He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
He said - Two inches more and I would be king.
She said - Two inches less, and you'd be queen.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world'
The woman says, 'I'll miss you.'
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
Q: What's the difference between a Pregnant women and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.
Submitted by: mav001au
What's the difference between a woman in the army and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Submitted by: Permission Pending
What's the difference between Government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What did God say after creating men?
I can do better.
Husband Want a quickie?
Wife As opposed to what?
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he is coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will stay.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
Husband Why do you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife You wear your underpants don't you?
What's the difference between a Porcupine and a Porsche?
A Porcupine has pricks on the outside.
What do coffee, cats and men have in common?
They all keep you awake at night.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you get rid of him at weekends.
Why did the man walk around with his fly open?
Just in case he needed to count to eleven.
How can you tell if a man is dead?
He stays stiff for more than two minutes.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Why are men better than cats?
Men only piss on the carpet in the bathroom.
What do toilets and anniversaries have in common?
Men always miss them.
Husband Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board, I'll sit on the sofa and fart.
Yesterday a 2 seater Cessna 152 crashed into an Irish cemetery.
So far to date, police have recovered 52 bodies.
Mummy, mummy I keep turning round in circles.
Shut up son or I'll nail the other foot to the floor.
Mummy, why is Daddy running so fast?
Shut up and reload.
Mummy, can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush it like the rest of us do.
Mummy can I play with Grandma?
Shut up and leave that coffin alone.
Mummy are you sure this is the way to make meat pie?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Daddy, what's a homosexual?
Shut up and keep sucking.
What has four legs and one arm?
A pit Bull on his way back from the playground.
Why do you gaffer tape hamsters?
To stop them splitting apart when you root them.
What's the difference between gaffer taping a hamster and gaffer taping an elephant?
About 4 rolls of gaffer tape.
How do you turn a dog into a cat?
You take it to the top of the Rialto and chuck it off the side. : As it descends it goes 'MEOOOOOOOOOOW'.
How do you turn a cat into a dog?
Take the cat, pour petrol over it and set it alight. : As it burns it goes 'WOOOOOF'.
What's the difference between a nurse and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
What's the difference between a nurse and a ladder?
Not everyone has been up a ladder.
How do you know when a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
Your bin is empty and your dog is pregnant.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
How does a blind parachutist know when he's about to hit the ground?
When the lead on his Guide Dog goes slack.
Why do dogs lick their dicks?
Because they can.
If dog food tastes so bad, why do dogs eat it?
To get rid of the taste of their dicks.
If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.
What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little kids?
Go easy on the lollies.
What is the similarity between Madonna and Merv Hughes?
They have both had lots of balls rubbed up and down their legs.
How do you know when you girlfriend is on steroids?
When she rolls you over and fucks you up the bum with her clitoris.
What's the difference between Telecom and Jurassic Park?
One's a theme park where the inhabitants are trying to kill all the paying customers. : The other one's a movie.
What's the last thing that goes through a bugs' mind as it hits your windscreen?
It arse.
How do you get 200 cows into a small shed?
Put a BINGO sign outside.
Do you know what women can't reverse park?
'Cos they're always being told that this (flop out the old fella) is 9 inches.
What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store.
What is the definition of the perfect husband?
A guy with a seven inch tongue that can breath through his ears.
Why can't they find a cure for A.I.D.S.?
They can't get two rats to root each other up the arse.
How do you keep little black kids from jumping on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling.
Why did God's chosen children wander in the desert for forty years?
One of them dropped a quarter.
Why did God invent women?
Sheep can't cook.
Why do women sky divers wear tampons?
So they won't whistle on the way down.
How come in 1967, the Jews beat Egypt in just 6 days?
Because the equipment was rented.
What's the definition of a Jewish dilemma?
Free ham
How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.
Why do shepherd's wear robes?
Because sheep can hear zippers a mile away.
Why are New Zealand racehorses so fast?
They can see what happens to the sheep.
What are the five most difficult years in a New Zealander's education?
The third grade.
How do you know when your house has been burgled by a Kiwi?
The Cats been raped and your thongs are missing.
What's the difference between an Italian grandmother and an elephant?
About 20 pounds and a moustache.
Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
Can't fit that much shit in a shoe.
What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
What's worse than your doctor telling you you've got VD?
Your dentist telling you.
How do you make a hormone?
Kick her in the tits.
How does a prostitute hold her liquor?
By the ears. : (Try reading it out loud).
Why do women always do their make up at the lights?
'Cos they've got no balls to scratch.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down (and possibly use more lubricant)
What do you do when the dishwasher breaks down?
Kick her in the ass!!!
How do you make an African American nervous?
Take him to an auction.
Did you hear about Evil Kneivel's cousin, Ku Klux Kneivel?
He tried to jump over 50 African Americans - with a steamroller.
What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?
The Microwave doesn't brown the meat.
What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 4 drinks.
Did you hear about the two homosexual magistrates?
They tried each other.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
When the sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up in the sink.
How do New Zealand farmers find their sheep in long grass?
Very satisfying.
What's the difference between a condom and a camera??
Nothing. : They both capture the moment !!
Why are men like snow?
Because you never know how many inches you are going to get and how long will it last.
What do you call a group of Maltese women in the sauna?
Gorillas in the mist.
Why aren't there any screws in a lesbians house?
'cos it's all tongue and groove!
How can you tell a happy sperm?
It's the one with egg on its face.
Why are men like parking spaces?
Because all the good ones are gone, and the only ones left are handicapped !!
Why are men like kitchen tiles?
Because if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of their lives!
What's the similarity between a short sighted gynaecologist and a dog?
They both have wet noses.
Why do women like old gynaecologists?
Because their hands shake.
What's a paedophiles favourite TV show?
Come on kids.
Have you heard about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.
What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What's an orgasm Mum?
I don't know, ask your father.
What do you call 500 men at the bottom of the sea?
A good start.
What is the useless bit of skin on the end of a penis called?
A man.
What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?
A widower.
What do you call two lesbian penguins?
Sticky beaks.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
It heard that the ref was blowing fouls.
What's the difference between Britt Ekland and Ayers Rock?
Not everyone's been up Ayers Rock.
What has Niki Lauder and Hot Lips Houlihan got in common?
They've both been fucked by Major Burns
What would it take to get the Beatles back together?
3 bullets.
How did AIDS get into America?
Up the Hudson.
Why does Hazel Hawke climb on top for sex?
Cos Bob can only fuck up.
What's the worst thing about the Challenger Space Shuttle diaster?
It only killed 7 Americans
What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in your bath?
Throw in you washing.
What's endless love?
Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.
What is it impossible to find in New Zealand?
Virgin wool.
Why wasn't Christ born in New Zealand?
'Cos they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
What's a Tasmanians idea of foreplay?
'You awake Mum?'
What's a Greek '10'?
The back of a '4'.
What do you call Israeli paratroopers?
Air pollution.
Why was alcohol invented?
So fat, ugly women could get a root too.
Why do women have fingers?
'Cos sheep can't type.
What's the difference between a middle-aged single man and a middle aged single woman?
The woman is thinking of having children, the man is thinking of dating them.
Why did Adam come before Eve?
Men always do.
Why is it so hard to find a good looking, intelligent, sensitive, : caring man?
Because they already have boyfriends.
How do you know when you've walked into a lesbian bar?
Even the pool tables have no balls.
How can you tell a head nurse?
She's the one with dirty knees.
How can you tell Dolly Patrons kids in a group?
They're the ones with stretch marks around their lips.
What's the fastest game in the world?
Pass the parcel in a Belfast pub.
Why do they only have 30 minutes for lunch in Ireland?
'Cos if they had any longer the bosses would have to retrain them.
Did you hear about the Irishman who fired an arrow into the air?
He missed.
What do you do if an Irishman throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull out the pin and throw it back .
Did you hear about the failed Irish attempt to climb Mt. Everest?
They ran out of scaffolding.
Did you hear that O.J. Simpson is getting married again?
He wants to have another stab at it.
Why is Santa such a terrible lover?
He only comes once a year and even then it's down the chimney.
Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck-hunting?
He couldn't get any because he couldn't throw his dog high enough.
Did you hear about the Irish wood-worm?
It was found dead in a brick.
Why don't Irish people eat pickles?
Because they can't get their heads into the jars.
How can you tell the Irish submarine?
It's the one with the flyscreens and deckchairs.
Why do men prefer to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism!
Did you hear about the Irish dingo?
It ate the pram.
Did you hear about the Irishman who wanted personalised number plates on his car?
He changed his name to 'XYZ 729'.
How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.
Why did the Irishman leave the empty milk carton in the fridge?
Just in case someone wanted a black coffee.
How do you get a one-armed Irishman down from a pole?
Wave to him.
Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
He wiped the chain and pulled himself.
Why did the Irishman fall out of the tree?
He was raking leaves and lost his footing.
How do you make a skeleton?
Hose down a leper.
What does DNA stand for?
The National Dyslexia Association.
What's the worst part about having a lung transplant?
Coughing up someone else's phlegm.
What's the hardest thing about doing a sex-change operation on a man?
Sewing in the anchovies.
What is two and a half inches long, has 256 balls and fucks ducks?
A shotgun cartridge.
What do you do if a bird craps on your windscreen?
Don't take her out any more.
What's the difference between a Cavalry Horse and a Draught Horse?
The Cavalry Horse darts into the fray but the Draught Horse.................
How can you tell the Kiwi in a shopping mall?
He's the one standing outside the sheepskin shop with an erection.
What is the ideal birthday present for a Kiwi?
Velcro gloves.
What did one ovary say to the other?
They must be going to have a party upstairs - two nuts are trying to push an organ up the passage.
Why are pubic hairs curly?
So they don't poke you in the eye.
What do you do in the case of fallout?
Put it back and take shorter strokes.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
What's the problem with blind people going bungy jumping?
Nothing. : It just scares the shit out of their seeing eye dog.
Why is your shit tapered?
So your asshole doesn't slam shut.
Why are men like toilets?
They are always either vacant, engaged or full of crap.
Why don't Australians play hide and seek?
Because no-one can be bothered looking for them
Why have Americans got AIDS and NZers got Australians?
'Cos America had first choice
What do you call OJ Simpson, David Koresh, and Mike Tyson?
The butcher, the baker, the license plate maker.
What's a jaffa?
A pregnant smartie.
What are hundreds &: thousands?
Smartie shit.
Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pissed off!
How does a poofter fake an orgasm?
He spits on his partners back.
What's the black stuff between elephants' toes?
Slow pygmies.
What do Rabbis do with all the foreskin's from circumcisions?
They sell them to poofters as chewing gum.
Why do men have a hole in the end of their dicks?
To let the brains breathe a bit.
Did you hear about the blind guy who was given a cheese grater for Christmas?
Said it was the most violent thing he had ever read.
What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen?
Don't take her out again.
Have you ever wondered what Claudia Schiffer would be called if she married Brains out of the Thunderbirds...?
Claudia Schiffer-Brains
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra: you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2 : (but how do they get in there?)
What's the difference between circumcision and crucifixion?
With crucifixion they throw away the whole Jew.
How do you get an abbo out of jail?
Cut the rope.
Why do you bury New Zealanders 100 feet down?
Because deep, deep down, they're nice people.
What's brown and walks up stairs backwards?
A Corgi with a hard-on.
What's the difference between a Lebanese woman and a catfish?
One's got fat lips and whiskers, the other one's a fish.
What do they call a female sex change operation?
Addadictomy.
Why do Scotsmen have such long thin dicks?
Because they're such tightfisted wankers.
What part of Popeye never rusts?
The part he puts in Olive Oyle.
How do New Zealand farmers find their sheep in the long grass?
Delightful!
How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a lightbulb?
NONE! LET THE BITCH COOK IN THE DARK!
Whats the diff between a woman and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you put your load in it.
How do you circumcise a New Zealander?
Give his sister a swift kick in the jaw.
What's the diff between Christopher Reeve and OJ Simpson?
OJ might walk.
What's brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's first movement.
What do you call a child raised in a house of ill repute?
A brother sprout.
What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother?
Twenty pounds : and a black dress.
How can you identify Dolly Parton's kids at a party?
They're the ones with stretch marks around their mouths.
What partof Popeye nevers rusts?
The part he puts in Olive Oil.
Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
Because Ronald can only fuck up.
Why did they have to call off the lepers hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.
Did you hear about the man who had five pricks?
His pants fit him like a glove.
What do promiscuous angels get?
Harpies.
Why do female paratroopers wear jock-straps?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
What's the last thing that goes through a cat's mind as its hit by a truck at 100kph?
His asshole.
How many GLADIATORS does it take to change a light bulb?
1, but you have to have someone say 'light bulb ready!'
How many homicidal maniacs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb is already DEAD.
What has a mobile phone and a clitoris got in common?
They're both touch sensitive and every c*nt's got one.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Through a catalogue
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless
How do you know if a musician has been to visit?
He's still there.
What does a constipated maths teacher do?
He works it out with a pencil
What do you call a bloke with a one inch penis?
Justin.
What did the first lesbian frog say to the second lesbian frog?
' Hmmm... We really do taste like chicken.'
Why is Bungee Jumping like visiting a prostitute?
'Cos you pay a lot of money for a very short time and if the rubber breaks you are dead!!!
What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What does a man with a fifteen inch dick eat for breakfast?
Well this morning I had some bacon and eggs and orange juice!
Did you know that Hugh Grant had to go to Hospital for Medical treatment after his date with Ms Devine.
He had to have a huge black-head removed from his dick.
Why don't roosters have hands?
Cause chickens don't have tits.
What do call two Lesbians in a Cupboard?
A liquor cabinet.
What's the difference between a poof and a microwave?
A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
What do you call a cross between a poof and a dinosaur?
A mega-saur-arse.
What do you call an island full of lesbians?
Liquorland
What's the worst thing about being a test-tube baby?
You know your dad's a wanker.
What do you call a Tasmanian girl who keeps running away from her family?
A virgin.
What did the Irishman name his pet zebra?
Spot.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Italy?
God couldn't find three wise men an a virgin in Italy.
What do you get if you cross a Greek with a gorilla?
A retarded ape.
What's the difference between a man and a pig?
A pig doesn't turn into a man after drinking six beers.
What do you call a New Zealander with 200 wives?
A sheep farmer.
Where's the safest place to hide money in England?
In a box of soap.
Why did the Polish ice factory go out of business?
They lost the recipe.
Why don't they have tea breaks in the public service?
The retraining costs would be too high.
Why did the woman cross the road?
That's not the issue - what was she doing out of the kitchen!
Where do elephants keep their sex organs?
In their feet. Because when they stand on you, you're fucked.
Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
Because you couldn't get all that shit in a tennis shoe.
What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot ?.
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
How many animals can you fit in a pir of pantyhose?
A couple of calves, a few hairs, a beaver, and fish you can't find.
Why do men have a hole at the end of their penis?
So they can think open-mindedly.
What's a man's idea of protected sex?
A padded headboard.
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A lazy bitch.
Why did God create men?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
How are men like parking spaces?
The good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped.
What do you call a man with an IQ.of 50?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!
How are men and beer bottles alike?
They're both empty from the neck up.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because men fake foreplay!
Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis and a brain!
How many men does it take to make popcorn?
Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows, it's never happened.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, (men are good at screwing things up!)
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.
What is the difference between government bonds and men?
Government bonds mature.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
What did God say after he created man?
'I can do better than this.'
How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
We cook: they eat. We clean: they dirty. We iron: they wrinkle.
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack.
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.
Does God control everything that happens in my life?
He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.
Why does God allow evil to happen?
God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revisions.
Does God know everything?
He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnite job.
What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.
Did God really create the world in seven days?
He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him. But the overtime pay made up for it.
How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.
Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.
Who is Satan?
Satan is an MIS manager/director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
What is the role of sinners?
Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Where will I go after I die?
Onto a DAT backup tape.
Will I be reincarnated?
Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those .tar backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.
Am I unique and special in the universe?
There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.
What is the purpose of the universe?
God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all his senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
If I pray to God, will he listen?
You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.
What is the one true religion?
All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Is God angry that we crucified him?
Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned out to be murder.
How can I protect myself from evil?
Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.
Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
They are much more likely to receive email.
Two Polish guys are in a big truck. They see a sign on the road that says, 'Tunnel Ahead Prohibits Vehicles Over 12 Feet High.' The guy riding shotgun says, 'Go ahead, Stosh, I don't see any cops.'
Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you.
Delta Airlines---We almost got you there
Don't keep a negative attitude, such as : 'I will not succeed, I will not succeed.'
Instead, keep a positive attitude: : 'I WILL fail. I WILL fail.'
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.
KRQR, home of the million dollar guarantee. You give us a million dollars, we'll play any song you want. Guaranteed.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Put on your seatbelt...I wanna try something.
The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.
There's no future in time travel.
Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Smith &: Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
A day without sunshine is like night.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count: those who can't.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Death is hereditary.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer!
Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Please return Stewardess to original upright position.
Fish 'n Shits - the NEW tuna flavoured laxative from Metamucil
Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
A good pun is its own reword.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
To err is human, to moo bovine.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Vidi, vici, veni: I saw, I conquered, I came.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Dear Santa, all I want is your list of naughty girls.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Kurt Cobain Soft Drink: it's extremely bitter and it has no head.
MicroSloth: 'Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe.'
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
A cat will assume the shape of the container it is packed into.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Q: How do kiwis find their sheep in long grass? A: Very satisfying.
Teacher: 'Simon, can you say your name backwards?' Simon: 'No Mis'
Jesus died for our sins...and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Mary had a little lamb....and Mulder was determined to find out why.
There's an exception to every rule, except this one.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. : There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Don't worry about the world ending today... : It's already tomorrow in Australia. : (unless you¹re in Australia -then start worrying)
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. : Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Character is what you are. : Reputation is what people think you are.
Drive carefully It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed ... : well, so much for sky diving.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
What's the definition of a virgin? In Australia any girl under 12, in Greece any child under 10, and in the Middle East any camel that can outran an Arab.
What's the definition of an intellectual? Someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
What's the definition of difficult? Pushing butter up a porcupine's arse with a hot needle.
What's the definition of agony? A Corgi walking up some stairs with a hard-on.
What's the definition of an Irishman? A simple machine for converting Guinness into urine.
What's the definition of a successful man? One who makes more money than his wife can spend.
What's the definition of a sadist? Someone who is kind to a masochist.
What's the definition of an over-achiever? Someone who comes first AND third in a jerking-off contest.
What's the definition of a fishing rod? A pole with bait hanging on one end and an idiot hanging on the other.
What's the definition of a Soviet string quartet? A Soviet symphony orchestra after a tour of the USA.
What's the definition of torque? When you wake up in the morning with a hard-on so severe, that as you push it down to have a piss, your feet lift off the floor.
What's the definition of the best man at a nudist resort? The guy who can carry 2 cups of coffee and 8 donuts at the same time.
What's the definition of the best woman at a nudist resort? The girl who can eat the 8th donut.
What's the definition of old age? A time when a man sees a pretty girl and it arouses his memory instead of his hopes.
What's the definition of a mistress? Something between a mister and a mattress.
What's the definition of a bachelor? A man who can take women or leave them, and prefers to do both.
What's the definition of a gynaecologist? A man who works and operates in another man's field.
An Irishman joins Alcoholics Anonymous so he can drink under an assumed name...
A cheesburger walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer.
The bartender hurries over and shouts at him 'How many times do I have to tell you that we don't serve food here?'
A mushroom walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer.
The bartender says 'we don't serve mushrooms here.'
The mushroom replies 'I'm not a mushroom, I'm a fungi.'
A horse walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer.
The bartender asks, 'Why the long face?'
Two guys walk into a bar. The next one ducked ...
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a fireplace? Bernie. An hour later? Ashley
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The Admiral shouted, 'Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!' The Chief turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
'Darling,' murmured the girl to her boyfriend, 'when did you first realize that you were in love with me?' 'Well, I suppose...' whispered the man tenderly, 'it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay.'
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for awhile but then smiled and said, It really works.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
If you think that there is good in everyone then you haven't met everyone.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat the flatter it gets.
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes I am, I married the wrong man.'
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' And the father replied, 'I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.'
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married: and then it was too late.'
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take: the husband gives and the wife takes.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.'And the husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it.'
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifiers: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , 'It is I who made my husband a millionaire.' 'And what was he before you married him.'Asked the friend. The woman replied, 'A multi-millionaire'.
:A survey has revealed that most women prefer to keep a mink in the wardrobe, a tiger in the bedroom, a jaguar in the driveway and a jackass to pay for it all.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman: then, Pow! it was all gone!'. 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
A man and a woman were stranded in an elevator together and they knew they were gonna die. Then the woman turns to the man and says 'Make me feel like a woman before I die.' So he takes off his clothes and says 'Fold them!!'
That man is so mean that when his wife went in to have a hip replacement operation he asked the doctor for the bone for the dog..
Husband: Put you coat on love I'm going to the bar. Wife: Are you taking me out for a drink? Husband: Don't be silly woman, I'm turning the heat off...
What is soft and warm when you go to bed , but hard and stiff when you wake up ?
Vomit
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
The genealogist looks up the family tree.
The gynaecologist looks up the family bush.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven.
How many men does it take to mop the floor?
None, it's a woman's job.
What do you do when your wife tells you to replace a light bulb?|
Screw the bitch, she can do the dishes in the dark.
How are women like a postage stamps?
You lick 'em, stick 'em, and send them away.
How are women like floor tiles?
You lay 'em once and walk all over them the rest of your life.
What's the extra skin around the vagina called?
The woman.
Why do women get periods?
They deserve them.
How many men do you need to open a beer can?
None, the bitch who brings it should have opened it too.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
They don't have balls.
Why do women have orgasms?
It gives them something to moan about.
How are women like bowling balls?
You finger them, throw 'em down the gutter, and they come back for more.
Why did the woman have 2 black eyes?
She had to be told twice.
What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
1) They both cost about $100.
2) They both last about 30 seconds.
3) And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.
How do you make a cat go 'Woof!' Soak it in petrol and throw a match at it.
How do you make a dog go 'meeoww!' Freeze it and run it through a band saw.
What is the definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one looks at the other and says This tastes funny.
What is the high point at a bulimic`s birthday party? Watching the cake come out of the girl
Have you seen the new line in Tampax with Bells and Tinsel It's for the Christmas Period
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball Cough! Choke! Gag! etc. etc.
What do you do if the dishwasher breaks down? Slap her and tell her to get back to work
One worker to his friend. 'Of course it's not your day. With over 5 billion people on this planet do you know what the chances of it ever being your day is ?'
When trying to contact a customer I heard this message on the answering machine. 'I am the worst greatest psychic. I know who you are and why you've called, so after the beep please just hang up.'
When it comes to disappearing acts, the best one is what happens to the 8 hours of play after the 8 hours of sleep and the 8 hours of work.
You know when it's time to get a new car when: The traffic reporter on the morning radio starts referring to your car by name. You make a right hand turn and the passenger falls out. You lose the 'red light challenge' to a 16-year old on a bike.
I'm not saying that Ted was a hypochondriac but he did tell me he wanted his tombstone to read 'See!'
Paddy hates daylight saving, he gets his morning erection on the 8:30 train.
A helicopter crashes into an Irish cemetery. : 705 bodies were recovered.
Paddy: 'You left your blind up last night. What a performance your wife put on!'
Murphy: 'The jokes on you. I wasn't home last night'
Paddy was in a police line up when he said to the victim, 'That's her!!'
To sink an Irish submarine, just knock on the hatch.
Paddy was hopping mad when his wife had twins.
'Just wait till I get my hands on the other fellow!!'
Paddy tells Shaun he wouldn't go to America.
'Why not?'
'They drive on the wrong side of the road. I tried it last night and it's bloody dangerous!'
Did you hear about the woman who was attacked by three men at a gay dance party ? Two of them held her down while the third did her hair.
This is the result of a programmer who didn't check his spelling before releasing the product. The prompt in the software reads: 'Please insert dick in Drive A and hit enter to continue.....'
Yesterday Scientists in The USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female genes. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking rubbish and couldn't drive.
Two guys were in the desert and one guy had a car door. The other one asked him what purpose the car door had. 'If it gets hot I can wind down the window'.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot. - Anonymous
A leader does not impose a decision. He molds one.
Of all possible reactions to a criticism the most skillful and effortless is silence.
The trouble with living alone is that it's always your turn to do the dishes.
A straight line is the shortest distance between an baby and anything breakable.
'Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me?' the man asks his psychiatrist. 'It saves time,' was the reply.
Definition of a prenuptial agreement. A paper a lawyer prepares to protect the party of the first part from the party of the second part should they discover that the party's over.
The $1.99 screwdriver I bought came with a lifetime guarantee. When I got home I read the fine print. 'If for any reason this tool fails to give you complete satisfaction, a replacement will be made upon its return and three dollars for postage and handling.'
The trouble with talking too fast is that you may say something you haven't thought of yet.
There are two types of people who should never says 'Oops'. Magicians and dentists.
The diner was furious when his steak was served rare. 'Waiter,' he yelled. 'Didn't you hear me say well done?' 'Thank you so much sir,' said the waiter. I hardly ever get a compliment.
Ever notice that hardly anyone can tell you their blood type, but 99.5% of the people can tell you their astrological sign ?
'Your mother has been living with us now for 20 years,' commented the man one day to his wife. 'Isn't it time she moved into her own place?' 'My mother!' exclaimed the wife. 'I thought she was your mother.'
A policeman pulled over a car. 'What's the matter officer?' asked the man. 'Your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back down the road,' commented the officer. 'Thank goodness,' said the man. 'I thought I'd gone deaf.'
A pompous politician faced the judge on a speeding charge. 'I admit I may have been going a little bit fast but I am a respected politician...' he began. 'Ignorance is no excuse,' retorted the judge.
Ever notice that the human brain is like a TV set. When the screens blank you should turn the volume down.
A man who got up one morning decided it looked so nice out... he would leave it out.
These two helium atoms are walking down the street. Atom 1: 'I think I've lost an electron' Atom 2: 'Are you sure?' Atom 1: 'Yes, I'm positive'
A computer programmer was found dead in the shower with a large bottle of shampoo in his hand. The instructions on the shampoo read, 'Lather. Rinse. Repeat.'
A giraffe walks into a bar, looks around and says, 'Okay everyone, the highballs are on me.'
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, 'How sad a dead bird.' The other man looked up and said, 'Where?'
Two guys walk into a bar, which is really strange since you'd think the second one would have seen it when the first one hit it.
On his first day as a member of the galley crew, a slave remarked to his fellow oarsman 'Wonderful day for sailing around on the Med'. To which his mate says 'Well, it won't be tomorrow. We're taking Antony and Cleopatra out water skiing'.
What are 3 things you can't say in a Gay Bar? 1. I'm positive.!!!! 2. Bugger Me.!!! 3. Would someone push my stool in.!!!
This guy rings up the phone operator and says 'Can you tell me the time difference between Melbourne and Los Angeles ?' The operator says 'Just a minute!' So the guy says 'Thank you' (and puts down the phone)
This guy walks into a butchers' shop and says 'Have you got a pigs' head' ?' and the butcher replies 'Nah, it's just the way I part my hair'.
Two snakes just sitting there when one turns to the other and says 'Are we venomous ?' and the second one says 'Yeah, why ?' and the first one says 'Shit, I've just bitten my lip'.
Did you hear about the bus load of Japanese tourists that were high jacked the other day ? The police received 12,000 photos of the high jacker.
I was getting on a plane the other day, feeling a little bit nervous, so I went up to the Captain and said 'How often do these planes crash.' The Captain turned to me and said 'Just once.'
There was a huge fat broad in line at a grocery store. She had a pager that beeped when a call came in. When the pager beeped, a little kid behind her yelled 'Look out mom - she's gonna back up!'
My mother-in-law was yelling at me the other day 'When you are dead, I am going to dance on your grave'. To which I replied 'That's OK, I'm going to be buried at sea'.
The manager asked his new secretary, 'Why don't you ever answer the phone?' 'Why should I?' the secretary retorted. 'Nine times out of ten, it's for you!'
Hooker says: 'Aren't you done yet?' Girlfriend says: 'Are you done already?' Wife says: 'Ceiling needs painting.'
Strutting around on Easter morning, a rooster spied a basket full of brightly coloured eggs. He shook his head - thought a while - then made a beeline across the barnyard and kicked the daylights out of the peacock...
This guy's sister was so ugly... Well, how ugly was she? She was so ugly even the tide wouldn't take her out.
What are the 3 greatest lies told by a New Zealander? 1. My grandmother was a Maori princess 2. I once tried out for the 'All Blacks' 3. Honest. I was only trying to help it over the fence.
