way on foot, he came to my office and that is how I heard his story.
Did I believe his story, I hear you ask? Well, I never believe anyone who tells me that the post is in the Czech.
A brilliant scientist never found time to marry but desperately wanted a son. So he cloned himself! Of course this young self-image was extremely brilliant and the scientist was very proud of him and took very good care of him.
But lo and behold, as the young man grew older, he developed a very foul mouth. Teachers banned him from the classroom: neighbourhood stores banned him: even the Boy Scouts threw him out!
Soon the scientist had had enough. Unable to think of anything else to do, he shoved his son off a cliff to rid the world of this foul-mouthed menace.
Of course the police soon came to arrest him. Thinking that this was not really a human being but a genetic 'invention', he asked the policeman what he was being charged with since he couldn't have murdered something that had never been 'born'!
The officer answered: 'You're being charged with making an offensive clone fall.'
One day a few animals were arguing over who had the best life. A hawk spoke up that he surely had the easiest life as he could swoop down and snare any prey he wished and could fly away from any danger.
Next the lion said he obviously had it the easiest as he simply took anything he wanted and no other animals messed with him.
Finally a skunk voiced that he felt HE had it the best. Anytime he wanted something or was in danger he simply had to lift his tail and Pssssst! it was done!
While the three were talking a large grizzly bear came on the scene and swallowed them -- hawk, lion and stinker.
An Indian psychiatrist from New dehli, visiting Salt Lake City, called at the local asylum and heard the inmates singing.
Investigating further he saw a large group of choristers holding an apple and tapping the apple with the other hand.
'Are they inmates?' he asked.
'No,' he was told 'That's the Moron Tap-an-Apple Choir!'
Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, population was declining at an alarming rate.
Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce.
Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium.
'You mean...?' said Jim.
'Yes,' said Tom. 'They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!'
It was a dark and stormy night.. The trusty knight has been riding for three days to save a beautiful damsel in distress kept captive by the evil Lord John in his dark castle, when it starts to rain.
His tired steed, already exhausted from the hard riding slips in a muddy hole, falls into a ditch and breaks its neck. The knight, trapped under his trusty mount, starts to shout for help, after all, it is raining and the water is rising around him.
Luckily, nearby was an old Inn, and the Inn Keeper hears our hero's shouts, pulls on his sou'wester and goes to investigate. The Inn Keeper, being a helpful soul pulls the knight from under his dead horse and drags him to the Inn.
After a few reviving brandies the knight relates his mission of rescue to the Inn Keeper. The Inn Keeper, suggests that nothing can be done in the awful weather to aid the knight on his way, and suggests the knight gets a good night's sleep.
And the Inn Keeper says he will organise a new horse for the knight in the morning, so he can continue his quest.
'It's no good,' says our hero, 'I cannot sleep whilst the Lady Lenora lies chained and in danger at the hands of that evil Lord John. I must have a horse tonight!'
The Inn Keeper is much touched by the knight's devotion to duty and wracks his brain for an idea where he can get a horse, on a dark and stormy night to aid the knight on his way. 'I can think of nowhere to get a horse at this time of night, but I do have one beast of burden which may be of use, my trusty Jules.'
Saying this the Inn Keeper leads the knight out to the kitchens where lying by the fire is this massive Irish Wolfhound! 'I use him when I go to town, I ride him, but he is old and not very reliable.'
Desperate to be on his way to rescue the lovely Lenora, the knight says, 'I must have your dog, Inn Keeper. Jules can be the difference between Lenora being rescued or ravaged!' I'll give you this bag of gold for him'.
Tempted, the Inn Keeper says, 'Well, you must be pretty desperate, on such a dark and stormy night, to even consider this. But, you must consider poor Jules's health, he's not young any more and quite arthritic, the wet will play havoc with his arthritis! You wouldn't get very far on him.'
'Five bags of gold, and this silver chalice' says the knight.
'No,' says the Inn Keeper. 'Why don't you stay here tonight and get some rest, and I will procure a horse for you in the morning.'
'I must rescue the Lady Lenora tonight!' says the desperate knight. 'I will give you all my lands, and my castle, if you let me take your trusty Jules tonight!'
'Look,' says the Innkeeper, 'It's not the money. I just wouldn't send a Knight out on a dog like this!'
A very keen amateur gardener was proud of his ferns, the fronds of which were particularly fine specimens. The ferns were so spectacular that he won every flower show he entered them in.
After many years he became bored with winning with the same plants so he decided to try his hand at growing and showing anemones, but the results were a disaster.
He complained to his friend : ' My fronds are absolute perfection,' he complained, 'but I just can't grow anemones.'
'Never mind,' his friend said. 'With fronds like these, who needs anemones!'
Man went into his bankers to tell them of his plans for a new business: 'I'm thinking of starting up in the cheese business', he says.
'Yup', says the bank manager, 'What are you thinking of calling the cheese?'
'Don't know', says the man.
'Try the name of a place'
After a long thought, the businessman says 'Cheddar'!
'Nope', replies the bank manager. 'There's already a cheese from that place. Try again'.
The man goes away. Three months later, he's back: 'I've thought of a name.'
'What is it?'
'Nope: there's already one from there too'.
The man goes away. Six months later, he's back again: 'Leicester'
'Sorry: there's one from there too. Try another place'
The man goes away. Nine months later, he's back. More adventurous this time. 'Edam', he says.
'Sorry: better, but there's one from there too. Try further afield'
The man goes away. A Year later, he's back again. 'Nazareth', he says.
'Excellent', says the bank manager. 'It's a place name. And it hasn't been used by anybody else in the industry. Brilliant, that's the product sorted out. Now what are you going to call the company?'
And the man replies 'Cheeses of Nazareth'
It seems that there was this marine biologist at the University or New Brunswick(Canada) who was working on a system that would allow humans to talk to fish, and fish to talk with humans.
One day, after many years of working in the lab, the system is ready for field testing! So the scientist takes his gear down to a local salmon stream and sets it up.
Lo and behold, the system worked! Our hero began talking with the salmon in the stream and the salmon began talking with the scientist. The scientist noticed one particular salmon that looked a little different from the rest.
This salmon was a deeper reddish brown than the others, so he nick-named him Rusty. The scientist then struck up quite a friendship with Rusty. Rusty told the scientist what it was like to be a fish, and the scientist told Rusty what it was like to be a human being.
One day, after two seasons by the stream, Rusty said 'It's time for me to go down to the ocean to spawn.'
The marine biologist responded 'NO Rusty! You can't! Do you know how dangerous the trip will be? Do you know that the return rate for your species is about 2%? Do you know that there are many dangers you will have to face on the journey -- Fishermen, sharks, and all kinds of other dangers!!'
'Look' said Rusty, 'A salmons' gotta do what a salmons' gotta do.' So off he went.
Two years later, the scientist is still working by the same stream, when he hears a familiar voice from the past. Rusty had returned!
So the two of them rapidly got re-aquatinted.
'You know, you were right about all the dangers' said Rusty. 'I lost track of the number of times that I was almost caught in some fisherman's net. I lost track of the number of times that I was almost eaten by sharks. But let me tell you,' Rusty continued, 'about the amazing sights I witnessed.'
'Tell me what you saw!' said the scientist excitedly.
'The ship wrecks were incredible!'
The scientist explained to Rusty about the large number of ships that were sunk in the North Atlantic.
'Well one ship I saw, the Titanic, was really fantastic! It was sitting on the bottom, all by itself, it was just gorgeous! We swam all through it, up the grand staircases, down into the dining salons! It was, it was, it was so moving that I decided to write some poetry about it.'
'It must be really beautiful stuff' said the scientist.
'I know it is. Maybe you could help me get it published' said Rusty.
'Sure' said the scientist, 'do you have a title for your poems?'
'Yes -- Salmon Rusty's Titanic Verses!'
There was once a fabulously wealthy man who lived far from civilisation in a huge Golden House. Everything about the house was Golden - the bricks, the doors, the floors, the furniture, the knives, the forks: everything that could possible be Golden was indeed of pure, finest quality Gold.
One night, as the fabulously wealthy man lay in his Golden Bed between his Golden Sheets, there came a ring on the Golden Bell. He rose, put on his Golden Dressing Gown, walked down the Golden Passage to the Golden Stairs and thence to the Golden Hall where he opened the Golden Door.
'I'm sorry to bother you,' said the stranger on the Golden Door Step, 'but my car has broken down and this seems to be the only house for miles and miles. Could you possibly put me up for the night?'
'Of course,' said the fabulously wealthy man, 'follow me.' And he took the stranger through the Golden Hall, up the Golden Stairs and along the Golden Passage.
'You may sleep here', he said, 'in this Golden Bedroom. In the Golden Cupboard you will find a pair of Golden Pyjamas. Sleep well.'
The fabulously wealthy man returned to his Golden bed and was just falling asleep when again the Golden Bell roused him. It was a second stranger whose car had broken down, and he was also shown to a Golden Bedroom.
Similarly a third stranded stranger who rang the Golden Bell a half hour later was lodged in yet another Golden Bedroom.
In the morning the three travellers found themselves in a huge Golden Breakfast Room. They sat at a vast Golden Table as a servant entered wearing Golden Livery and a powdered Golden Wig.
'What would you like for breakfast, gentlemen?' he asked, 'Cornflakes or Kippers?'
'I'll have Cornflakes,' said the first.
'I'll have Cornflakes as well' said the second.
'I'll have Kippers, please,' said the third.
Which just goes to show, that two out of three people prefer cornflakes for breakfast!
The Tates Company, which specialised in making compasses, went out of business due to poor public relations and marketing. Their competition kept making counter advertising claims that the Tates compass was inferior as in -- 'He who has a Tates is lost.
The Sesame Street Bus company hires a new driver called Harry. Driving the bus along Harry is flagged down by two rather fat ladies. Greeting them cheerfully, Harry says 'Hi, I'm Harry' to which the first lady replies 'My name is Patty'. The second lady says 'My name is also Patty'.
Harry gets the bus under way and is flagged down at the next bus stop by a man. As the man boards, Harry says 'Hi I'm Harry'. The man replies 'Hi, I'm Ross, and I'm special'.
Harry thinks 'Yeah right'. Harry gets the bus under way again and is flagged down at another bus stop. As the passenger boards, Harry greets him in the usual way. The passenger says 'Hi, I'm Bedas Peas', and sits in the front seat.
Harry starts going again but smells a stench. Having a quick look he notices that Bedas Peas has taken his shoes and socks off, and is picking at a bunion on his foot.
At the end of the day, Harry returns to the depot and tells the manager he quits. To his surprise, the manager asks why.
Harry explains: 'If I have to pick up Two obese Pattys, special Ross, Bedas Peas picking bunions on a sesame street bus, one more time, I'll go crazy'.