A man came home from work after a horrible day at the office. His wife has complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and he denied it. When he comes through the door his wife greets him and says, 'Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?'
'Oh, I don't know. You got your hair done.'
'Nope, try again.'
'Oh, uh, you bought a new dress.'
'Nope, keep trying.'
'You got your nails done.'
'Nope, try again.'
'I give up, I'm too tired to play 20 questions.'
'I'm wearing a gas mask!'
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, 'Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?'
'Nonsense,' said the husband, 'I can remember a dish of ice cream!'
'Well,' said the wife, 'I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget.'
'Don't be silly,' replied the husband. 'A dish of ice cream and some
strawberries. I can remember that!'
'OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget,' said the wife.
'Come now, my memory's not all that bad,' said the husband. 'No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.'
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, 'Hey, where's the toast?'
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
'Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?'
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
'Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.'
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
'Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.'
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
'Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.'
An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been hoodwinked.
Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. 'How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?'
'Well,' says the pilot, 'it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years.'
'I can understand that,' replies the doctor. 'But what about the take-off?'
'Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!'
'But once you're aloft?'
'Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself.'
'But I still don't see how you land!'
'Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!'
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.
This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him and says, 'There's this dwarf with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you.'
Sure enough the dwarf turns up. The owner asks him, 'Do you want a male horse or a female horse?'
'A female horth', the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.
'Nith horth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?'
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?'
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. 'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nith eerth' he says 'now, can I see her twot?'
With this the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, 'Maybe I should wefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound!'
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
'Oh, no laundry,' the boy said, 'I'm going to wash my dog.'
'But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.'
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
'Oh, he died,' the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, 'I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.'
'Well,' the boy replied, 'I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.'
'Oh? What was it then?'
'I think it was the spin cycle!'
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'
The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?'
'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'
'Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'
The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'
'You a smoker?' the demon asked.
'You better believe it!'
'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?'
'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'
The demon continued. 'I bet you like to gamble.'
'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?'
The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean ...'
'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'
'Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
The demon said, 'You gay?'
'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.'
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
'But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'
The scene is set, night, cold, campfire, stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins....
Kiven ,the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there es. Why, just the other day, I landed in a field, scared a crocodile who got loose from the swamp which ate sux men before I wrestled et to the ground... weth my bare hends'.
Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny trail ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and beet it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here todaiy'.
Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks 'Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?' The nine year old replies 'Nope, not for my mom.'
Without thinking, the cashier responded 'Well, they must be for your sister then?'
The nine year old quipped, 'Nope, not for my sister either.'
The cashier had now become curious 'Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?'
The nine year old says 'They're for my four year old little brother.'
The cashier is surprised 'Your four year old little brother??'
The nine year old explains: 'Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!'
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out..... caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, 'What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!'
Other bum says, 'Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?'
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, 'How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?'
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
'I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!'
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $ 5, 000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. 'Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce, ' the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $5, 000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
'That will be $5, 000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest, ' the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
'Wait sir, ' the loan officer said, 'while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5, 000?'
The man smiled. 'Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?'
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here'? She said, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank' 'Amazing, ' he said, 'I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you?
'It is only me, ' she said, 'and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did.' 'Well then, ' said the man, 'how did you get the rowboat?' 'I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, ' replied the woman. 'The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree'.
'But, but, ' asked the man, 'what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?' 'Oh, no problem, ' replied the woman, 'on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired It to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, ' she said. 'Where do you live?'
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. 'Well, let's row over to my place, ' she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
'It's not much, ' she said, 'but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?' 'No, ' said the man, 'one more coconut juice and I will puke.' 'It won't be coconut juice, ' the woman replied, 'I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, 'Tell me, have you always had a beard?' 'No, ' the man replied, 'I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship.' 'Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.' So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
'You look great, ' said the woman, 'I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable.' So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. 'Tell me, ' she asked, 'we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now.'
'Yes there is, ' the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. 'Tell me.. Do you happen to have an Internet connection?'
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect.12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, 'tell me when we're having fun' kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain didn't go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yep, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backwards, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
'So, how'd you break your leg?' she asked, making small talk.
'It was the damnedest thing you ever saw, ' he said. 'I was riding up the ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift. So, how'd you break your arm?'
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, 'I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be completed.'
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural. To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of making love. Furious, he called the artist in.
'What the hell is this??' screamed the billionaire.
'Why, that's exactly what you asked for,' said the artist smugly.
'No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!'
'And there you have it,' said the artist. 'I call it 'Holy Cow! Look At All Those Fucking Indians!'
A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
'The one on the left costs $500,' says the store owner.
'Why so much?' asks the customer.
'Because it can program in C,' answers the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, 'That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology.'
The startled man then asks about the third monkey.
'That one costs $3000,' answers the store owner.
'3000 dollars!!' exclaims the man. 'What can that one do?'
To which the owner replies, 'To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant.'
Three kids got really low grades in their sex education test, they were discussing ways to get 'back' at their teacher:
First Kid (who got a D+) 'I'm gonna grab her and throw her on the ground'
2nd Kid (who got a D-) 'Yeah, then I'm gonna rip her panties off'
3rd Kid (who got a F) 'Yeah good idea, then I'll kick her in the balls!!'
A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.
'You don't scare me,' the man said, looking her over calmly. 'I married your sister.'
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, 'You just put 'Ole died'
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, 'That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.'
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, 'O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'
As the chemist walked back into his shop after his lunch break he noticed an individual clinging with white knuckles to the lamp-post outside. 'What happened to him?' he asked his assistant who had been minding business while he was away.
'He's got a bad cough.', replied the assistant.
'What did you give him?' the chemist asked.
'A powerful laxative' , the assistant replied, 'now he daren't cough.'
An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by association.
Later, the man was talking to a neighbour about how much the class helped him.
'Who was the instructor?' asked the neighbour.
'Oh, let's see,' pondered the man. 'Umm...what's that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns...?'
'A rose?' offered the neighbour.
'Right,' said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, 'Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?'
One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes: anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says 'OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money.'
No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says 'OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house.'
Still no one moves. 'OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes.'
Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. 'OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle: everything I own.'
'Splash!' Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.
'That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?' 'I don't want the money.' 'Do you want the house now or later?' 'I don't want the house.' 'Do you want the cars and planes now or later?' 'I don't want the cars or the planes.' 'Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?' 'I don't want that either.' 'Do you want the drugs now or later?' 'I don't want the drugs.' 'Do you want the girls now or later?' 'I don't want the girls.' The rich guy looks at him and says 'Well what the hell do you want?!?!'
'I want the bastard that pushed me in.'
A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.
Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the centre of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen.
He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.
Just then his cellular telephone rang. When he answered it, he discovered it was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the homeowner had just called them in a panic.
It seems their son's favourite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?
Two farmers are shooting the shit out in the fields.
The first farmer starts bragging about how his dog can count.
The second farmer, not believing this, says 'Prove it'.
So the first farmer says 'OK Rex, go count the ducks in the pond'.
So Rex runs takes off and comes back a minute later and barks four times.
The first farmer says, 'Four ducks in the pond'.
So the second farmer walks over to the pond and sure enough, four ducks are in the pond. He goes back to the fields and says, 'That's bullshit, let's see him do that again!'.
The first farmer looks at Rex and says, 'do it again boy'.
So Rex runs down to the pond again and when he returns he barks ten times.
The second farmer goes back down to the pond where, lo and behold, there are ten ducks. 'Shit!' said the farmer. However, he still was not convinced. So, he goes back to the first farmer and says 'One more time'.
So the first farmer again dispatches Rex to the pond.
Moments later, Rex returns and begins to vigorously fuck the first farmer's leg and then he proceeds to pick up a stick and begins shaking it like hell.
The second farmer gloats, 'See, that fucking dog can't count. He's gone #%&:**#@! mad!!'.
The first farmer says, 'No, No, you don't understand him. He's saying, there are more fucking ducks down there than you can shake a stick at!'.
Over a pleasant evening meal some friends and I were discussing going to the gym and the various effects of working out.
Somebody mentioned that it was possible to get 'pectoral inserts' for the 'reasonable' cost of $6000.
I snickered, looked completely aghast and commented, 'For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same result without surgery.'
Rob replied, 'For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like.'
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said,' My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.'
The second deaf man said, ' Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.'
The first deaf man asked, ' So what did you do?'
'I turned out the light,' the second man replied.
On a special Teacher's Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, 'I bet I know what it is....some flowers.'
'That's right!' said the boy. 'But how did you know?'
'Just a wild guess,' she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, 'I bet I can guess what it is...a box of candy.'
'That's right! But how did you know?' asked the girl.
'Just a lucky guess,' said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it over her head but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. 'Is it wine?' she asked.
'No,' the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue.
'Is it champagne?' she asked.
'No,' the boy replied.
The teacher then said, 'I give up, what is it?'
The boy replied, 'A puppy!'
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.
There were once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other...
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, 'In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.'
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor, clutching his nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, 'OK, now it's my turn to kick you.'
The Scotsman said, 'Keep the fucking egg.'
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain: they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, 'But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.'
A guy and his wife were speeding down the interstate when a state cop pulls him over.
The man says, 'What's the problem officer?'
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going 80.
Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I will also give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for months.
Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I will also give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells, 'Bitch! Shut your damn mouth!
Officer turns to the woman and says,
'Ma'm, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?'
Wife says, 'No, only when he's drunk.'
There was this little zebra which asked his mother: 'Mother, am I black with white stripes, or am I white with black stripes?'
His mother said: 'I don't know, go ask the lion, for he is the king of animals!'
The little zebra went to the lion and asked him: 'Lion, am I black with white stripes, or am I white with black stripes?'
The lion said: 'I don't know, go ask the leopard, for he is the fastest of all animals!'
The little zebra went to the leopard and asked him: 'Leopard, am I black with white stripes, or am I white with black stripes?'
The leopard said: 'I don't know, go ask the owl, for he is the smartest of all animals!'
The little zebra went to the owl, and asked him: 'Owl, am I black with white stripes, or am I white with black stripes?'
The owl said : 'Little zebra, you are white with black stripes!'
The zebra asked : 'Owl, how do you know this?'
The owl replied: 'Little zebra, if you were black with white stripes you would have asked me: YO! Owl, my man! D'ya think I be black with them white stripes or what?'
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
'Senor, these are the cojones,' the waiter replied.
'The what, you say?' exclaimed the tourist.
'They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,' explained the waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: 'Today's cojones are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday.'
'True, senor,' said the waiter, 'you see the bull, he does not always lose.'
A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says 'Stop that and put it away!' The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing.
'Okay, what's so funny?' asks the cop.
'Fooled you.' says the drunk 'I put it away, but I didn't stop.'
We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. We live in a semi-rural area. 'The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
The FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD (Los Angeles Police Department)are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: 'Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
'Spot!' called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.
'SPOT!' she called out sharply.
'I've got it made,' thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
'SPOT!!' shrieked the mother. 'Get over here before he shits on you!'
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms. The second no legs. And the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and 'splash' they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:
' Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me'
Mexican goes into job interview and is asked to use the words, 'green', 'pink', and 'yellow' in a sentence.
The gent replies:
'Last nite I heard the phone go 'greeeeen, greeen'. I pink it up and say, 'yellow?'
'It's just to hot to wear clothes today,' said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money.'
There was an Arab Oil Sheik with three sons.
As the oldest son neared 21 years of age, the Sheik asked the boy what he would like for his birthday.
'I'd like an aeroplane.' He replied. So the Sheik bought him Boeing.
As the next son neared 21 years of age, the Sheik asked him what he would like for his birthday.
'I'd like a car.' He replied. So the Sheik bought him a Rolls Royce.
As the third son, a boy of simple pleasures, neared 21 years of age, the Sheik asked him what he would like for his birthday.
'I'd like a Mickey Mouse outfit, Dad.' He replied. So the Sheik bought him )insert your company name here).
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: 'the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars'.
'Why, does the parrot cost so much' asks the first man. The owner says 'Well the parrot knows how to use a computer'.
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question 'What can it do?'
To which the owner replies 'to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!'.
The Vice-President Presidents Wife.
After the company holiday party, a vice-president woke up with a gigantic hangover. He turned over and groaned to his wife, 'What in the hell happened last night?' 'As usual, you made an ass out of yourself in front of the chairman of the board.'
'Piss on him,' the man answered.
'You did,' she said, 'And he fired you.'
'Screw him!' the man responded.
'I did. You go back to work on Monday.'
Three men die and are waiting at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter tells them that there will be a slight delay but not to worry that he will have Albert Einstein visit with them during their wait.
Albert arrives and introduces himself to the first man and asks, 'What is your IQ?' to which the first man answers, '241'.
'That is wonderful!', says Albert. 'We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!'.
Albert introduces himself to the second man and asks, 'What is your IQ?' to which the second man answers, '144'.
'That is great!', responds Albert. 'We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!'
Albert goes to the third man and asks, 'What is your IQ?' to which the third man answers, '51'.
'How about those Pies eh?', says Albert.
It seems that the recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. However the Recreational Director asked ' If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?' It was agreed.
They sat down and 'Stand up, nuts' Everyone stood up 'Sit down, nuts' Everyone sat down. 'Look behind you nuts' Everyone turned around. Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the 3rd inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion, people running helter skelter. He asked what happened.
A person said 'Someone called out 'Peanuts'.
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, 'I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire.'
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it.
Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, 'Ole!' and quickly moved it aside.
A widow was attending her husband's funeral when she noticed that he was wearing a brown suit. She went to the funeral director and told him that she had specifically asked that her husband be buried in a blue suit that she had bought just for his funeral. She demanded that her husband be changed into the blue. The funeral director protested, saying that the funeral was about to start. The lady then said 'Who's paying for this?' Seeing the logic in the lady's response, he had the coffin wheeled out. About five minutes later they wheeled the coffin back in and her husband was wearing the blue suit. The funeral proceeded as scheduled. After the funeral the lady went up to the director and thanked him for all he did. She then asked how they were able to change her husband's suit so fast. To this the funeral director told her 'Maam, there was a gentleman whose funeral is tomorrow that was wearing a blue suit. We just switched heads.'
One day, Jeff Kennett is being driven through the Victorian outback, when the driver swerves to avoid a pot hole and hits a pig on the side of the road, killing it.
Jeff suggests to the driver that he should go up to the farm house and apologise for the accident and offer to pay for the damages.
An hour later, the driver returns, with all his clothes torn, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cuban cigar in the other, and swaying left to right as he walked.
Jeff asks the driver what happened.
'Well, the farmer gave me this bottle, his wife gave me this cigar, and his beautiful 19 year old daughter made passionate love to me!'
'Bloody hell - what did you tell them?'
'I said 'Hi, I'm Jeff Kennett's driver and I just killed the pig!'
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react: thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: 'You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!'
A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun.
He explains 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.' Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!'
This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?'
The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks 'Well, so what's the answer?' Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:
'Zelda, you've always been by my side. When I broke my leg at 25: you were by my side. When I had my first heart attack at 45: you were by my side. When I had my second heart attack at 65: you were by my side. When I broke my hip at 75: you were by my side.
'And now when I'm dying: you are at my side.
'Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!'
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought he'd better do something. He spoke to all the girls that wore lipstick and asked them to meet him in the ladies room at 2pm.
When they arrived they found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies would better understand the problem if they saw how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a bedraggled brush on a long handle out of a box. He dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
The teacher noticed that Al had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. 'Al,' she said, 'if the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?'
'Thirty-four,' Al answered unhesitatingly.
The teacher replied 'Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me - how did you guess?'
'Oh, there's nothing to it,' Al said, 'My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy.'
The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately to take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared ? He was all alone.
So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, ' you really know what I think ?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it.'
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story, drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks.
But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go.
The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
'What the fucking is so funny?' asked one of the scientist.
'You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!'
An Italian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French woman came in first, the English woman second. The Italian woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, 'I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.
Two guys are walking in the desert. One is carrying a lamp post, the other one has a telephone booth.
'Why are you carrying a telephone booth ?'
'When the lions come, I put it down, get into it and I'll be safe'.
'And why are you carrying an lamppost ?'
'When the lions come, I'll throw it away, so I can run faster.'
A man marries a JEG/KfS [Joke Ethnic Group/Known for Stupidity] woman and all is well for a time. And, as such things happen, they eventually are going to have a baby.
The woman's time comes, and as she is taken into the operating room, she calls he husband over and says to him:
'Honey, there's something I really have to tell you.'
'Can't this wait' says the husband.
'No', explains the wife. 'There is as a very old tradition in JEG/KfS families that the oldest living male always gets to name any new children born to anyone in the family. That means my brother must name our children. I know this comes as a shock, but I couldn't tell you earlier, because I didn't want to upset you.'
'But, but...' sputters the husband 'I know your brother. There's no question but that he'll screw this up!'
'I'm sorry' says the wife, 'but that's the way it has to be.'
Time is getting short, and not wanting to upset his wife any further, the husband finally relents. The blessed time comes, and to every one's surprise the mother gives birth to a set of healthy, beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. The father is of course delighted, but his happiness is tempered by the question he knows he must ask his wife. Finally, he can put it off no longer.
'All right' he asks, taking a deep breath, 'what did your brother name our daughter?'
'Denise' says the mother, quietly.
'Oh', says the surprised father. 'That's a pretty name. Perhaps this won't be so bad after all. What did he name our son?'
'Denephew' said the mother.
There's two men at a job interview. The Human Resources manager at The Company has interviewed them both, and he walks into the lobby, where the two men are anxiously awaiting the results. 'Gentlemen,' the interviewer says, 'I have a problem. Both of you are exactly what The Company is looking for: you're both extremely qualified and well educated. However, there's only one job available. Since creativity is a very important aspect of this job, here's what I want you to do. I want you to create a poem ending with Timbuktu.' The interviewer looks at the first man and tells him to go first. Mustering all of his thoughts, he thoughtfully pauses then says:
Out across the desert sands Rode a lonely caravan Underneath the sky so blue Destination: Timbuktu
The interviewer is impressed. He looks over to the second man, who appears nervous. The interviewer wonders how the second guy is going to top a poem like that. Just when the interviewer thinks the second man is going to concede defeat, the second man finally says:
Fishing, me and Tim a-went Saw some ladies in a tent They being three and we being two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two!
A hunter in Uganda is being sought by local authorities for illegally hunting gorillas. He shoots them with a tranquilliser gun and dresses them in clown suits. So far six gorillas have been found wandering around in this condition.
A Ugandan spokesman stated that this was a person with a truly sick sense of humour. They felt this was a cruel practice, since they had to tranquillise the gorillas again to take the suits off !
A man phoned home and the maid answered.
Man: can I speak with my wife?
Maid: she's in the bedroom with her boyfriend.
Man: do you know where I keep the shotgun?
Maid: yes sir.
Man: get it, and kill my #$@! wife and her boyfriend.
Maid: please hold. [moments pass] What should I do with the bodies?
Man: I don't care: throw them in the pool!
Maid: what pool?
Man: wait a minute, is this 546-2135?
Red Riding Hood was on her way to her grandmothers place when she saw a Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. 'My what big eyes you have,' said Red Riding Hood. The wolf runs away...
A little further down the track Red Riding Hood sees the wolf crouched behind a tree. 'My what big ears you have,' said Red Riding Hood. Again, the wolf runs away.
Little Red Riding Hood was getting a little suspicious by this time but continued on her way to grandma's. About 2 miles down the road she sees the wolf again, this time he is squatting behind a road sign.
'My what big teeth you have,' said Red Riding Hood. With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'WILL YOU FUCK OFF? I'M TRYING TO HAVE A SHIT!!'
A wife wanders into the lounge room, where her husband sits. She's looking a little depressed, and he inquires why.
'All my life' she says' I've wanted larger breasts. It's not much to ask ... just a little larger. When I was a young girl and all the other girls started to grow and develop, nothing seemed to happen to me.
'After a while they did, but they've always been so small. I mean, I'm not asking to be Dolly Parton or anything, but it just gets me down a bit at times.'
Husband nods knowingly.
'I've thought about breast enlargement surgery,' she continues, 'but the thought of those silicon bags inside me worries me. I just don't know what to do'.
He looks sympathetic.
'Why don't you try rubbing them with toilet paper', he says.
She looks aghast. 'Toilet Paper!!! Why the hell would I rub my breasts with toilet paper??'
'Well, it worked on your arse'.
A policeman saw two little boys making the family dog pull their billycart around so he called them over.
'You can't make your dog pull the billycart' he said 'It's cruelty to animals'.
The policeman then noticed a piece of string tied around the dog's testicles, the other end was firmly held by one of the lads.
'You can't tie string to your dog's testicles' the policeman said 'That's even worse!!'
One boy turned to the other 'What are testicles?' he whispered.
'Dunno' his friend replied 'He must be talking about the overtaking gear!'.
A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. (i.e. elevator doors)
The boy asked his father, 'What is this, Father?'. The father responded, 'Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!'.
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, 'Go get your mother'.
One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: 'Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer.' A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.
The office manager said, 'I can't hire a dog for this job.'
The dog pointed to the line: 'An equal opportunity employer.'
So the manager said, 'Okay, take this letter and type it.'
The dog went off to the typewriter and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly typed.
The manager said: 'Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it.'
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. 'I can't hire a dog for this position,' he said. 'You've got to be bilingual.'
The dog looked up at the manager and said, 'MEOW'.
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise.
'The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,' explains the guide. 'The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.'
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop'
'Wait a minute' says the man taking the tour. 'I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?' 'Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,' says the guide. 'It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.'
'Well, that can't be good for the condoms' 'Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business'
The revolutionary was taken away to be executed after a failed coup attempt. It was over 40 degrees and after 5 kilometers into an 8 kilometer march to the place of execution the revolutionary said 'It's bad enough that I'm going to be shot, but why do I have to march 8 kilometers in this awful heat'.
'What are you complaining about ?' the captain of the firing squad asked, with sweat running down his face. 'We have to march all the way back.'
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, 'What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?'
The young man replies 'A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost $500,000.
'That's a lot of money' says the old man, shocked. 'Why does it cost so much?
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, 'Can I take a look inside? 'Sure,' replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says 'That's a pretty nice car, all right!'
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my 7?' the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! 'Couldn't be,' thinks the guy. 'How could a moped outrun an RX-7?'
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, 'You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man groans and replies 'Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!'
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: 'Jesus is watching you!'
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
'Jesus is watching you,' the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: 'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?'
'Yes', said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: 'What's your name?'
'Clarence,' said the bird.
'That's a dumb name for a parrot,' sneered the burglar. 'What idiot named you Clarence?'
The parrot said, 'The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.'
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area:
'It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!'
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
'OK, follow me,' he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
'Now, do you see that tree over there?' he asked.
'Yes, yes, yes!' the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
' Good,' said the first bat, 'Because I fucking didn't!'
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. 'Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!', he whined.
'You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!', retorted the officer. 'You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!'
'Oh my gaaawd...,' replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, 'Where's my Rolex?!!!!!'
A computer programmer was walking along the side of a lake when he came across a funny looking frog. The guy picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and went on his way.
A couple of minutes of walking later, the man heard a cry from inside his pocket, 'help, help'! He took out the frog, looked at it, smiled, and put it back into his pocket.
Again, 'help, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess'. Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again.
Moments later, 'Help me, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess. I'll do_anything_ if_ you_ help_ me, anything'!
The man simply took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again!
The little green frog again screamed out 'Help, I'm the most beautiful princess, if you kiss me and help me I'll do anything, marry you, sleep with you, give you money, ANYTHING'
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and said 'I'm a Conversion programmer, I work too much so a girlfriend or wife is of no use to me. But a small talking green frog is really cool.'
Through the centre of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : 'Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!' The young woman is thinking : 'Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me.' The Russian soldier is thinking : 'Now that's a smart Czech, he steal the kiss and I get slapped.' And the Czech dissident is thinking : 'Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier.
Ronald and Nancy Reagan were in a restaurant for dinner. The waiter approached Nancy to take her order. 'I'll have the fish thanks, on a bed of steamed rice with a white wine sauce.' 'And the vegetable?' asked the waiter. 'He'll have the same.' came the reply
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
'Mind if I have a few?' he asks.
'No, not at all,' the woman replies.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of having eaten just a few peanuts, he has nearly emptied the bowl.
'I'm very sorry for having eaten all of your peanuts, I really meant to eat just a few.'
'Oh, that's all right,' the woman says. 'Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.'
A man walks into a supermarket to buy some cat food. He goes into the checkout counter to pay for the cat food. To his surprise the clerk asked him, 'do you own a cat?', he replies ' Oh course I do'....clerk says '.Well I'm sorry, If I can't see or touch the cat I can't sell you any cat food. PUT IT BACK ON THE SHELF'.
A few days later he goes back to buy some dog food. The clerk asked him again...do you own a dog? Again she tells him, If I can't see or touch the dog, I can't sell you any dog food. PUT IT BACK ON THE SHELF.
He returns the next day, with a brown paper bag, goes up to the clerk again, and said to her, put your hand into this paper bag. Now I want you to touch it and see it. She pulls her hand out, and in a high pitched scream, yells out OH MY GOD IT'S SHIT!.....
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT BABY!.....Now will you sell me four rolls of toilet paper?
A man asked his neighbor to help him move a sofa that was stuck in the doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted but the sofa still wouldn't budge. 'Forget it,' said the man finally. 'We're never go to get it in.' The neighbor looked at him and said quizzically 'In?
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his overalls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his arse.
The woman watches these two go at it and is totally disgusted and pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, 'You're right Leroy, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm'.
There's this fella with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!' But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, 'OK for you,' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, 'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.'
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, 'By the way -- what did the chicken do?'
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was 'T-Square', and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which he did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog, 'Balance', could do better. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog, 'Apothecary', could do better yet. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this without a hitch.
All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant called his dog, whose name was 'Coffee break', and said, 'Show the fellows what you can do, old buddy.' Coffee Break then strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers' Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
Nursery school teacher says to her class..' Who can use the word
'Definitely' in a sentence?'
First little girl says 'The sky is definitely blue'
Teacher says, 'sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange...'
Second little boy...'Trees are definitely green'
'Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown...'
Little Abie from the back of the class stands up and says..
'Does a fart have lumps?'
The teacher looks horrified and says...
'Abie! Of course not!!!'
'OK, then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants...'
A man decides to go back to study. He's walking around the uni campus trying to decide what he'll study. He comes upon a sign that says 'College of Assumption' and wonders what one studies there.
The Dean happens to be walking past, stops and says, 'Excuse me, you look a little confused there. Can I help you?'
'Yeah,' says the man. 'What's the 'College of Assumption'?'
'It's where one goes to learn the art of assuming,' replies the Dean.
The man still looks confused so the Dean says,
'OK, I'll explain it to you. Let me assume you have dog, right?'
'Right!' says the man.
'OK, so I assume you have a backyard?'
'Yep!' says the man.
'So I then assume you have a house.'
'So I can assume you have a family?'
'So I can assume you have a wife.'
'So I can then assume you are a heterosexual'
'Right! Wow, that's great,' says the man, and promptly enrolls in the 'College of Assumption'.
A few months later, he's walking around the campus and comes upon a man standing in front of the 'College of Assumption' sign looking confused.
'Can I help you?' he offers.
'Yeah, what's this 'College of Assumption' about?' asks the confused man.
'OK, I'll explain it to you,' says the man. 'Do you have a dog?'
'No,' replies the confused man.
The man steps back in shock and says, 'You poof!!'
An army lieutenant, fresh from West Point, walked up to his first sergeant and said, 'Sarge, we just got some bad news. Private Joblonski's grandmother has died. Since he's one of your men, would you break the news to him?'
The sergeant snapped a 'Yes, sir' and walked to the barracks door, opened it and shouted, 'Jablonski! Your grandmother's dead.'
The lieutenant was appalled. 'Sergeant, that's no way to deal with this kind of situation. Poor Jablonski must be devastated both by the news and by your Neanderthal delivery of the information. I'm sending you to sensitivity school.'
After two months schooling, the sergeant was back at his post. 'How did sensitivity training go, sergeant?' the lieutenant asked.
'Very well, sir,' the sergeant replied. 'I believe I'm much more capable now to deal with the men when unpleasant situations arise.'
'Good, because we just received word that Private Lopez's grandmother has died. Why don't you try out your new skills and break the news to him.'
'Yes, sir,' the sergeant answered. He walked to the barracks, opened the door and shouted 'Ten hut!' As the men stood at rigid attention beside their racks, the sergeant called, 'Would everyone with living grandmothers please take one step forward. WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN', LOPEZ ?'
This good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk.
Wanting to help, he asked the drunk 'do you live here?'
'Would you like me to help you upstairs?'
When they got up on the second floor he asked 'Is this your floor?'
Then he got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.
But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another drunk.
So he asked that drunk 'Do you live here?'
'Would you like me to help you upstairs?'
So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him.
But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried 'For God's sake, officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!'
A math/engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering.
Then, one of the engineers said 'here comes the conductor' and then all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said 'tickets please' and got tickets from all the math majors. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said 'tickets please' and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid.
So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the engineer lookout said 'Conductor coming! ' All the engineers went to the bathroom, all the math majors went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said 'ticket please'.
There were these 3 cowboy mice getting together doing their normal thing.
'You know,' said the first, 'I eat poisonous cheese.'
The others looked at him unnerved.
'Oh yes, I quite thrive on it actually - breakfast, lunch and tea.'
'Well it's not that tough you know,' said the second, 'I wear mouse traps on my ears - all the time. I hardly even notice they're there.'
'Well I'm outta here,' said the third.
The other two look at him suspiciously - 'Where are you going?'
'Oh, I'm off to fuck the cat.'
A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed 'Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish.'
Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him. 'Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish.'
The little fellow turned to him. 'How d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for me rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N.'
A young mouse was running through the forest on a windy day, and a sudden gust of wind blew his jacket right off, and up into the branches of a tree.
The mouse, looking about, spotted an owl sitting in another tree. So, the mouse yelled up at the owl, 'Oh, wise old Mr. Owl! I've lost my jacket and it is hanging from the branches of a high tree. Can you help me retrieve it?'
The owl hooted and replied, 'It is simple young master mouse. All you must do is fly up into that tree, retrieve your jacket, and fly down again.'
The mouse looked perplexed and said, 'But Mr. Owl, I cannot fly.'
The owl hooted again and said, 'Don't bother me with details, I'm a consultant, not a manager.'
An out-of-work ventriloquist hangs out the shingle as a necromancer (someone who communicates with the dead).
On his first day, a woman comes in and says, 'I would like to speak with my husband, who died several years ago. If you can get him to speak to me from the beyond, I will pay you $10,000.'
His reply was 'Madam, for $10,000 he will speak to you as I drink a glass of water.'
A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.
The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.
When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, 'can the bird talk?'
The auctioneer replied, 'Who do you think was bidding against you?'
There was once a Kiwi building a house and an Aussie stopped to watch.
Pretty soon the Aussie noticed that the Kiwi would some times take a nail out of his apron, look at it and then throw it away.
So he walked up to the Kiwi and asked why he was throwing half of his nails away.
The Kiwi replied that those nails were defective because the heads were on the wrong end.
To which the Aussie replied, 'You idiot, those are for the other side of the house'.
This bloke was walking down the street eating some fish and chips when he came across a lady walking her dog.
He looked at the dog then at the lady and asked 'mind if I throw your dog a bit?'
She said no problems so the bloke picked up the dog and threw it over the fence.!
The Mob needed a reliable courier so Vinny recommended his deaf-mute cousin.
The new courier worked out fine, especially because the Mob was sure he wouldn't be able to blab to anyone about the merchandise he was carrying.
But one day, the Boss noticed one of his deliveries was several thousand dollars short. So Vinny, who was the only one who knew sign language and could communicate with the deaf-mute, was sent to the courier's home, accompanied by Guido the Enforcer.
They beat down the door and Vinny signed to his cousin to give up the money.
The deaf-mute insisted he knew nothing about it. Guido promptly began to kick him around the room.
Finally, Guido held up the courier by the collar and held a gun to his bloodied face.
Unable to take any more beating, the deaf-mute signed, 'I'll talk! I'll talk!' In a flurry of gestures, he quickly signed to his cousin that there was over 100,000 dollars in cold cash in a shoe box under the bed.
'What he say?' growled the enforcer.
Vinny replied, 'He says you're a pussy and you haven't got the balls to pull the trigger.'
One night in a sleepy town the chemical plant explodes into flames. The alarm goes out and departments from miles around race to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approaches the fire chief,
'All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!'
With this the firemen attack with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still have not gained any ground. With this the company president offers $100,000 to the engine company that brings out the company's secret files. In the distance a lone siren is heard and soon another fire truck comes into sight. The fire chief realises that is that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement the fire engine races through the chemical plant gates and drives right into the middle of the inferno. He can see these old timers hopping off their rig and fighting the fire with an effort that he has never seen before.
Less than an hour later the fire is out and the secret formulas have been saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president is so ecstatic he doubles the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers the chemical company president can't help but ask what they will do with the reward money. The engineer (driver) looks him right in the eye...
'First thing we do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck!'
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
'Captain, captain, what do we do?' asked the first mate.
'First mate,' said the captain, 'go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt.' The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
'Captain, captain, what should we do?'
'First mate, bring me my red shirt!'
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties.
That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
'It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.'
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!
'Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?' The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, 'First mate.... bring me my yellow pants!'
There are three gentlemen who are interviewing to be in the C.I.A. Well, for the final day of their interview, they're all told to bring in their wives. The reason given is that the Agency wants as complete a picture as possible of their prospective candidates.
All three agree, and show up the next day with their spouses. The wives are all placed in separate rooms.
The interviewer then approaches the first candidate, and hands him a 9mm hand-gun. 'Okay, we want you to go into that room and kill your wife. This will prove your loyalty to the Agency.'
The first candidate declines: 'No way, man: I love my wife. No job is worth this.' So he and his wife leave.
The interviewer then approaches the second candidate.
'Same deal, number two: you may prove your loyalty by killing you wife.'
The second candidate says, 'No. I just married this woman, and I'm not about to kill her.' So that couple leaves.
The interviewer goes over to the third candidate and gives him the same choice.
The man takes the gun and goes into the room where his wife is sitting. Suddenly, from behind the door... BANG! BANG! BANG! Many gunshots ring out. Then silence. Then CRASH! BOOM! THUD! BAM! This goes on for a few minutes... then silence. Then the third candidate emerges from the room. 'I'm sorry it took so long. Someone put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle her.'
Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel, and AMD, in case you didn't recognise one of the names) were in a high-powered business meeting.
During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting. Bill says, 'Oh, that's my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call.' Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him. Bill explains, 'Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can take a call anywhere.' The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He also states, 'Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call.' So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air. When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, 'I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?' The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, 'Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper. I'm receiving a fax.'
A Civil Engineer, an Electrical Engineer and a Software Engineer were discussing which of their professions was in fact the worlds oldest profession.
The Electrical Engineer describes how God used lightning to create the basic elements which eventually developed into primitive life forms. These in turn evolved into humanity. The Electrical Engineer feels that Gods use of lightning is the first feat of the first Electrical Engineer.
At this point the Civil Engineer exclaims, 'Long before God made lightning he took the chaos of the universe and made the heavens, the earth and the seas. This massive feat of Civil Engineering at the beginning of time was the first work of the first Civil Engineer.'
The Software Engineer smiled and asked: 'Who do you think created the chaos ?'
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Sweden. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed.
The car careered almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
'I know', said the Departmental Manager, 'Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.'
'No, no', said the Hardware Engineer, 'That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.'
'Well', said the Software Engineer, 'Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.
There was a man and lady in an elevator on the 99th floor, when all of a sudden the cable snapped and the elevator started to plummet at an incredible rate.
They looked at each other, both pale as ghosts. The lady gulped and said as she ripped off her shirt, 'Make me feel like a woman for the last time'.
He ripped off his shirt and said, 'Here, iron this bitch!'
The father of two boys, one an optimist and the other a pessimist, decided that such extreme outlooks on life could be harmful. He had to do something, so he purchased every popular toy available and placed them in the pessimist's room. Then he had a truckload of horse manure dumped in the garage for the optimist.
The next morning, he found his pessimistic son sitting in his room, sobbing. 'Why aren't you playing with your new toys?' asked the father.
I'm so afraid I'll break them.' the child wailed.
Shaking his head, the father went to the garage and saw his optimistic son playing in the pile of manure. 'What are you doing?' the father asked.
'Oh, Daddy!' exclaimed the kid. 'I just know there's a pony in here somewhere!'
A pommy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the pommy replies 'I've always wanted to be lucky'.
The genie grants his wish.
So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in !
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on 'lucky seven'. Round and round the wheel spins, and bang ! Lucky Seven !!!!
Now he's really flying. What better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing.
He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says 'Welcome sir. We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge.'
The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pages 101 to 532) are being well and truly tested.
At one point the pommy pauses and says to the girl 'You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life, I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead.'
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says 'Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my red spot'.
So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts killing himself laughing.
'What's wrong, what's wrong ?' asks the Indian girl.
To which the bloke replies, 'You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car' !!!
A bus stops and two obviously Italian-type men get on.
They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more.'
'You foul-mouthed swine,' retorted the lady indignantly. 'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.'
Two horses were walking across a the paddock one day after a hard days racing.
One horse said to other, 'I don't understand it, we are both racing very poorly'.
'I know', said the other, 'There is absoluely no valid reason why this should happen. We are both thoroughbreds, from the best lines in the business. We have the same trainer who is without a doubt, the finest this country has to offer. During the recent layoff season, we both trained very well and ate only the best food. We are both keen to succeed and extremely fit. In todays race, we had light weights and were in great barrier positions. Both jockeys are leading in the the jockeys' trophy competition'.
At this point a little dog joined them as they strolled along. He interrupted their conversation.
'Sorry to interrupt fellas, but I think I know your problem. You both went out too fast. By the time you reached the turn into the straight, you had nothing left in reserve'.
Having expressed his opinion, the dog took off into the distance.
Both horses looked at each other and one commented. 'Butter me on both sides, a talking Dog!'
A local Post office received a letter addressed to GOD, C/O Heaven, World.
Not knowing what to do with it, they decided to open it and see what it said. The letter read something like :
Dear God, I have been tied up with financial matters, and I would be very grateful if you could send me $100 to help me out a bit.
The staff at the post office felt sorry for this poor individual, so they organised a collection between themselves to help out this person. They collected $90, so they sent it off.
2 weeks letter they received another similar letter, they opened it up and it read :
Dear God, Thank you for your help, the money came in handy. It was actually $10 short of what I asked for, but I expect that the thieving bastards at the Post office would've ripped that off. !
A few days before Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, 'All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop ... and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving!'
The mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All you passengers who are leaving the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us.'
'For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'
There's this chap with a rather nasty speech impediment and he goes rushing into the bookies ring after the fourth race and starts 'I jjjjust bbbbacked a fffive ttttto...'
'Look', says the bookie 'There were no five to ones in the last race so nick off'.
'Bbbut', says the chap 'I bbbbbacked a ffffive...'
By now the bookie was getting pretty annoyed, what with no being able to take bets from people who could speak properly so he gives the guy twenty bucks and tells him to stop annoying him.
The chap accepted the twenty rather reluctantly and as he left the ring his mate comes up to him and asks how he was making out.
'Gggggreat', he sadi. 'Iiii just mmmmet this gggreat bbbookie. I tttried to tttel him ttthat I hhhad jjust bbbbacked a ffffive ttttone tttruck innnnto his Mmmmercedes and he gggives mmme twennnnnty bbbbucks.
This bloke is looking for a bit of work, what with being down on his luck and all, so he goes off to one of the richest guys in town and asks for work.
Thinking he can get the bloke to work pretty cheap he gives the guy 5 litres of gold enamel and asks his to paint the porch for 10 bucks.
The guy takes off round the front and a couple of hours later comes back and says he finished.
Commending him on the speediness of his work the rich guy gives him the 10 bucks.
As the guy turns to go he looks back and says 'By the way, it's not a Porche it's a Mercedes'.
This guy gets pulled over doing 150kph down the freeway one day with a horse float attached behind.
When the copper asks him what he was doing going so fast he replied 'These are the horses for the Melbourne Cup and if I have to get them there in time for the race. If I don't then the Cup will have to be cancelled'.
So the copper goes around to the back of the float, looks in and says 'What are you talking about. There aren't any horses in here'.
To which the guy replies 'I know. They've given me the scratchings again '.
Two blokes were sitting in a restraint looking at the menu when one of them notices they've got sheep's tongue on the menu. 'That's disgusting' says one of them. 'I couldn't eat anything that came out of an animals' mouth'.
'So what are you going to have then ?' says the second bloke.
And the first bloke replies 'I think I'll just have an egg'.
This guy walks into a pub and notices a big mean looking dog sitting on the floor next to a bloke. 'Does your dog bite ?' says the guy.
'Nah', says the bloke.
So the guy puts down his hand to pat the dog and it gets bitten clean off. 'Hey', said the guy, 'I thought your dog didn't bite'.
'It doesn't', says the bloke. 'That's not my dog'.
Two guys escape from prison and during the chase they decide to hide up two different trees. The police come hunting after them with tracker dogs and as the dogs start barking up on of the trees the policeman calls up it 'Who's there ?'
And the guy up the tree says 'Miaow, miaow'.
'Lets try the other tree', the policeman suggests 'There's only a cat up that tree'.
So they go to the second tree and again he calls 'Who's there ?'
To which the second guy calls down 'Oh. Another cat'.
A young Indian once lived on a reservation and on this reservation they had power but no electrician to utilise it. Now this young Indian showed a liking for this kind of work, so off to electrician's school he went. On his return, the most important job to be tackled was the wiring for light in the toilet, something that everybody was looking forward to. He did this, pleasing the whole tribe. To this day he is known as 'The first Indian ever, to wire ahead for a reservation'
There once was a man with a maddening passion for Baked Beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat odorous reaction on him. However, one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would be married, he thought to himself 'She's such a sweet gentle girl, she'll never go for this carry on'. So he made a supreme sacrifice and gave up Baked Beans..., and they were married.
Some months later his car broke down on the way home, and since he lived in the country and would have to walk home, he telephoned his wife and told her he would be late. On the way home he passed a small eating place and the smell of Baked Beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that the walk would neutralise any ill effects before he got home, so he stepped in and ate three large orders of Baked Beans.
All the way home he Phut-Phutied merrily along, so he felt reasonably safe when he got to his front door. His wife was quite excited at his arrival and said 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for your dinner tonight'. She then blindfolded him and led him to the dinner table. He seated himself and just as she was about to remove the blindfold the telephone rang. She made him promise not to undo the blindfold until she returned, and then went to answer the phone.
He seized that chance and shifted his weight to one leg and let fly. It was not only loaded, but ripe. He took his napkin and vigorously fanned the air about him. He just had things back to normal when he felt another explosion coming. With amazing rapidity he shifted his weight onto the other leg and let go again. This one was a true prize winner. He again had to clear the air as well as he could, keeping his ear glued to the conversation in the hall. He went on like this for some four or five minutes until he heard farewells on the phone. He arranged his place, silverware and napkin as well as he could in front of him, folding his arms on the edge of the table and smiling slightly, awaiting the return of his wife. After apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeped, and he truthfully stated that he had not. With a flourish and a smile, she removed the blindfold, and there to his surprise were...seated twelve guests around his dining table.
A regiment of army cadets were having a training exercise. Weapons were handed out to each but the sergeant found he was short one gun at the end of the line.
The cadet said ' Well, what will I use ?'.
The sergeant says. 'Look mate, I'll give you this stick. To shoot someone just say 'BANG'ITY BANG'.
This idea seemed to work. The cadet shot quite a number of enemy during the day. He though it was pretty good. Upon seeing an enemy walking down the road, he jumps out of hiding onto the road and shouts. 'BANG'ITY BANG BANG'.
The enemy continues to walk towards him. 'BANG'ITY BANG'..'BANG'ITY BANG', still the enemy does not die and continues to walk forward, right over the top of the cadet, saying, 'TANK'ITY TANK TANK'
Two old blocks in the pub, real mates they were for years. Each afternoon they had a drink. One afternoon one of the old fellows came in covered in bruises and a busted arm. 'OH My !, What happened to you ?' said his mate.
'Well, as I was leaving yesterday, I slipped over in a dog shit.'
'Slipped in a dog shit ? but how come so many bruises and a busted arm from just slipping over ?'.
'Well...', said the bruised fellow,' as I was lying on the ground in pain, along can this big muscly bastard and he fell ass-over in the dog shit too !.
I felt sorry for him so I said 'I DID THAT' and the bastard beat the fuck out of me !'.
An English Colonel visited wounded Australian troops in a First World War field hospital
Trying to think of something encouraging to say he goes over to one digger and says 'You didn't come in here to die you know'.
The digger replies 'Oh I know that Sir, I came in here yesterday'.
Speaking of always being polite, I was standing at the checkin counter at the airport the other day and guy in front of me was having a really good go at the checking clerk telling him that the airline tickets were too expensive, the aeroplanes were never in time and the pathetic service he received time and time again were really pissing him off and that the checkin clerk was just a bureaucratic little pen pusher. The poor checkin clerk behind the counter was just standing there, taking all of this in, agreeing with the guy, generally remaining cool, calm and collected. So this guy eventually moves on and I step up to the counter and ask the guy 'How can you put up with people like that '. And he replied 'It's simple. One. It's company policy that the customer is always right and Two, he is on his was to LA and his luggage is going to Puerto Rico'
I remember the time I was working for the local university and I was in charge of supervising the exam rooms. Now with 50,000 students at the Uni and maybe 500 to 1,000 people in the exam room at any one time, this proved to be very hectic unless you had thing well under control. So to make things easier for me, I announced to the students in my first examination that I would advise them when there was only 5 minutes to go. In the next 5 minutes after that they had to return their exam papers to me otherwise I would flunk them out. So the exam is going along and I announced that there were only 5 minutes to go. Over the next 5 minutes, people started bringing their completed exam papers to me with the exception of one guy sitting all the way down the back who kept on working. Well, I'll show him I thought. When he bring me his exam paper I'll do just what I said I'll do and flunk him. So 15 minutes after the exam had completed this guy eventually brings his paper up and I look at him and start telling him that I was going to flunk him out for taking more than the allotted time. With that he looked up at me and said in a very haughty voice, 'Do you know who I am ?' to which I replied 'No.' and he said 'Good' and shoved his paper into the middle of the pile and walked out
This guy comes home really late one night after being out at the pub and his wife is waiting for him at the door. 'Boy, this had better be really good', she said 'Cos I'm, not letting you in that door until you tell me where you've been and why you are so late'.
So the guy starts 'I was having a few quite drinks after work with some of my buddies down at this new place and it was just amazing. They had gold glasses. They had gold railing and banisters. They even had gold toilets'.
The wife not believing a word of this rings up the pub and says 'My husband is here, pissed as a mute, telling me that you have gold glasses'.
And the guy replies 'Nah, they've just got a gold rim on them'.
'Then gold banisters and railings'.
'Nah. They're all brass and copper'.
'What about the gold toilet'.
To which she hears the guy at the other end call out 'Hey Charlie. I've just found out who pissed in your tuba'.
There's a farmer in South America who has a watermelon farm. A guy comes up to him one day and they get chatting and he says to the farmer, 'How do you stop the locals from stealing the watermelons?'.
The farmer says 'it's difficult but I think I've figured out how to stop them'. The farmer then shows him a sign that reads 'ONE POISONED WATERMELON IN THIS FIELD'. They chat for a while and they go their separate ways.
A couple of days later they meet again and the guy says 'Did your idea work?'.
The farmer replies 'Well it did for a couple of days'. He then shows the guy his sign that now reads 'TWO POISONED WATERMELONS IN THIS FIELD'.
A fat ugly old woman wanders into a restaurant and starts telling the waiter that she's a vegetarian and that no-body should be eating meat, and what do you think the sheep and kangaroos think about people eating them and then asks the waiter 'Do you serve cows ?' to which the waiter replies 'If you've got the money we'll serve anyone'
This guy gets pulled over by the cops one night, and thinking he might have had a little bit to drink, the copper asks him to blow into the breathalyser.
'Can't do', says the guy.
'Why not ?' says the copper.
'Cos I'm' an asthmatic, and if I breath into the bag, I'll collapse and die'.
'OK', says the copper 'Then we'll take a trip down to the station and we'll take a blood sample'.
'Can't do', says the guy.
'Why not ?' says the copper.
'Cos I'm a haemophiliac, and if you take some blood, I wont clot properly and then I'll bleed to death'.
The copper thinking he's got a real smart arse here says 'OK, then get out of the car and walk the white line down the middle of the road'.
'Can't do', says the guy.
'Why not ?' roars the copper.
'Cos I'm pissed as a mute'.
This guy is sitting the police station after having been picked up for being drunk and disorderly. The guys looks around and says to the policeman on duty 'What are all those pictures on the wall for ?'
And the policeman replies, 'They're pictures of wanted criminals'.
So the drunk says 'Well why didn't you keep them here when you took their photo ?'.
One of the workers on a sheep station goes out to check the fences, he's out there for a few days and calls the owner on the two way radio.
'Boss I have a pig stuck in the ROO bar of the truck and it's trashing about and I can't get it out'
The boss replies: 'Get the 303 from the truck and shoot it in the back of the head and pull it out'
20 minutes goes by and the boss receives another call on the two way.
'Boss I got the pig out but his bike is stuck under the axle'
There were these 2 re-fuelers at Heathrow. One day while they were re-fuelling a Concord when Paul accidentally spilt some of the fuel on his arm. Without thinking about it, he licked it and said to his friend Mick, 'This stuff taste pretty good'. With these words Paul and Mick hid a couple of cans full of the high octane Concord fuel and drank it all down when their shift's over.
The next day, Paul woke up with a massive hang-over. When he looked at the mirror he saw that his nose has grew considerably longer and shaped like a Concord nose and his arms were like wings. At this point the phone rang and it was Mick.
Paul asked Mick 'Did you wake up with your nose and arms shaped like a Concord plane?
Mick replied 'Yeah! But what ever you do DON'T FART !'
'Why?' asked Paul.
'Because I am calling from Japan'.
There where two guys in this pub one night and they where talking about their dogs that they own. The first bloke said 'My dog is so smart that when I want a beer I just call out 'red one cold' then my dog runs to the fridge and brings me a beer'.
The second bloke starts laughing and he said 'That's nothing, my dog is so smart that when I call out 'egg two' that he would make me a two minute egg'.
The first bloke didn't believe him so the second bloke called his dog in and said 'Blue: Egg Two' .
Well the dog ran out the door jumped on a bus, got off near his house, ran into the kitchen and open the fridge and got an egg, got a pot and put water in it, then lit the stove, put the pot of water on the stove and then put the egg in the pot, timed the egg two minutes., then emptied the water out and got the egg, put the egg in it's mouth and ran to the bus stop, caught the next bus back to town, then went into the pub with the egg and placed it at the feet on his own, then stood on his head.
The first bloke was astonished 'Wow that dog is unbelievable, but tell me why is the dog standing on his head?'
The second bloke said 'The dog is so smart that it knows that I don't have an egg holder!'.
Two cowboys rode into town and dismounted. One of them walked around behind his horse, lifted his tail and kissed its butt.
The other cowboy asked, 'What did you do that for?'
The first cowboy replied, 'I got chapped lips.'
'Does that help?'
'No, but it sure keeps me from licking my lips again!'
Jones was having his first date with Miss Smith and was utterly captivated by her. She was beautiful, and intelligent as well, and as diner proceeded, he was further impressed by her faultless taste.
As he hesitated over the after-dinner drink, she intervened to say, 'Oh, let's have sherry rather then brandy by all means. When I sip sherry, it seems to me that I am transported from the everyday scenes by which I may, at that moment, be surrounded. The flavour, the aroma, brings to mind irresistibly -- for what reason I know not -- a kind of faerie bit of nature hilly field bathed in soft sunshine, a clump of trees in the middle distance, a small brook curving across the scene, nearly at my feet. This, together with the fancied drowsy sound of insects and distant lowing of cattle, brings to my mind a kind of warmth, peace, and serenity, a sort of dovetailing of the world into a beautiful entirety.
Brandy, on the other hand, makes me fart.'
Smith met Jones in the clubhouse one day and said, 'I understand you experienced a great tragedy last week.'
Jones sipped his drink and nodded, his eyes growing dark with the memory. 'I was playing a twosome with Brown,' he said, 'and the poor fellow dropped dead at the ninth hole.'
Smith said, 'I understand you carried him back to the clubhouse. That must have been difficult, considering he weighed two hundred pounds.'
Jones said, 'Oh, it wasn't the carrying that was hard. It was the putting him down at every stroke, and then picking him up again.'
A naked turtle walks into a police station and says 'Six snails just stole my shell'.
The policeman asks 'Can you give a description of the snails'.
And the turtle says 'No, it all happened so fast'.
So, I jump into a taxi the other day and we go speeding down the road. Coming up to a red light the tax driver drives straight through it.
'Don't worry' he says to me 'My brother, the taxi driver, goes through red lights all the time'.
Driving on further we approach another red light and bang straight through it again.
'Settle down', says the cab driver seeing me getting nervous 'My brother does it all the time'.
Anyway, driving on we approach a green light and the taxi driver slams on the anchors nearly catapulting me through the windshield.
'What the hell are you stopping for ?' I say.
To which the taxi driver replies' Just in case my brother is coming the other way'.
With Glasnost running high in Russia, but not really that much changing, this guy goes down to his local car yard and decides to buy a car. When he gets down there, there is nothing but beat up junk heaps. He looks around pleased as punch as decides to buy the red one.
He says to the salesman 'When can I have it delivered?'
The salesman says 'We don't sell these cars, these are just for show but we can order one for you.'
'OK,' says the guy 'when will it be available ?'
'Let's see,' says the salesman 'how about Wednesday, 15th July 1998 ?'
'In the morning or afternoon ?' says the guy.
'What !!' says the salesman 'Why do you want to know about that now !'
'Well,' says the guy 'you see I've got the plumber coming in the afternoon.'
At the time of creation the Lord was handing out lifespans to the various creatures he had created.
He approached man first and gave him 40 years. But man was unhappy and said he wanted a longer life. The Lord said that if any of the other creatures didn't want some or all of their lifespans then man could have what was left.
The Lord next approached the Lion and gave it 30 years.
'Oh!' said the Lion, ' I only need 20 years.' So the Lord gave man the remaining 10 years.
The Lord then approached the Monkey and gave it 30 years.
'Oh!' said the Monkey, 'I only need 20 years.' So the Lord gave man the remaining 10 years.
Finally the Lord approached the Donkey and gave it 30 years also.
'Oh!' said the Donkey, 'I only need 20 years.' So the Lord gave man the remaining 10 years.
So, my friends, this explains why man spends 40 years of being 'himself', 10 years of 'monkey' business, 10 years of 'lion' around and 10 years of making a complete 'ass' of himself.
It was confession time and the beautiful young thing walked into the confessional with a cheeky smile on her face and begged forgiveness for her misdeeds.
'What is it you have done, my child?' asked the kindly Father.
'Well, Father, I have sinned many times with many men and I want the Lord to forgive me.'
'My child!' said the Father, 'How long has this been going on for?'
'Oh, Father, for a long time now. And I make it last so long, so completely and so satisfyingly!' she replied, smiling ever so sweetly.
'Well, my dear' said the Father, ' You are to take the juice of 20 sour lemons and drink it, without sugar or sweeteners of any kind.'
'And, will that absolve me of all guilt or blame for my misdeeds?' she asked, smiling ever so more sweetly.
'No,' said the Father, 'But it will certainly wipe that smile off your face!'
This guy turns up for work one morning 3 hours late.
He is just settling down into his desk with his morning coffee when the boss comes over and says 'Why the hell are you so late to work ?'
And the guy replies 'I had a flat tyre'.
And the boss says 'So !!!'
To which the guy says 'Well, I was in my wheelchair at the time'.
The General visits the field hospital. In the first tent ward are three men lying on bed. He approaches the first man.
'What's your name soldier?'
'And what's wrong with you, Jones'
'Piles, Sir. Terrible case of haemorrhoids. My grapes are hanging out of my arse all oozing and infected'.
'And what's your treatment?'
'Wire brush and Dettol, SIR!'
'And what's your ambition, Jones?'
'I want to get back to the front line, Sir'
'I see, keep up the good work'
The general approaches the next invalid.
'Your name soldier?'
'And why are you in here Smith'
'Got the pox, Sir. Also got herpes, lice, and almost every STD known to man. My John Thomas is covered with festering scabs'
'Hmm...and what treatment are you having?'
'Wire brush and Dettol, SIR!'
'And what's your ambition, Smith?'
'To serve my country as best I can, Sir'
The general finally reaches the third soldier.
'Your name soldier?'
'Why have they got you in here, Thompson?'
'Toothache, Sir. '
'Toothache? How are you treating that?'
'Wire brush and Dettol, SIR!'
'And what's YOUR ambition then Thompson?'
'To get to the wire brush and Dettol before those other bastards' SIR!!!!'
There were these two guys talking and one guy explains his embarrassing moment to the other.
'I went into the travel agency the other day and made a complete fool of myself. My travel agent asked me what I needed and instead of taking my eyes off her tits and answering like a gentleman, I asked for two pickets to Titsburg.'
The other guy says. 'That's perfectly normal. it's called a Freudian slip. Happens all the time. In fact, just the other day, I was having breakfast with my wife and instead of asking for the sugar I said, 'You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life!'
Bob and the kids go fishing one weekend leaving the wife at home.
Sunday comes around and the wife is feeling pretty down. It's her birthday you see, and she thinks that Bob has forgotten. She hears a ring on the doorbell and rushes down to see who (or what) it is.
Getting to the door, she opens it and standing there is a telegram man.
'Wonderful' says the wife, 'he's sent me a singing telegram'.
'Sorry madam', says the telegram man, 'I am not a singing telegram'.
'Oh go on', she says, 'Today's my birthday and I would love it if you sang the telegram to me'.
'Sorry madam', says the telegram man, 'I just don't do that singing bit'.
'Oh please', she says 'I'll give you 50 dollars if you sing it to me'.
'Oh what the hell', the telegram man says to himself. Clearing his throat he starts 'Da dum, da dum, dum dum. Bob and the kids are dead'.
There is this young punk out for a walk with his girlfriend when walking past a shop window the girlfriend says 'Ooooh, Sydney, I would like that fur coat that's in this window'.
So, Sydney gets a brick out of his pocket, chucks it through the window and gives her the coat.
Walking on a bit further the girlfriend notices a nice pair of shoes in a shop window so she says to the punk 'Ooooh, Sydney, I would like that pair of shoes to go with my new fur coat'.
So, Sydney gets another brick out of his pocket, throws it through the glass and gives the shoes to his girlfriend.
A bit further on and the girlfriend notices a diamond ring in another shop window so looking at the punk she says 'Ooooh, Sydney, I would like that diamond ring to go with my new shoes and coat'.
And Sydney, looking back at her says 'What do you think I am, made of bricks ?'
There is this city guy and he's driving through the country one day when he sees following him a chicken with three legs. After a while the chicken takes off past the car doing nearly 100 kilometres an hour. Following the chicken the guy turns down a dusty side road just in time to see the chicken dash into a chook house.
Getting out of the car, he turns to the farmer standing near by and says 'Did you see that ? That three legged chicken just overtook me doing 100 kilometres an hour'.
'Ayup', says the farmer 'Cos everyone likes the drumstick so much I though I would breed a chicken with three legs so more people could get one'.
'That's' terrific', says the city guy, seeing dollars signs in his head. 'What do they taste like'.
'Dunno', says the farmer 'I haven't been able to catch one yet'.
It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.
A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table.
The diner was impressed.
'Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?'
The waiter replied 'Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out: he determined that 47.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.'
The diner ate his meal.
As he was paying the waiter, he commented 'Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?'
The waiter replied 'Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.'
'Wait a minute', said the diner, 'how do you get your penis back in your pants?'
'Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.'
'I want to open a fucking bank account' snarled a man at a pretty young teller.
'I beg your pardon, sir?' said the startled teller.
'I said I want to open a fucking bank account, are you fucking deaf?'
'I'm sorry, Sir, but we do not tolerate language like that in this bank.' said the teller, who then went off to get the manager.
'What seems to be the problem here?' asked the manager facing the rude man.
'There's no fucking problem,' growled the man, 'I've come in here 'cos I won ten million bucks on Tattslotto and I want to open a fucking account.'
'I see, sir,' answered the manager, 'And this cunting moll is giving you a hard time?'
This bloke gets up one morning real early to go ice-fishing. He gathered up his tackle, hammer and chisel and headed to a new lake he'd heard about. Arriving at dawn he gently walked out on the ice set up his stool and got his tackle out. Then he picked up his hammer and chisel and began chopping a hole in the ice to fish through.
Suddenly a booming voice from above said, 'Don't cut a hole in the ice. There are no fish below the ice.'
This bloke shook his head and looked around but didn't see anything. Figured it was his mind playing tricks on him. So he continued to hack away at the ice.
Moments later the voice boomed again, You're wasting your time. There are no fish below?
This time he was sure he heard the voice.
Touched with a feeling of the supernatural he stood up with his arms outstretched to heaven. 'Lord, is that you talking to me??'
After a brief pause the voice replied, ' NO, this is the owner of the skating ring'.
A blind man walks into a store with a seeing eye dog. He takes the dog by the tail, and starts to spin it in circle
One of the store clerks comes up to him and says, 'May I help you with something?'
And the bind person says, 'No thanks, I'm just looking around.'
A blind man is standing on the corner waiting for the street light to change so he can cross the street. He is holding his familiar red and white cane and in the other arm is a bag of groceries that he has just purchased.
As he is waiting, a stray dog comes up to him, lifts its leg and pisses all down the blind man's leg, into his pants cuff, and all over his sock and into his shoe. By way of response, the blind man merely removes a cookie from within his bag of groceries, bends over slightly with the cookie in his outstretched hand and says, 'Good doggie...good doggie, get the cookie, good doggie, attaboy.'
A woman who was standing nearby, and who witnessed the entire incident says to the blind man, 'I can't believe you're going to reward that dog after what he just did.'
'No, ' replied the blind man, 'I'm just trying to find the dog's head, so I can kick him in the arse'.
Two blokes bought a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a try.
After a long while, one bloke said to the other, 'Well, we'll throw him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son of a bitch'.
There is this guy who gets a job selling toothbrushes. He set up his booth on a street corner, and the first week he sold 10 toothbrushes.
The boss told him, 'Look. 10 is pretty good, but if you want to keep your job, you have to do better than that.'
He said he would try, and left. The next week, the boss asked him how many he had sold, and he replied, '100.'
'100?' exclaimed the boss. 'How did you do that?'
'Well, it was simple, ' he replied. 'I just set up a booth with some nacho chips and a big bowl of dip and a sign that said 'free chips and dip'. People would walk up, get a chip and dip, and eat it.
They would say 'This dip tastes like shit' and I would say 'It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?'
This Texan goes to Hawaii for vacation. The first place they go is a beach.
The Texan says, 'Well ya know, this is really a pretty beach, but it aint no big deal. Hell, we got beaches just as pretty on South Padre Island.'
The next place they go is Honolulu.
The Texan says, 'Well, yea this is allright. But we got more buildings, and taller buildings than this in both Houston and Dallas. This aint no big deal.'
Well this goes on all day. Everywhere they go, there is something in Texas just as good.
The tour guide is getting tired of this. Finally he takes the group up to the top of a live volcano.
As they are standing around this, the tour guide looked at the Texan and asked, 'Well you son of a bitch, you got anything like this in Texas?'
The Texan thought about it for a minute and replied, 'Well no. But I'll tell you what. We got a fire department in Waco that will put that son of a bitch out in about fifteen minutes.'
There is a boy and on his birthday he receives a cowboy outfit and is taken down to the ice-cream shop for a special treat.
He wanders into the ice-cream shop waves his gun around and says to the waitress 'I want a banana split, bang, bang'.
The waitress looks down at him and in a sarcastic voice says 'Do you want banana sauce on that?'.
The little boy looks back up at her and says 'Yep, lots of it, bang bang'.
The waitress looks back down at him and says in an even more sarcastic voice 'Do you want cream ?'.
The little boy looks back at her and says 'Yep, lots of it, bang, bang'.
The waitress, getting pissed off with him now, looks back at him and says 'Do you want crushed nuts ?'.
The little boy looks back at her and says 'Do you want your tits blown off, bang bang'.
The hunchback is running through the streets of Notre Dame muttering to himself 'Must ring the bells, must ring the bells.'
He goes tearing round the corner of the steeple muttering 'Must ring the bells, must ring the bells'.
He goes running up the stairs to the belfry muttering 'Must ring the bells, must ring the bells'.
He gets to the belfry and falls head over heels and smashes face first into the bell and then falls 100 feet into the village square where he lies moaning and groaning.
Lots of people gather round to see what the commotion is and one bloke says 'Does anyone know who he is' to which another bloke says 'Can't remember the name but the face rings a bell'.
Two guys are walking through the bush when suddenly one is bitten on the end of his dick by a black snake.
Collapsing to the ground he screams to his mate to run for help.
His mate starts running and 2 hours later he comes across a little shack with an old bloke sitting out the front. He rushes up to him and says 'Hey, my mate has just been bitten by a snake, what do I do?'
The old bloke looks over at him and says 'You must first cut into the bite with a knife and then suck the poison out, but you must do this within 4 hours and 15 minutes after he was bitten or he will die.'
The guy starts running back to his mate and 2 hours later he finds his mate in the bush holding on to his dick.
He calls out to him and says 'So did you get some help?'
'I've got some good news and some bad news' says his mate. 'The good news is that I found some help. The bad news is that you are going to die in 15 minutes'.
There is the guy and he is walking through the street markets somewhere in the Middle East. He walks up to one of the Arabs sitting in the street with his camel and says 'Hey. Have you got the time'.
The Arab leans over to his camel and with his left hand moves the testicles of his camel slightly to the left. He then says 'It's 2.15. That will be five dollars'.
'Wow' says the guy and rushes off to find his mate. 'Check this out' he says as they both rush back to the Arab and his camel.
'Can you tell me this time' he says to the Arab.
The Arab, using his right hand, moves the testicles of his camel slightly to the right and says '2.45. That will be 5 dollars'.
'That's amazing' says the guys' friend. 'We have to get the whole tour to check this out'.
The whole tour comes over to the Arab and the guy says 'Can you tell us the time.'
The Arab leans over to the camel and using both hands moves the camels' testicles up just a little bit. '3.25. That will be 5 dollars each'.
Everyone pays up and the guy says 'How do you do that'.
The Arab looks up at him and says 'For 100 dollars I will tell you'. The guy hand over his 100 dollars and the Arab says in a low voice so as not to be overheard 'Sit down here. Using your left hand move the camels' testicles a little to the left'.
The guy does this and underneath the camels belly he sees the town clock that reads 3.30.
The Marshall comes bursting through the saloon doors and says to the barman, 'Quick, have you seen the paper cowboy?'
The barman says 'No. Who the hell is the paper cowboy?'
The Marshall says 'Well, he wears a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper trousers and paper boots.'
'Well what's he wanted for?' asks the barman.
'Rustlin' ' says the Marshall.
There is this bloke, a bit pissed looking for somewhere to spend the night. He fronts up to this pub called George and the Dragon and starts banging away on the door trying to wake someone up. After about 5 minutes a woman pokes her head out at him, yells abuse at him for waking her up in the middle of the night and shuts the window. The guy is really desperate for someone to sleep so he starts banging on the door again. The same woman pokes her head out, recognises that he is the same bloke and says 'Well, what do you want now'. To which the guy replies 'I was wondering if this time I could speak to George'.
A guy was wandering past the docks one day when he saw a sign that said 'Mediterranean Cruises $10.00'.
He thinks 'What a sensational price' and signs up there and then.
As soon as he has paid his money he is knocked unconscious.
He wakes up a bit later and there is, in a small row boat with a mast, no oars, no sails in the middle of the Mediterranean with two other blokes.
He sits there stunned and says 'What is going on here? Surely this can't be the cruise. Surely this is a mistake. Surely they will send a boat out to pick us up'.
And from the back of the boat comes a small voice 'Well they didn't last year'.
There was bear and a rabbit and they were both having a shit in the woods.
The bear looks over at the rabbit and says 'Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?'
The rabbit looks back at the bear and says 'No'.
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his bum with it.
There's a magician on the Titanic and the mascot of the ship, a parrot, sits not far away from the stage.
Every night as the magician is doing his tricks the parrot calls out to the audience 'It's in his sleeve' or 'It's in his pocket.
The magician is getting pretty tired of the parrot revealing his secrets when all of a sudden the ship hits an iceberg and sinks.
The magician finally pulls himself out of the water and onto a piece of shipwreck and lies there exhausted.
The parrot flies up to him and sits on his shoulder and looks up, down, North and South, finally looks at the magician and says 'I give up, what did you do with the ship?'
(There is a nice one for all of the people who get offended by the smutty ones)
A young American Indian is sitting with his father and asks him 'Father, how do you name your children ?'
The Big Chief Father says 'When your mother she give birth I look out of tepee and first this I see is what we call the little papoose. When your big brother is born I look out of tepee and see running bear, so we call him Running Bear. When your sister is born I look out of tepee and see running brook so we call her Running Brook. But why do you ask this question Two Dogs Fucking ?'
After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin/sister didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Tasmanian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me'.
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand.
Quote of the Day
'You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.'
You are the Prime Minister and you've just learned that there is an asteroid headed for France that will wipe out their entire country. It is scheduled to hit about 2.30 a.m. in just two days time from now. You have enough ships and military personnel nearby to evacuate them safely, but the ships are on stand-by in case of war with Iraq.
Do you set the video to record the asteroid hitting France, or do you stay up to watch it live?
During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing 'that stupid red tunic.'
The French general said, 'Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you.'
The British major replied, 'If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared.'
The French general said, 'That is a very good idea,'
The French : general turned to his orderly and said, 'From now on all French officers will wear brown pants.'
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi 'Can I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager) Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Villager: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar!'
New research showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
Four guys are driving cross-country together, one from Mexico, one from Italy, one from Australia, and the last one is from New Zealand.
A bit down the road the man from Mexico starts to pull mini bottles of tequila from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Italy turns to him and asks, 'What the hell are you doing?'
The Mexican says, 'We have so many of these damned things in Mexico and they're dirt cheap. I'm sick of looking at them!'
A few miles down the road, the man from Italy begins pulling bottles of wine from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Australia asks 'What are you doing that for?'
The Italian replies, 'Mate, we have so much of this damn stuff in Italy I'm sick of looking at them!'
Inspired by the others, the man from Australia opens the car door and pushes out the Kiwi.
Two elderly ladies were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and stared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear.
'Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel pulled it out &: stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know where my hearing aid is.'
When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
A good friend of the family complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'
Replied the widow,' I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
An elderly couple on a cruise were standing on the deck when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. After searching in vain for days, the captain sent the old man back to shore with a promise to notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and was a pearl worth $50,000, please advise'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap'
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94 year old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses. 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful.' She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancée's mother is great and good-looking. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she winked and just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door. There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl.
I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
I kept it to myself that I thought their 'little test' was bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.
I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom.
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the deer meat for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is. So he doesn't tell them.
His little boy, Jimmy, keeps asking him, 'What's for supper dad?'
'You'll see', he replies. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
'Ok', says her dad, 'Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me.'
His daughter screams... 'Don't eat it Jimmy! It's an asshole!'
The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, 'You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.'
President Bush says 'Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do.'
The Iraqi whispers 'My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek.'
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, 'It's because it takes place in the future....'
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,' explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor: she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years when by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'
'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!!!
This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, 'This is crazy, I could go to jail for this,' so he pulled over.
The patrolman came to the car and told the man, 'It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go.'
So the man told the officer, 'Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back.'
The officer looked at the man and said, 'Have a nice day.'
: AR-SA">It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. Genie said, 'Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?' The woman didn't hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.' The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish.' The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for. A good mate.' : AR-SA">The Genie let out a long sigh and said, 'Let me see that fucking' map!'
Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
'Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears,' came the reply.
Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
Well,' she said stammering, 'you have no ears.'
Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
Much to his surprise, the young man answered, 'Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?'
Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.
'How in the world did you know that?', he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, 'Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!'
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York after a hockey game. One sat in the window seat and the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American got on and took the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I think I'll get up and get a beer.'
'No problem,' said the American, 'I'll get it for you.'
While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I think I'll have one too.' Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The American returned to his seat. They all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
'Why does it have to be this way?' he asked. 'How long must this go on - this fighting between our nations -- this hatred -- this animosity -- this spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?'
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. 'I do so by asking them the right questions,' says the Queen. 'Allow me to demonstrate.'
She phones Tony Blair and says, 'Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?'
Tony Blair responds, 'It's me, ma'am.'
'Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,' says the Queen. She hangs up and says, 'Did you get that, Mr. Bush?'
'Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!'
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, 'Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.'
'Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?'
'Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?'
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, 'Can I think about it and get back to you?' Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. 'Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?'
Powell answers immediately, 'It's me, of course, you dumb cracker.'
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims,' I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!'
Bush replies in disgust, 'Wrong, it's Tony Blair.'
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, 'What are you up to there, Nancy?'
'My goldfish died,' replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'
The neighbor was concerned, 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?'
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, 'That's because he's inside your fucking cat.'