A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender 'I'll have a bundy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke.'
The bartender asks 'What's with the big pause?'
The bear responds: 'I dunno... I've just always had them.'
'Well, ya see Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.'
'This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.' 'In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.'
'That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
It's after dinner when John realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back. The bartender offers him a cold beer on the house and he decides he has time for just one. He's nursing it when a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but he looks the other way. She comes right over to him and sits down. One thing leads to another and she ends up inviting him back to her apartment.
Back at her place they 'Go at it' like crazy', and their passions take over. And the next thing John knows is that it's four o'clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the girl awake and asks if she has any baby powder.
'Yeah, in the bathroom cabinet, ' she says still half asleep. He dusts his hands, drives home at ninety miles per hour, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him with a rolling pin in her hand.
'So WHERE have you been?' she screams.
'Well, you see honey, ' John stammers, 'I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and she invited me back to her place...'
'Wait a minute, ' snapped his wife. 'Let me see your hands, ' as she eyed the whiteness of his fingertips.
Turning on him furiously, she says, 'Don't you EVER try lying to me again, you rotten little twit...you've been bowling again!'
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are...
The English man says You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer...
The Scotsman says That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive...
The Irishman says You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wife told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in the Caribbean. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis...
A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet. Turning to the man on his right he asked, 'Did you pour beer on my trousers?'
'Nope,' came the reply.
Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, 'Did you pour beer on my trousers?'
The man also replied, 'Nope.'
'Then it must be an inside job,' he murmured.
The pissed off cowboy walked into the bar and slammed his fist on the bar.
'Ok', he shouted, 'Who's the son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls red'?
At the other end, a huge biker stood up, ripped the end of the bar out of the floor and slammed it back down. 'I did asshole', he said. 'What have you got to say about that'?
'Oh', said the cowboy. ' I just thought I'd let you know... he's ready for his second coat.'
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, 'My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.'
Another guy says, 'What's that?'
The first guy says, 'That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.'
Another one says, 'My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, 'What's that?'
He says, 'That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.'
A lady says, 'That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.'
Larry says, 'A WIFE? What's a WIFE?' She says,
'That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.'
A guy goes into a bar and orders a double. The bartender says, 'Man, you look terrible. What's the problem?' The guy says, 'I just caught my girl friend in bed with my best friend.'
Bartender 'That's awful. What did you do?'
Guy 'I threw her naked ass out onto the front lawn, threw her clothes out after her and told her that we were finished and I never wanted to see her again.'
Bartender 'Good for you - that was pretty tough. What did you do to your best friend?'
Guy 'I shook my finger at him and said, 'BAD DOG!'
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, 'Can I help you, sir?'
'Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!' the man replies.
The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'
'It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!' the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, 'Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans 'OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!'
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odour coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, 'Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?' The drunk replied, 'Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself.' The woman says, 'Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?' The drunk says, 'Cos I'm not finished yet...
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. 'I've got it, follow me.' said the first man. They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. 'We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.' The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds. When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, 'That will be 3 dollars.' The first man stands up and unzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog. 'You faggots!', screams the bartender. 'Get the hell out of here!' They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out. After the sixth bar the second man complains, 'Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!' 'You think you've had it bad..', the first man exclaims. 'I lost the hot dog 4 bars ago!'
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini.
The bartender says 'What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis'.
After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says, 'Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink'.
She replies 'Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!'
'What a coincidence' the man replied. 'I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicoloured chicken.'
At this, the woman asked 'How did you ever accomplish that!?'.
'I had to try a lot of different cocks' he said.
The woman replied 'What a coincidence!!!!'
Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, 'Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?'
The father replies, 'I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!'
Man walks into a bar and says 'I'll have a Bud light' 'That's not your usual, Why the change?' replied the barman 'Well, last night I drank 15 cans of Coors went home and blew chunks' 'I'm not surprised' said the barman, 'Anyone would spew after fifteen cans of lager' 'No, no' said the man 'Chunks is my dog.'
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm.
Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, 'Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink'. The bartender replies, 'She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?'
The drunk says, 'Any girl that can lift her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!'
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, 'I'd like to try the bet.' After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, 'What do you do for a living?'
The man replied, 'I work for the ATO.'
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks 'So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?'
The pirate replies 'We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.'
'Wow!' said the seaman. 'What about your hook'?
'Well', replied the pirate, 'We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.'
'Incredible!' remarked the seaman. 'How did you get the eye patch'?
'A seagull dropping fell into my eye.', replied the pirate.
'You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?' the sailor asked incredulously.
'Well', said the pirate, 'it was my first day with the hook.'
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one asks the bartender for a pint of warm blood. The second vampire asks for a pint of light blood. The third asks for a cup of hot water. As the bartender is serving the drinks he turns to the third vampire says 'I hope you don't think I'm rude, but I have to ask you why you only ordered a cup of water instead of a pint blood like your mates' The third vampire, as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used tampon replies 'I'm making tea'
Billy is in the bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o'clock, another round is offered, and although he knows he shouldn't, he takes another beer, simply because they taste just too well. Anyway, after the final beer, he gets up from his stool and immediately drops on the floor. That was not what he had expected. He knew he had had some, but this...
All right, he tries to get up but again he falls. After some more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home. At the door of his house he assumes it is better not the stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly to his bed and slips in without his wife noticing it.
The next morning his wife speaks to him furiously. 'Have you been drunk again last night?' Billy is surprised and asks her how she knew. 'Well', she says, 'they just called from the bar that you had forgotten your wheelchair again!'
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He says to the barman 'If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen can I have a beer on the house?'
'We'll see,' says the barman.
So the guy pulls out a hamster and tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the table and the hamster begins to play.
'Very impressive,' says the barman, 'but I'll need to see more.'
'Hold on,' says the guy . He then pulls out a frog and it starts to sing Old Man River.
One of the other patrons shouts 'That's sensational. I'll give you $100 right here an now for the frog'.
'Sold,' says the guy. The other patron takes the frog and leaves.
'It's none of my business,' says the barman, 'but you've just given away a fortune.'
'Not really,' says the guy. 'The hamster is also a ventriloquist.'
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, 'Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?'
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, 'No, I won't sleep with you tonight!' Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, 'I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.'
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, 'What do you mean $200?'
There is a Jewish man and Chinese man having a drink at a bar.
The Jewish man turns around and hits the Chinese man, the Chinese man falls to the ground. He gets up and says 'Why did you do that for' ?
The Jewish man says 'That's for bombing Pearl Harbour'.
The Chinese man says 'that wasn't us, that was the Japanese'
The Jewish man replies 'Japanese Chinese, same thing'.
The Chinese man goes Ok.
A little while goes past and the Chinese man turns around and hits the Jewish man, he falls to the ground.
The Jewish man gets up and says 'Why did you do that for' ?
The Chinese man says 'That's for sinking the Titanic'.
The Jewish man says 'an iceberg sunk the Titanic', the Chinese man replies 'Iceberg Steinburg, same thing'.
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of brandy.
Bartender lines 'em all up and the guy slams 'em one by one.
Bartender says 'Hey! What's the big occasion?'
'My first blow job!' the guy replies.
'Well then, ' the bartender says, 'the 13th's on me!'
'Don't bother' the guy says 'If 12 shots won't get this taste out of my mouth, nothing will!'
There's this landlord who runs a very popular pub. Every day and night he's rushed off his feet. Well one night it's not so busy and he thinks 'Great, I can get to bed nice and early if I kick everyone out on time.'
So closing time comes and he gets rid of everyone really quickly, locks all the doors, and has his final check round the pub. All of a sudden there's banging at the door so he goes to the door and unlocks it. Outside there's this tramp.
'Don't s'pose you gotta toofpick mate?' says the tramp.
'Hold on' says the landlord, 'I'll get you one'.
So the landlord goes behind the bar gets a toothpick, returns to the door and hands it to the tramp.
'Many thanks gov' says the tramp, 'you're a real sport' and with that he turns and leaves.
The landlord thinks 'Thank Christ for that', locks the door, and turns out all the lights, and is just about to go upstairs when he hears this banging at the door. He goes to the door, unlocks it and outside there's another tramp.
'Don't s'pose you gotta toofpick mate?' says the tramp.
'Hold on' says the landlord, 'I'll get you one'.
So the landlord goes behind the bar gets a toothpick, returns to the door and hands it to the tramp.
'Many thanks' says the tramp, 'you're a real diamond' and with that he turns and leaves.
The landlord locks the door, turns out the lights, and heads for bed. He gets almost to the top of the stairs when he hears this banging at the door.
'What the hell's going on' he yells, as he goes to the door. He opens the door and there's another tramp standing there.
'Hold on a minute, Ill get you one' says the landlord.
'One what?' says the tramp.
'A toothpick' replies the landlord.
'I don wanna toofpick' says the tramp, 'I wanna straw!'
This confused the landlord so he says 'What on earth do you want a straw for at this time of night?'
'Well' says the tramp, 'Some bloke's chucked up out here an' all the good bits ave gone!'
Old Ted had been at the bar since the pub opened, downing pint after pint. As he watched the band manhandle their speakers onto the small platform that served for a stage, he swore quietly to himself. Bloody musicians: why did the landlord have to put this racket on every week? Couldn't a man drown his sorrows in peace of a Friday.
Though to be fair, he thought, it wasn't every Friday that his wife left him. Just this particular one. Bloody musicians. He was in an even fouler mood by the time the band started.
Five more pints of bitter had earned their name, and he swore at the singer as he staggered past to the toilets.
Half an hour and eight songs later, the band paused. 'Are there any requests?' said the singer.
Half a dozen voices shouted out, including Ted's. 'Play Yesterday, y'bastards', he shouted.
The band conferred, and after a few moments started to play 'Yesterday'.
Again, the band paused, and asked if there were any requests. This time, only Ted said anything. 'Play Yesterday again' he called, a touch indistinctly. Slightly to his surprise, they did. A slightly shorter version, but 'yesterday' nonetheless.
Again, came the call for requests. For a second time, Ted was the only one to speak. For a third time, he asked for 'Yesterday'. 'Now come on, mate', said the singer, 'We've done that for you twice already.'
'Sing bloody Yesterday' growled Ted.
'We just have: twice' said the singer, and turned away.
At this point, Ted snapped. 'And you're bloody well going to sing it again', snarled Ted, as he picked up a bottle from the table, and made a lunge for the platform. He never reached the singer, though. First, he stumbled over a stool, then slipped in a pool of beer near the stage, and fell, knocking his head against the corner of the stage, and cracking his skull.
All of which, of course, only goes to demonstrate the wisdom of the old proverb: You should never fight the band that heeds you.
A guy walked into a bar and bet the bartender $100 that he could bite his eyeball.
The bartender said 'No way, I'll take that bet.'
So the guy proceeded to take out his glass eye, chewed on it, then he returned it to his eye socket.
The bartender said 'Ok, you got me on that one', and gave the man a $100.
The guy told the bartender he was a good sport and bought him a drink.
A week later the same guy came back to the bar and bet the bartender $100 that he could bite his other eyeball.
The bartender said 'No way that you can have 2 glass eyes' so he agreed to the bet.
The man proceeded to take out his false teeth and 'bit' his other eye with them.
The bartender could not believe that he had been fooled again, and he paid the man $100.
The guy laughed and offered the bartender a drink.
A week later the same guy came back to the bar again, and bet the bartender $200 that he could stand at one end of the bar and piss in a shot glass at the opposite side of the bar 30 feet away.
The bartender said 'You are really crazy, there is no possible way you can do that'.
So the man stood up on the bar and pissed all over it and everyone, missing the shot glass by 25 feet.
He said 'Oh well' and gave the bartender $200.
The bartender laughed and offered the man a drink.
While they were drinking the man began to laugh.
The bartender asked what was so funny.
The man said 'See that guy outside? I bet him $1000 that I could piss all over your bar and you would still buy me a drink.'
This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window.
Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully.
He then turns and comes back into the building.
Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded!
When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that.
He replies 'It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraught, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems.' Then he proceeded to jump out the window again.
Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- Made a mess hitting all over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says 'Superman, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk!'
On his way home one night, Paddy dropped in to the pub. The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
'What's it for?' asked Paddy.
'It's for a poor widow with 13 kids,' said the barman.
Paddy shook his head. 'No good to me. I'd never be able to keep them.'
After the Micro surgeons' conference in New York, the leading surgeons were in the bar and, being drunk as skunks began to reminisce over their greatest feats.
The first, an Australian surgeon explained: 'We had a chap caught in a printing press at a factory last year and all that was left of him was his little finger. Our team of surgeons constructed a new hand and built a new arm, engineered a new body and ultimately, when he returned to the work force, he was so efficient, he put 5 men out of work'.
'That's nothing,' Added the American surgeon. 'We had a worker trapped inside a nuclear reactor and all that was left of him was his hair. We constructed a new skull, a new torso and new limbs and returned him to the work force. He is so efficient now he has put 50 men out of work'.
The English surgeon was not to be outdone!
'I was walking down the street when I got the smell of a fart, so I took it back to the hospital in a garbage bag, let it loose on the table and we got to work. First of all we wrapped an asshole around it, built a bum around that, attached a body to one end and legs to the other. Gradually it turned into a man. We called him Nick Leeson and sent him to work in Singapore. He is so efficient now he has put the whole 4000 staff at Barings out of work!'
Man walks into a bar, sits down and pulls a frog from his shirt pocket.
The guy next to him asks where the frog comes from.
'I imported this frog from the Amazon rain forest' says the first guy, 'It's a very rare clit-licking frog'.
His companion is suitably impressed. After several beers the frog owner asks him to keep an eye on this valuable frog while he goes to the toilet. When he returns the frog is missing.
'What the hell happened to it?' he asked.
'Well the barmaid must have overheard our conversation, because she grabbed it and took off upstairs.'
So the frog owner takes off in hot pursuit and tracks down the barmaid in an upstairs bedroom, naked with the frog sitting at the end of the bed.
'What happened?' he asks.
'That frog of yours is absolutely bloody useless' says the barmaid, 'it did nothing for me at all.'
The guy seizes the frog and gives it a real dressing down: 'Right' he says, 'this is absolutely your last chance. I'm only going to show you one more time.'
This bar owner, looking for a way to increase business and make his place a little more classy, decides to hire a classical pianist. He holds a series of auditions, but isn't terribly happy with the quality of pianists, until the last audition of the day.
The man launches into a beautiful piece, reminiscent of Chopin and Liszt. 'That was beautiful' the bar owner says. 'Do you know anything else'. The pianist said 'sure', and proceeded to play another piece that was even more beautiful than the first. 'You're incredible,' the bar owner said. 'But I'm pretty knowledgeable about classical music, and I don't recognise either of those pieces.'
'That's because I wrote them myself,' the pianist said. 'The first one I call 'I've Been Butt-Fucked So Many Times You Could Drive A Semi Through My Asshole'.
The bar owner's eyes widened in shock. 'Wh-what's the title of the second one?'
The pianist said '`My Mama Fed Me So Much Dog Shit I Have To Lift My Leg to Piss'.
The bar owner was leery about hiring someone like this, but since this guy was far and away the best pianist he auditioned he decided to take a chance and hired him. As a precaution, however, the following day he had a carpenter come in and construct a very tall platform on the stage, and put the piano on top of it so the pianist would be far removed from the patrons.
That night, the pianist showed up in raggedy clothes and, as he started to climb up the platform, one of the patrons called out: 'Hey mister, you know your jeans are torn, there's a hole in your underwear and your balls are hanging out?'
The pianist said 'I'm not sure, but if you hum a few bars, I'm sure I'll pick it up.'
This bloke wanders into a karaoke night in a pub one night, joins the queue and when asked what he does he said 'I sing through my arse'.
'Sensational' says the guy taking the details, 'You're on next'.
So the guy jumps up onto the bar, drops his pants and shits all over the place.
The barman looks up at him and says 'What the hell did you do that for ?'
And the guy responds 'I was just clearing my throat'.
A chap walks into a pub in North Queensland with his Pet Croc. The barman takes one look at the croc and orders him out.
'But he's harmless ' protested the owner of the croc. 'Let me demonstrate' and he whipped out his old fellah and pointed it at the croc.
The croc gently lowered its jaws around the old fellah stopping millimetres from biting. Then the chap whacked the croc across the snout with a rolled up newspaper and with that it opened its jaws and backed off.
'Now ! Would anyone else like to try that ?' asked the bloke.
An old lady steps forward and says 'Yes I'll have a go ! But don't whack me across the head with a newspaper'.
A man walked into a bar with an emu and a cat. The man ordered 3 beers and they all sat at the bar to drink.
Te clientele and the barman all gave a few strange looks but no-one was game to ask about the strange trio.
After the first drink, the emu said 'My round - 3 beers please' and they all started to drink.
After the second drink, the man said to the cat, 'Your round mate'.
The cat said 'No way, I'm not buying you bastards beer' so the man bought the next round.
The barman plucked up courage and said to the man, 'You're a strange group. How did you all get together ?'
The man started slowly 'It's a long story, involving an old lamp and a genie. My advice is, if the same situation ever happens to you, don't ask for a long legged bird with a tight pussy'
This guy wanders into a bar in Germany one day and orders a drink. Sitting down he notices two guys, the spitting image of Hitler and Goering. Wandering over to them he says 'Hey, you know that you two look exactly like Hitler and Goering ?'
'Sure', says Goering 'cos we are. We've been hiding out in South America for a few years and now we've decided to make a come back. This time we are going to exterminate 9 million Jews and 10 computer analysts'.
'Why the 10 analysts?', says the guy.
'See', says Goering to Hitler, 'I told you no one cared about the Jews'.
This Chinese guy walks into a bar and sees the bartender is black.
So he says, 'Hey nigger give me a jigger'.
The Black guy says 'Hey this racism stuff it out. How would you like it if I called you a chink'.
'No problem. I wouldn't mind', says the Chinese guy.
'The Black guy says 'OK. Lets change places'.
So the Black guy leaves the bar and the Chinese guy gets in behind it.
The Black guy comes back into the bar and says casually 'Hey chink, gimme a drink'.
To which the Chinese guy replies 'Sorry. We don't serve niggers'.
This guy comes waltzing in to a bar one day, leans over to the bar and says 'What a wonderful smell that cedar bar gives off'.
The barman looks at him and says 'How did you know that was cedar ?'
'Easy', says the guy 'I can tell the smell of any type of wood, even with my eyes closed'.
'Bullshit', says the barman. 'Here, put this on' and gives the bloke a blindfold. He lays down a piece of mountain ash in front of him and says 'OK, what's that ?'
The guy leans over, sniffs, turns the wood over, sniffs again and says 'Easy, mountain ash. Could almost smell it as you were walking in the door'.
'OK', says the barman, goes off and gets a piece of redwood. 'What's that then ?'.
'Ahhhhh', says the guy as he sniffs, turns it over, sniffs again 'A but harder but I just love the smell of redwood'.
'Real smart arse aren't ya', says the barman and calls over the hooker sitting in the corner. 'OK, without touching anything , what's this ?'
The bloke leans over, sniffs, asks for it to be turned over, sniffs again and says 'Well, you nearly got me on this one. But it's still simple. It's the dunny door off a fish trawler'.
This bloke goes wandering into a bar one day and sees this pile of dollar coins sitting in a jar on the bar. He wanders over to the barman and says 'What's with all the dollar coins ?'
And the barman says 'I've got a donkey out the back. You put a dollar coin into the jar and try and make the donkey laugh. If the donkey laughs you get to keep all the coins'.
'Righto', says the guy, plonks in his dollar coin and wanders out the back. A few minutes later he comes back into the bar, the sound of donkey laughter ringing through the bar. He picks up the jar of dollar coins, empties them into his pocket and off he walks.
A few months later and the same guy goes wandering back into the same bar where he sees a new jar of dollar coins sitting on the bar. He walks over to the barman and says 'Hey, can I make your donkey laugh again ?'
And the barman says 'Not this time mate. I remember you, you got all the dollar coins last time. What you have to do this time is make the donkey cry'.
'No problem', says the guy and walks about the back. A few minutes later he saunters back into the bar to the sound of the donkey bawling it's eyes out.
He goes to pick up the dollar coins when the barman comes over and says 'How the hell did you do that ?'
'Easy', says the guy, 'the first time I made him laugh by telling him I had a dick as big as his. This time to make him cry, I showed him'.
Two blokes, well one ex-bloke and one bloke, are sitting in a bar talking about the other ex-blokes' sex change operation.
'I wouldn't want to do that' says the first bloke. 'It must hurt like hell'.
'Nahh', says the ex-bloke. 'The only part that hurts when they turn you into a sheila is when they shrink your brain and stretch your mouth'.
Two young punks walk into a bar and spot the town drunkard at the end.
'Watch me make a fool out of that old drunk,' says the one punk to the other. 'Hey, you drunken bum, have you seen Bob?'
'Bob, who?' replies the drunk.
'Bob up and kiss my ass,' retorts the punk to the delight of his companion.
A little while later same punk says to his buddy, 'Watch me fool that dumb drunk again with the same joke. Hey, have you seen Bob?'
'Bob, who?' replies the drunk.
'Bob up and kiss my ass,' retorts the punk to the amusement of his pal.
The drunk, being tired of the abuse, goes outside to piss on the wall and sees a friend in the gutter. He relates his experience to his friend who then offers this advice, 'Ask those punks if they've seen Eileen and then tell them how about I lean over and you kiss my ass?'
So the drunk goes back inside, bellies up to the bar and orders a beer.
'Hey you punks, have you seen Eileen?' asks the drunk.
'Eileen, Eileen, um, isn't she married to Bob?'
Replies the drunk, 'Bob, who?'
This drunk was sitting on a bar stool when this lady walked in carrying a duck under her arm.
Drunk said, 'Where'd you get that pig?'
Lady said, 'That's no pig, it's a duck.'
Drunk said, 'I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the duck'.
Two condoms walking past a gay bar. One says to the other 'Ya wanna get shit-faced ?'
This man and woman walk into a bar and the man orders beer for himself and a glass of wine for the woman.
'Red or white ?' says the barman.
'Doesn't matter', says the man, 'She's colour blind'.
A guy goes into a bar and orders and omelette to eat while drinking his beer.
The barman goes out to the chef and tells him about the order. The chef looks at him and says 'We can't do that, I've only got one egg left'.
The barman says to him 'Don't worry, mix in some cheese with the egg, he won't know the difference'.
So the chef goes looking for some cheese and the only type he can find is Limburger, so he makes up the omelette using that.
The barman brings it out to the guy and he starts to eat it.
After a mouthful or two he calls over to the barman. The barman comes over and the guy says to him 'Where do you get your eggs?'
The barman says 'We've got a chook house out the back'.
The guy says 'Have a you got a rooster?'
And the barman says 'No'.
The guy says 'You better get one, I think a skunk has been fucking your chickens'.
A guy goes into a bar and says 'I'll have a beer and a whisky chaser'.
The barman bring over the drinks and the guy looks up at him and says 'You haven't got a double have you'.
And the barman goes out the back and returns with his twin brother.
This rough and tough looking guy wanders into a bar and the barman, thinking he might cause trouble shouts out to him 'Hey, you can't come in here without a tie'.
So the guy goes out to his car and rummages around in the boot. The only thing he can find is some jumper leads so he ties these round his neck , walks back into the bar and says to the barman 'Is this OK?'
And the barman says 'Yeah. But don't start anything'.
This guy wanders into a bar and says to the barman 'One of my mates is going to be coming in soon and he's a bit soft in the head and he will try to pay you in bottle tops. When he does this, take 'em and I'll be back in later to settle up with you'.
The guy walks out and a little later on his mate walks in. He wanders up to the bar and says 'I'll have a beer'.
The barman gives him the beer and he pays 5 bottle tops.
A little bit later he orders another beer and again pays with 5 bottle tops.
He is getting a bit pissed by now so he shouts the bar and pays up with 200 bottle tops.
Anyway, he takes off and after a while his mate comes back in and says to the barman 'Did my mate come in ?'
'Sure did' says the barman 'and he paid me 210 bottle tops. It's now time to settle up'.
The guy goes out to his car, gets something out of the boot and comes back in with a hub cab. He dumps it on the bar, looks at the barman and says 'Have you got change from this'.
There is this guy sitting in a bar and he has done nothing all day but drink.
Eventually this all catches up with him and he spews his guts up all over a chihuahua sitting at his feet.
He looks down at the dog and then up at the dogs' owner sitting next to him and says 'I don't remember eating that'.
This guy wanders into a pub and he's got the smallest head you have ever seen.
The barman comes over and said 'You know that is the tiniest head I have ever seen'.
'Yeah', says the guy 'I was trapped on a desert island when a bottle floated up to it. I opened the bottle and out popped a genie and she says to me that she will grant me three wishes'.
'Fine' I say, 'for my first wish, I want to be off this island'.
'No sooner said than done' says the genie and suddenly I was back off the island and back in civilisation.
'OK' I say 'For my second wish I want a woman to have sex with'.
'The woman I can do' says the genie and there was the most stunning woman in the world.
'One problem' says the genie 'If she doesn't want sex then you can't wish for it.'.
'Oh', I say 'Then I suppose a little head is out of the question'.
A guy goes into a bar and says to the barman 'I'll have a pot of beer and a thimble'.
The barman gives the guy what he asks for and he sits down at a table, pours some of the been into the thimble, open his jacket and pulls out a perfect miniature grand piano about 8 inches long. He then open the other side of his jacket and pulls out a tiny little man only about 8 inches high.
The little guy sits down at the piano, takes a sip of the beer from the thimble and starts playing.
The big guy just sits at the table drinking on his beer listening to the music.
The barman sees all of this, wanders over and says 'Hey, what's going on here'.
The big bloke says to the barman 'Well, the other week I was walking down the road when I saw an old lady trying to cross a busy road. Being the kind hearted person I am, I gave her a hand across the road. She thanked me for that and then she says that she was a good fairy and I could wish for whatever I wanted'.
'And that's when you wished for this little guy' says the barman.
'Hell no' says the big bloke 'That was the last thing on my mind, what I asked for was an 8 inch penis'.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink.
While the barman is preparing the drink he say to the grasshopper 'You know we've got a drink named after you'
And the grasshopper says 'What? Kevin.'
A Gorilla goes into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks.
The barman thinking what would a gorilla know about drinks charges him $20.
The gorilla downs the drink and orders another.
The barman charges him the same price again. He thinks for a minute and then says to the gorilla 'You know we don't get many gorillas in here'.
The gorilla looks at the barman and says 'At these prices I don't bloody wonder'.
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman pulls him a beer and places it down on the bar. Just as the guy is about to drink the beer a naked leprechaun appears, sticks his head in the beer, swishes it around, pulls his head out and disappears.
The guy thinks that this is a bit strange but drinks the beer and orders another one. As he is about to take a drink the same naked leprechaun appears, sticks his head into the beer, swishes it around and departs.
The guy is getting a bit upset at this stage so he orders another beer and waits for the little leprechaun to appear.
Just as the leprechaun appears, he grabs him. The guy couldn't help noticing that the leprechaun is naked and he has no old fella. 'Hang about' says the guy 'I notice that you have no old fella so how do you relieve yourself?'
'Like this' says the leprechaun and pokes his head into the beer and swishes it around.
Two men come running into a bar and one of them shouts to the barman 'Quick two double whiskies before the trouble starts'.
The barman gives the two blokes the drinks and they drink them down without hesitating.
The other man says 'Another two double whiskies before the trouble starts'.
The barman gives them another two drinks and they down them with no hesitation.
The barman then looks over at them and says 'OK now who is going to pay' and one of the blokes looks at the other one and says 'Oh, oh, this is where the trouble starts'.
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman 'Give me a triple whisky mate'.
As the barman hands him the triple whisky, the man says 'You know, I really shouldn't be having this with what I've got'.
'Oh yeah?' says the barman, 'What have you got?'
'Twenty cents' says the man.