Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.
So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy.'
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No,it ain't Paddy'.
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two assholes.'
'What, he had two assholes?' said the mortician.
'Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town,folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two assholes.'
There are these three guys, back in the days of King Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette. One is an American, one is an Englishman and one is Irish. Having transgressed the law they are all sentenced to death by guillotine.
The American steps up to the guillotine, lays his head down and looks up as the guillotine blade makes its way down. A millimetre before it hits his neck, it stops. Now the law of the guillotine is such that if it doesn't work the first time, you get off scot free. So up he gets and trundles away.
The Englishman gets up on the podium, lays his neck on the machine looks up and waits quietly. The guillotine blade starts to tear its way down and then suddenly stops. Feeling pretty happy, he gets up and walks away, free as a bird.
The Irish, steps up onto the stand, lays his neck on the machine, looks up, pauses and says to the executioner 'You know, I think I see your problem'.
There is this bloke and he is walking through the streets of Belfast when all of a sudden he feels this gun shoved into his back and a voice asks 'Are you Catholic or Protestant'.
The guy replies 'Neither. I am a Jew'.
To which the gunman laughs 'I must be the luckiest Palestinian in all Belfast'.
This guy walks into a supermarket one day.
The Irish assistant comes up to him and says 'How can I help you'.
The guy says 'I'm looking for a deodorant'.
The Irish assistant says to him 'Ball or aerosol ?'
And the guy says quizzically 'No. For under the arms'.
An American, and Australian and an Irishman are sitting on the scaffolding at the top of a new building eating their lunch and the American says 'If I get tuna salad in my sandwich one more time, I'm going to throw myself of this building'.
The Australian open his lunch, looks at it and says 'If I get cheese and Vegemite one more time, I'm going to throw myself of this building as well',
And young Paddy sitting down the end open his lunch, takes a look and says 'If I get a potato sandwich one more time, I'm going to throw myself off this building too'.
So the next day comes around and the lunch whistle blows, so they all sit down to lunch again. The American gets out his lunch and once again, it is tuna salad so he jumps off the building, the Australian gets out his lunch and lo and behold, it's cheese and Vegemite, so he jumps off the building as well, then Paddy opens his lunch and with the potato sandwich still in hand he hurls himself off the building.
At the funerals a few days later, the wives are left lamenting the passing of their husbands and the American wife says 'If only I had of known he hated tuna salad so much, I wouldn't have made it every day'.
The Australia wife says 'He's been eating cheese and Vegemite since he was kid, ah, if only I had know, I wouldn't have kept making the same sandwiches.'
Then the Irish wife pipes up and says 'Oh it's so sad what has happened, but Paddy made his own lunch'.
An Irish pilot got lost in a fog so he called the control tower for landing instructions.
'Can you give me your height and position' radioed back the tower.
'About 5 foot 7 and sitting up the front' said the Irishman.
An announcement came over the loudspeakers at Tullamarine airport.
'Next plane for Athens with be at seven o'clock'.
'Next plane for London with be at eight o'clock'.
'Next plane for Dublin with be when the big hand is pointing straight up and the little hand is pointing at the nine'.
Paddy and Mick emigrate to Australia. Before leaving, Paddy's old man tells him to 'wotch owt for dem Aussie taxee droivers, thiy'll rob you blind. Always barter with dem.'.
On arriving in Sydney the pair catch a cab from the airport to their city hotel. The meter reads $19.00.
'That'll be $19.00 please mate' said the driver.
'No way, oi know all about you cab droivers, Oi'll give $15 and not a cent more' said Mick.
'Aye, and oi'll only be giving you $15 too' said Paddy.
Paddy went to the races, Knowing absolutely nothing about horses he picks the one with the best name, Sir Lancelot. Anyway this horse has odds of 2000 to 1. Any body with racing experience knows that a snail would give a horse like this a run for it's money.
Anyway, they get to the loading blocks and after several minutes they start to race.
After a couple hundred meters Sir Lancelot who happened to be doing quite well suddenly turned around and started heading back to the starting block. Paddy started getting all exited and stood up screaming go Sir Lancelot, go Sir Lancelot. A few seconds later Sir Lancelot crossed the finish line the opposite way. Old Paddy was ecstatic and yelled out I'm rich.
His English mate who was with him said 'Hey Paddy why are you so happy, that was one dud of a horse, For crying out loud, he ran the wrong bloody way'.
'That does not matter' Paddy said with a grin 'I backed it both ways'
Pat and Mick are standing on this huge cliff with an enormous drop below, Pat has a budgie on his shoulder and Mick has a parrot.
Pat decides to take the plunge and jumps, He lands at the bottom of the cliff, broken legs, arms bruises, You name it. He calls up to Mick, come on Mick we said we would do it.
Mick jumps and halfway down he pulls a gun out of his pocket and shoots the parrot, then lands splatt at the bottom. Broken arms, legs and Christ knows what else.
He turns to Pat, scratches his head and says 'I don't know, but there must be more to this budgie jumping and parrot shooting'
An Irishman goes to Germany because he wants to drive on the Autobahn. On the radio he hears:
'Motorists on the autobahn be careful, a car is driving on the wrong side of the road.'
The Irishman says: 'ONE!?!' 'There's Hundreds'.
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
'Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?'
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: 'But that is not nine!'
'Oh yes it is', said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, 'Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!'
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: 'But that is not ninety nine!'
'Oh yes it is', said the Irishman, 'Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine.'
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: 'But that is not 100!'
'Oh yes it most certainly is', said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, 'Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!'
Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.
'You'd never believe it,' said Paddy, 'but I got it in church.'
He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they all stood for a hymn he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum.
'All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned round and hit me,' said Paddy.
It was a week later and Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye. 'I got it in church,' he began to explain.
He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for the hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bum.
'My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I know she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back!'
Paddy had been stranded on the deserted island for two years. Then one afternoon a lifeboat drifted close enough for him to swim to it and drag it on the beach, where he knocked it to bits and made a raft
Paddy was coming through customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.
'What have you there?' asked the suspicious officer.
'Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me,' said Paddy.
The officer took the bottle and tried some. 'Why, it's Irish whisky,' he spluttered.
'Lord bless me,' said Paddy. 'Another bloomin' miracle.'
There was a power failure in a Dublin department store.
Thousands of shoppers were stranded on the escalators for hours.
'Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?'
'And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?' replied O'Flaherty.
Young Teresa came home and related the awesome news to her parents. She was pregnant.
'How do you know it's yours?' asked her dad.
'Teresa has just had twins,' roared Murphy angrily. 'Wait till I get my hands on the other fellow.
Murphy arrived home later from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble. As he stumbled up the stairs his wife called out: 'Is that you, Murphy?'
'Be Crikey it darned well better be!'
Paddy: 'If you can guess how many chooks I have in this bag you can have both of them.'
'Three?' suggested Shaun.
My mate Pat lives on a farm out the back of the black stump. He doesn't get to many visitors, so I went to see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, tall and straight, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said 'well that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?'
He replied 'I was reading the news paper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field'.
Two Irish blokes are out drinking one night and one pipes up with 'Patty, me lad, when I die - I want you to pour a jar of your best home brew over me grave. Will you do that, Patty me boy?'
And being a good friend, Pat agrees.
After thinking it over a bit, Pat asks 'Do you mind if I pass it though me kidneys first?'