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Little Johnny: Our favourite naughty school kid

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father.
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?'
I said '6'
'But that's right!'
'Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'
'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'



Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob'.



Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!'



Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little Johnny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little Johnny answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business!'



A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, 'None, they all fly away with the first gun shot'
The teacher replies 'The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think.'
Then Little Johnny says 'I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone'
To which Little Johnny replied, 'The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think.'



Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he swore he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted.
Johnny said, 'I want a god-damned teddy-bear laying right fuckin' here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the god-damned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!'
Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, 'So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?'
Johnny replied, 'I think I got a god-damned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch.'



A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, 'My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.'



A first grade teacher was addressing her new class.
'Children, you are no longer in kindergarten, you must learn to use grown-up words now. I want everyone to tell me what they did over the summer. Sandy, you go first.' instructed the teacher.
'I went to see my Nana!' replied Sandy.
'No,' corrected the teacher, 'you went to visit your Grandmother.'
Billy was next. 'I rode on a choo-choo!'
'No Billy, you travelled on a train!' said the teacher. 'Johnny, what did you do?' she asked.
'I read a book' Johnny gleamed with pride!
'Very good, Johnny. What book did you read?' she asked
Johnny sat up straight in his, smiled with confidence and proudly said, 'Winnie the Shit!'



A little boy runs into the kitchen, crying.
His mother asks, 'Johnny, why are you crying?'
Johnny cries, 'Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!'
His mother says, 'You shouldn't cry because of that. You should *laugh*!'
Johnny breaks out in tears anew and says, 'But I *did*!'



A Sunday school teacher asked her class, 'Does anyone know Jesus' Mother's name?'
Susie raised her hand and said, 'It was Mary.' The teacher said, 'Very good Susie. Do you know Jesus' Father's name?'
Little Johnny said, 'Yes, it was Virg.' the teacher asked how he came up with her answer. He said, 'You know, Verg 'n Mary.....'



Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day. As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, fucking. 'What are they doing, Johnny?', Mary asked.
Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said, 'Well, he's scaring her.'
Little Mary said, 'Oh'.
They walked a little farther and Little Mary said, 'Scare me, Little Johnny'. Well, Little Johnny thought, 'What the Hell', so he took her into the bushes and 'scared' her.
After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. 'What are they doing, Little Johnny?', she asked.
'Well, he's scaring her.'
So Little Mary said, 'Scare me again, Johnny.'
Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes and 'scared' her again.
After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it. 'What are they doing, Little Johnny?', she asked again.
'Well, he's scaring her', Little Johnny said.
After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said, 'Scare me again, Little Johnny'.
Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled out, 'Boo, damn it, boo!'



One day, in an effort to help stir up a class full of listless students, Loretta asked the students to each come up and put on the blackboard something that had caused a lot of excitement around their houses lately.
Of course, Dirty Johnny was the first student to raise his hand, but Loretta knew he was going to write something dirty, so she called on Nancy instead. Nancy went up to the board and drew a flower, stating that the flowers they'd planted that spring were all blooming, and that was causing a lot of excitement around their house.
Loretta said, 'That's very nice, Nancy. Okay, who wants to go next?'
Again, Dirty Johnny is waving up a storm in the back of the room, but Loretta doesn't want to call on him because he's going to write something dirty. Instead, she calls on little Timmy, who goes up to the board and draws a stick figure of an animal.
'What kind of animal is that?' asks Loretta.
'That's a puppy,' says Timmy. 'We just got one of those, and it's caused a lot of excitement around our house lately.'
'That's very nice, Timmy,' she replies. 'Who wants to go next?'
Now Dirty Johnny is waving more than ever: finally unable to ignore him any longer, Loretta says, 'Okay, Johnny, you're next.'
Dirty Johnny goes up to the front of the classroom and draws a single dot on the board.
'What's that?' she asks (afraid of what the answer is going to be).
'That's a period,' answers Dirty Johnny. 'My sister's missed two of those, and you can bet that's caused a lot of excitement around OUR house!'



Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, 'Mummy, can little boys have babies?'
'No,' said his mom, 'of course not.'
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, 'It's okay, we can play that game again!'



Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall. 'Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?' asked the dad.
'It's not a nail,' said Johnny. 'It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock.'
Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, 'I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota.' So little Johnny handed the test tube over.
The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway.
He then asked his dad about the car. 'Oh,' said the father, 'your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother.'



Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, 'Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.'
The father thought some and said, 'Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said.' Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, 'Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.'
'Excellent, my boy,' he answered, 'What have you learned?'
Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, 'I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit.'



Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims 'Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?'
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mummy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out 'Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!'



Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!'



One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.' 'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. 'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,' he said. 'Excellent, Michael!'
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. 'Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'



Little Johnny was in school one day when a replacement teacher, unaware of Johnny's reputation, asked ' Give me a word beginning with the letter A'.
As eager as ever little Johnny jumped up. 'Well Johnny, what is your word' asked the teacher.
'My word beginning with A is Arse' replies Johnny.
Taken aback the teacher swiftly moved on. ' Give me a word beginning with the letter B'.
Once again little Johnny was the first with his hand in the air. 'What is it ' asked the teacher '.
My word beginning with B is Bollox' replies Johnny. With this the teacher makes Johnny stand in the corner admonishing him for his bad language.
'Let's continue our lesson' says the teacher, deciding that it may be prudent to skip the letter 'C'. 'Give me a word beginning with the letter D'.
As before little Johnny was the first with his hand in the air. Thinking that Johnny would not be able to make much of the letter 'D' she decided to give him a last chance. 'Okay Johnny, this time we do not want any foul language - give us your word beginning with 'D'.
My word beginning with D is Dwarf' replies Johnny.
'Very good Johnny' said a relieved teacher, 'But can you explain to the class what a dwarf is'.
'Sure', says Johnny raising his hand four foot from the floor ' It's a little cunt about this high'



While at school, the teacher promised a holiday on Monday to any student who could answer a tricky question.
She asks 'What's the name of our current Australian Prime Minister?'.
Little Sue Ming puts up her hand, and correctly responds 'John Howard'.
'Good girl, Sue Ming,' says the teacher, ' You can have Monday off.'
Sue Ming responds 'Thank-you Miss, but I would like to come to school on Monday so I can further my education'.
'OK', says the teacher, 'then class, who is Victoria's Premier?' Little Jackie Lee puts up his hand and correctly answers 'Jeff Kennett'
'Very good, Jackie,' says the teacher, 'Then, you can have Monday off.'
Young Jackie responds 'Thank-you Miss, but I would also like to come to school on Monday so I can further my education'.
From the back of the class, Little Johnnie shouts out 'Bloody Asians! They should kick 'em out of the country!'
'WHO SAID THAT?' demands the teacher.
Grabbing his bag &: heading for the door, Little Johnny responds 'Pauline Hanson. I'll see you all Tuesday!'



Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!
Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... They have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
Mother fainted.



Little Johnny goes to school one day and in show and tell he starts telling the kids that his dad has two dicks.
'That's not possible Johnny', says the teacher.
'Yes it is', says Johnny. 'I've seen both of them. One he uses to piss out of and the other one he uses to clean mummy's teeth with'.



Little Johnny is asked by the teacher one day at school what he did over the weekend.
'I spent all weekend blowing up frogs by sticking firecracker's up their asses' he replied.
'Rectum, Johnny, rectum', said the teacher.
'Bloody oath it rectum, Miss, it blew she shit out of them'.



Little Johnny runs in from outside playing with his mate Billy.
Johnny asks his mom where he comes from. Mum tells him everything and then asks Johnny if he now understands.
Johnny says, ' Gee I don't know Mum, Billy says he comes from Sydney '.



Little Johnny asks his dad about a homework question. He say's 'Dad, Please help me with this question, I have to describe the difference between 'Potentially' and 'Reality'.
Dad says, 'Well that is easy, go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the garbage man for one million dollars'.
Johnny comes back and say, 'She would !! '.
'Ok, now go and ask your mother'. said dad.
Little Johnny comes back saying she would also.
Dad says, 'now ask your brother !'.
After a little protest, Johnny asks his brother and upon return tells his dad that his brother would also sleep with the garbage man for a million dollars.
Dad says, 'So there you go little Johnny, Potentially we could have three Million Dollars in this family but in Reality we have two Sluts and one faggot'.



Johnny was at school in his history lesson when the teacher asked the class 'Who discovered Botany Bay &: When?'
Everyone went quiet except little Horohito who stood up and said: 'Ah Captain Cook in ah Seventeen seventy ah'.
The school teacher told off the rest of the class for not knowing their heritage and said: 'Fancy having a Japanese kid knowing more than you Aussie kids about your history'.
Just the someone from the back of the class yelled out: 'Fuck the Japs'.
The teacher screamed : 'Who said that?'
Johnny stood up and said, 'General Macarthur in 1945'.



Little Johnny was asked by the teacher to compose a sentence with the word 'contagious'.
He thought for a while and then said, 'Dad &: I were in the car following this truck with a load of pineapples when it went round the corner and all the pineapples fell out. As we went past Dad said 'It will take that contagious to pick all those up'.



Little Johnny was in the shower with his mother one day when after looking down he said to his mother 'What's that?' pointing to her pubic area.
'That's my sponge' says his mother.
'Oh, OK', said Johnny.
A few weeks went by and Johnny's mother had to go into hospital for an appendectomy and when she came out of course she had her pubic area shaved.
Johnny, upon seeing this said to his mother 'Where is your sponge?'
To which his mother said 'It's OK, I've just lost it. It will turn up somewhere'.
A while later Johnny comes bursting into the room and says to his mother 'Mum, I've found your sponge'.
'Where?', says his mother wondering where Johnny could have found it.
'It's upstairs. The maid is using it to wash daddy's face'.



Little Johnny was constantly telling stories &: exaggerating. In desperation, his parents decided they'd try sending him off to Sunday school.
After the class, they asked him what he'd learned. 'Well, I heard about this guy named Moses &: his people, and how this army chased them with tanks &: guns', he told them. 'The army chased Moses back up against the Red Sea. Then right at the last moment, they found some canoes and escaped.'.
Disgusted, his father said 'Now that's not what they told you, is it Johnny?'
Johnny said 'No, but I figured you'd believe that before you'd believe what they told me'.



You know about Johnny and his swearing problem.
Well, Johnny is sitting down at the dinner table eating his dinner with his hands when his mother walks in and says 'Where's your fork 'n knife'.
To which Johnny replies 'They're in the fork'n drawer'.



Little Johnny had a swearing problem so his mother thought that the only way to stop him from swearing was to give him a bashing whenever he swore.
Little Johnny sits down at the breakfast table and his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast.
Johnny replies 'I want fucking cornflakes.'
His mother immediately throws him to the ground and bashes the shit out of him. She sits him back at the table and again asks him what he wants for breakfast.
Johnny replies 'I want fucking cornflakes'.
His mother wrestles him back to he floor and bashes the living daylights out of him. Sits him back up, all bloodied and bruised and asks him what he wants for breakfast.
To which Johnny replies 'I don't want fucking cornflakes that's for sure'.



The teacher is standing in front of the class and she calls out to Jimmy to stand up and tell everyone what his father does for a living.
Jimmy stands up and says 'My father is a lawyer'.
'That's very good' says the teacher. 'What about you Jenny?'.
Jenny stands up and says 'My father is a doctor'.
'That's very good' says the teacher 'What about you Johnny?'
Johnny stands up and says 'My father doesn't do anything for a living, he is dead'.
'Oh dear', says the teacher. 'What did he do before he died?'
To which Johnny replies 'He went Uuuuuurrrrrggghhhhhh'.



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